6 months on the coil

Hello lovelies,

I've been on the Mirena coil for almost 6 months now and I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. You can read my post about having the coil fitted here. My periods pre-coil were horrific, and even though I was taking Tranexamic acid (to reduce blood flow) and Mefenamic acid (an anti inflammatory painkiller) I would still get through a couple of boxes of additional painkillers each period, as well as 2-3 packs of max flow night time pads. I could spend up to 3 days of every 5 day period in bed as the pain was so horrific, and the bleeding was intense. I couldn't wait for menopause.

The first 4 months of being on the coil was HORRIBLE, I'm not going to lie. I was bleeding for 10-11 days out of every 21. Yes, really! The blood flow and pain were reduced from the very first period and I never needed to use Tranexamic acid and Mefenamic acid again, but being on my period so long and with such a short time in between was really annoying. I must've had about 8 periods in these 6 months, but they only started getting better from my second to last period. That time I had a 24 day cycle, and I only bled for 5 days. This was also the first month I didn't bleed through my underwear onto the bedding in the night. My last period (last week) was 5 days long and I had a 27 day cycle, so things are getting really good now. My last period was great - the flow was so light that I'm hoping in another 6 months I may not be having periods at all.

Have you got the coil? Are you thinking about having it fitted? I really wish I'd had it done years ago, even with the initial teething problems.

Thanks for reading. Leah xoxo

Having the Mirena coil fitted

Hiya lovelies!

Image source

I finally bit the bullet and had the Mirena coil fitted 2 weeks ago. I've had horrible periods all my life, but they've been really heavy and painful since my second ectopic pregnancy in 2011. I currently take Mefenamic Acid and Tranexamic Acid to make my periods lighter and less painful, but it's still my least favourite 5-7 days of the month. Having the Mirena coil fitted results in 60% of women stopping their periods altogether, and most have lighter and less painful periods. The Mirena coil prevents pregnancy because it releases a hormone called Levonorgestrel which causes cervical mucus to thicken, making it harder for sperm to penetrate the cervix. It also causes the lining of the womb to thin, making it less likely for an egg to implant itself. A thinner lining of the womb means there's less to shed when it comes to your monthly period.

Before I had the coil fitted

About a month before I had the coil fitted I had sexual health checks done as you need to be free of chlamydia before you have a coil fitted. Apparently introducing chlamydia into the womb is a really bad idea as it can cause further problems like PID. All my checks came back clear (phew!) so I was good to go.

On the day

On the day my doctor asked me questions about my last period and did a pregnancy test just to make absolutely sure I wasn't with child before she fitted the coil. She went through all the possible scary outcomes with me (such as perforation of the uterus, ouch!) and along with the pregnancy test, this part probably took up 20 minutes of the 30 minute appointment. The doctor who fitted my coil was professional to a fault and really put me at ease. You can read all about the benefits and risks of the coil here on the NHS website.

Assume the position

I had to lie on my back on the medical bed with my feet flat together and my legs dropped apart. A lubriated speculum was put in for easy access to the area and my cervix was measured, numbing gel was put on it and it was clamped. Then the coil is passed through into the womb, where it'll stay for the next 5 years until I have it replaced.

Does it hurt?

Yes and no. The only bit that really stung for me was when my cervix was clamped. The doctor showed me the clamp afterwards and it had scalloped 'teeth' so it's no wonder that part of the procedure was painful, but it only lasted a few seconds. I didn't feel the fitting of the coil at all. She told me it was in and that I was a star.

Immediately afterwards

There was some bleeding immediately afterwards, which looked worse than it was as it was mixed in with the lube from the speculum. I'd already put a panty liner in my knickers ready for this eventuality.

That night

I had some bad cramping that evening, but taking a couple of paracetamol soon eased it to a bearable level. The pain was nowhere near as bad as period pain and it was light enough that I could use panty liners rather than sanitary pads.

Day 2

Day two was the worst for me because as well as the bleeding and cramping I had trapped wind as well. I was really quite uncomfortable, so if you work, I'd suggest taking the next day off if you can. I found I was windy (flatulent) for a few days after the fitting, but it soon passed.

Day 3

The third day was the last day of cramping for me so I think I got off quite luckily.

Days 4-14

Although the cramping is over, I'm still experiencing blood spotting. It isn't even enough that I need a pad any more, there's just the slightest pinky-red tinge when I wipe after going for a wee.


Altogether my experience of having the coil fitted was great and I wish I'd had it done years ago. I was put off by some real horror stories of the pain of having it fitted but I shouldn't have listened. I may experience some headaches and acne in the first few months as my body gets used to the Mirena, and my periods may even get heavier initially, but within 3 months I should see my periods get lighter or even disappear altogether. I'll be 49 when this coil needs a replacement, and my doctor says they'll put another one in and by the time that finishes at 54 my menopause should be over and done with - the hormone released in the Mirena can also be used as hormone replacement therapy. That's a lovely thought as I'm dreading the menopause!

