Love yourself - some words about confidence

When James and I met, we were in a famous London rock bar full of gorgeous ladies, but it was me who drew his gaze because I was smiling lots and throwing my head back with laughter having a bloody ball. 

I used to have a BIG problem having a good time. To put it bluntly, I had a rod up my arse! I used to think people would stare or say something if I did the things I wanted to do. My nan died in 1998 and I had somewhat of an epiphany. I realised life is too short to worry about what other people think about you.
Love yourself - some words about confidence //
I've since realised that not doing something because you worry what people think and feeling crap about it is a LOT worse than just going for it. People are so drawn to confidence, even more so than looks I'd say.

With regards to body image, we ALL have bits of us we don't like. For us larger ladies, we might have more worries than other girls, as we have size to deal with, as well as shape. All we have to do is concentrate on our good bits. Men tend to see the big picture (pardon the pun!), tending to not focus on the things we might. Hate your tum? (I hate mine at times) but have great teeth? Grin like a Cheshire cat! I take great pride in my hair and get a Toni N Guy hairdresser to attend to my locks. Great tits? Work it, as Gok would say! Got gorgeous creamy skin? Look after it. Got beautiful eyes? Show them off. Maximise all your good bits, and don't fret over your perceived 'bad' bits. And remember, just because we might not like something about ourselves, it doesn't mean others think the same. You might hate your dimply knees but someone else might think they're the cutest thing they've ever seen.

If you've totally lost sight of your good bits, ask your good friends what they think your best qualities are. You might be pleasantly surprised! (If you're not, you might need new friends!)

I feel my best when my hair is clean and shiny, I've got my favourite perfume on, my nails and make up are looking great and I have an outfit on which looks good and is comfortable. Then I'm ready to go out and have fun. I might have the fattest arse on anyone wherever I'm going, but I'm the best me I can be at that moment, so I'm happy.

Also take pride in your non-physical attributes. I swear some physically-gifted people never have to cultivate a personality. I know I'm funny, witty and intelligent. Why wouldn't someone want to hang out with me? Why wouldn't a gorgeous guy want to be with me?!

And on those inevitable hormonal days when I feel horrible, I look at pictures of other plus sized ladies and remind myself how beautiful we are!

Go and make friends with that mirror NOW!

What makes you feel your best?

Thanks for reading.

6 months on....


The last few nights as I've laid awake in bed waiting for sleep, I've been thinking how it's almost 6 months since...well, what do you call it? If I say 'since my operation' it sounds quite clinical. If I say 'since the day I nearly died' or ' the day my baby died' it sounds really dramatic. It was an ectopic pregnancy which ruptured, and I nearly bled to death before I even got to theatre.

Excuse my brows, I was growing them back after shaving them off on a menstrual whim

I realised a few nights ago that it still hasn't really sunk in what happened, how close I was to death. When I say the words which describe what happened, they're just words, somehow disassociated with the events. I was thinking to myself 'You had to have a blood transfusion. You were on oxygen for 3 days solid. You lost litres of blood. You NEARLY DIED.'

I suppose I'm still in shock. None of it feels like it happened to me. When I find myself telling people about it, I must sound terribly flippant, almost as if I'm talking about it happening to someone else. I say it so matter-of-factly with no trace of emotion it must be almost as if I'm talking about having a manky toenail removed or some other minor medical procedure.

I don't know why this is. Maybe it's a coping mechanism.
I'd better get over it, because in a matter of weeks my due date will be upon us. James has got a lovely way of seeing things. When I suggested doing something on the day we were due to be parents to take away the misery of the day he said 'It's OK. We can make a new one!' Hahaha. Love that man.

Thanks for reading.

It was just a look


Something happened the other day and I'm not too sure how to take it.

Someone on the periphery of my social circle met James for the first time recently and I noticed an almost imperceptible double take as she looked at him, looked at me then looked at him again.

Yes, my boyfriend is all kinds of hot, although I am obviously biased. He's got gorgeous long, thick hair, dreamy green eyes and an arse you just want to sink your teeth into (indeed, last night I did!)

And he's with me, a fat girl.

That's what that little double take said. To guess a phrase to go with that look, it would've been something like 'How did SHE end up with HIM?'

James has a nice way of seeing things. When the boot is on the other foot and he knows someone finds me attractive, rather than getting jealous he says it makes him feel good as he's 'got' me and they haven't. He might hold me a bit closer to ram the point home to his 'adversary' but that's as far as it would go. To be fair, men are completely obvious if they fancy a girl, whereas when a girl fancies a guy....well, it's a lot more crafty.

A case in point: I have a friendship with a particular girl because initially she decided she was going to 'screw' (her words) James when she saw us out in a pub, and talked to me as her 'way in'. She doesn't know I know this (I found this out much later on) but she never got her wish. 

Overall there may have been more men over time who made it obvious they fancy me, but if anyone fancies James they're generally going to be in stealth mode, and I have my radar on!

I think I'm lucky to be with James, and he thinks he's lucky to be with me, and as long as it stays like that, I think we'll be just fine ;)

I'll be keeping a close eye on Miss Double-take though!

How do you handle it when you can tell someone fancies your partner?
Have you ever felt 'unworthy' of them, or been made to feel that way by a third party?
If so, how do you handle that?

Thanks for reading.