The coil doesn't protect frm STIs so you still have to use condoms - unless you're getting regular sexual health checks with your regular partner and know you're both 'clean'.

Have you had the Mirena coil fitted? What was your experience like if so? Do you have any questions?

Thanks for reading. Leah xoxo

Some more thoughts about being bipolar

I've had some thoughts about bipolar on my mind for a while. It's different for everyone but I want to talk about MY bipolar.

For me bipolar means a lot of pretending, both to others and myself. Pretending I'm ok, pretending this hasn't changed my whole life, pretending I don't notice the people who've abandoned me as they don't know what to say. Pretending everything is rosy and a whirlwind of fun when there are a lot of moments where I'm lower than a sausage dog's knackers.

It involves a LOT of positive thought and planning for happy times in the future as some moments are so bleak as to be breathtaking. There have to be things to look forward to to get me through the days.

There's a HELL of a lot of restlessness. There is a very slim window of feeling at ease in my own brain and skin now. I'm too happy or too sad, rarely if EVER on an even keel. But it's a physical restlessness too. I fidget a lot. I hate people who dilly dally - if I'm going to be doing something shortly I want to get going NOW. I also have to walk and exercise every day or I'll burst from inactivity.

Sadly this means I'm not always patient now and I hate it. I'm also irritable a lot, which upsets those around me, which upsets me. It's like I have no filter any more. My words come out harshly without meaning to.

My bipolar does still involve some gratuitous spending around my period, but nowhere near as badly as when I was with James.

It also brings a very high sex drive. Awkward when I'm as single as a pringle! (But I AM dating and I have some dating posts planned!)

It makes me a very NOW person. My feelings are so intense that there's little past and future. The now is so intense that it blots out a lot.

My memory is AWFUL! I live second to second and constantly need reminding of the plans I've made. @mookie7x7 is like my PA, she knows what's going on in my life better than I do!

My concentration is also awful. I can't read, I can hardly blog. My thoughts come so fast I can't catch them. I can't read and I can barely watch tv. The best way to describe bipolar to you (my bipolar at least) is like having an electric current running through you, vibrating so loudly that you can't concentrate on anything, can't cope with anything.

But it's not all bad. 😁 There's a lot of old me left in there. My humour. My sense of fun. My old friends are here for me and new ones too. It is a struggle but I'm still me. If you have a bipolar person in your life, be gentle with them. They're battling to feel at one with their brain every day. You may not understand it, but please try to be there for them. People with bipolar have a high risk of suicide and need a lot of support.

From bipolar-lives.com:
Never doubt the risk of bipolar suicide. Many studies indicate a 15% rate of suicide amongst individuals with bipolar disorder. This rate is about 30 times higher than than that of the general population. 

Do you know anyone who has bipolar?

Thanks for reading.
Leah xoxo

My very quick journey to bipolar disorder diagnosis

Hello lovelies,

I've wanted to put fingers to keyboard many times over the last 5 and a bit weeks since James dumped me, but I haven't been able to find the will. But I've been writing on Instagram most days, and here's something I've brought over from there and expanded upon in case it helps others - how I got diagnosed with bipolar disorder so quickly. I began exhibiting symptoms of extreme mania the day after James brought home his shitty Dear John letter.

Pic made with Wordswag/Pixabay free images

I believe what helped me get to such a quick diagnosis with bipolar is a video I took in desperation on my most manic day. I went through hysterical laughter, tears, anger and heartbreak in the space of 2 minutes of video. It must've been terrifying for people to watch (I uploaded it to social media as I was so desperate for people to believe me) and it was certainly terrifying living through it.

When it comes to diagnoses you can try to explain how you feel, you can take notes of your symptoms, you can note down other people's impressions of you, (especially if you're losing your grasp on reality or disassociating) but having a video of yourself in a very manic or very depressed mood is even better. I showed my GP and my psychiatrist the video I'd taken round my cousin's flat on the day I REALLY lost my grasp on reality. I'd been to a walk in centre that day and the doctor seemed to think I was just a neurotic woman going through a break up and was otherwise fine. I felt so let down by that GP and I wanted proof things were really bad. Also I was disassociating so badly by then that I needed to look at myself in photos or video to know I was still real. I wasn't sure I existed any more. My cousin had to patiently explain the day's reality to me as I was so out of it.

That terrible day I'd had a little dance with a 90 year old man in a packed Wetherspoons pub in the middle of the lunchtime rush, and got so loud and sweary over lunch that strangers looked scared of me. I didn't miss James at all and was joking I'd been "drowning in cock" one minute, then 2 minutes later I'd be in racking tears of heartbreak, quickly followed by hysterical laughter I couldn't stop. Loud noises made me want to punch people, my eyeballs were rattling around in my head, I hadn't been sleeping, I was shaking so much I couldn't pass people money, I was sweating uncontrollably and my heart physically hurt. I was in an awful state. The doctor I saw at the walk in centre did give me some Diazepam, which at least helped me to sleep, because I'd only been having 1-2 hours a night. This was less than a week after James ended things.

As soon as I had my kinda fruitless experience at the walk in centre I called my own GP and went in a few days later, showed him the video and all the symptoms I'd written down. He could see I was a mess anyway - I was shaking uncontrollably, sweating heavily and my resting heartbeat was galloping along at twice the speed it should've been. He gave me beta blockers to stop my heart exploding (lol) and sedative antihistamines to help me sleep. Less than 2 weeks after that I had my psych evaluation, which took about 90 minutes and was incredibly in depth. I was asked about my sexual history, childhood, jobs, parents, health and so much more. At the end of it I was diagnosed with Bipolar II.

Doing the video definitely helped my speedy diagnosis. So my advice would be video yourself (no matter how painful it is to do when you're manic or very depressed), list all your symptoms as best you can, and ask your loved ones to describe how you've been acting if you've been disassociating or losing your grasp on reality.

But most of all, trust your intuition. If you KNOW things are out of control for you, don't give up until you get help. I know mental health services vary in different countries. I know they vary in different areas of the UK. Some doctors are effing useless when it comes to mental health. Persist if you can and lean on your loved ones while you're undiagnosed. Believe in yourself and your ability to know what's right and wrong in your own body and mind. You know yourself better than anyone else.


I've been medicated for 2 weeks now and I won't lie, some days are hell. I'm only getting 5 hours sleep a day at most. I wake up at 5am every day without fail. I still disassociate sometimes. I shake, I sweat, my heart races. I've gone down a dress size so quickly my hair thinned. I've been throwing up or heaving almost every day for 5 weeks. Today was the first time I could bear to eat my 5 a day. I'm missing meals and when I do eat I'm eating 1/3 of what I used to. Some days I'm high as a kite and other days I'm as low as a sausage dog's knackers. There's no predicting it. It's HARD and there's no guarantee the anti psychotic tablets I'm on are the right ones for me. It's going to be a process to start feeling better.

In my next post I'll talk about how I had undiagnosed bipolar for many years. Big hugs to my mental health fam and all suffering souls out there.


If you have any questions, feel free to ask.

Thanks for reading.
Leah xoxo

Exercising for mobility and stamina

No, you are at the right place. I know that doesn't sound like a blog I'd write, does it?!

This was me yesterday before I sweated my butt off. Here's the deal - I'm going to be talking about exercise a little bit. Yeah, I know, mentions of sudden exercise regimes coming from fat people have made me roll my eyes round the back of my head in the past too, but bear with me. 😉

Too hot, too cold - Fibromyalgia and temperature regulation

Because I've had Fibromyalgia and ME for nearly 10 years now, I don't tend to talk about it very much on my blog. Because I feel like I vent about a number of things my health woes seem like a step too far. But someone reminded me recently that talking about it helps people understand illnesses that are not very well understood. (Thank you Vicky!) I'm going to try to talk about my health (mental and physical) every couple of weeks ongoing.

People with Fibromyalgia will often have trouble regulating their temperature, which means we tend to veer from too hot to too cold and back again with very little just right.

Anxiety disorder and the importance of a morning routine

Having anxiety disorder means as soon as I wake up I'm overwhelmed with things I need to do. They say an elephant never forgets, but I think it's the same for people with anxiety disorder. I'm scared to forget things so I have a never-ending to-do list in my head the second I wake up. No task slips my mind. I wake up knowing exactly what tasks I didn't do the day before, and before I've barely drawn breath a list of today's pressing tasks comes crashing down on top of me. It's no wonder it's hard to get out of bed on some days. As soon as I wake I'm giving myself a hard time.

Over the last couple of months I've introduced an idiot-proof 2-step routine which gives me the grace to actually wake up before I start beating myself up.

The first and most important thing in my morning routine is coffee.

You could say that's true of life too. 😉

My Fertility Story part 2 - my first ectopic pregnancy

[If you're reading by RSS/email, please note my feed has been shortened to discourage theft of my blog posts. Click through to the blog to read the whole post].

It goes without saying but TW: child loss.

Only after I started writing this did I realise how much a toll bringing it all up would take, but like they say on Mastermind, I've started so I'll finish. I've had it better than some and worse than others, but everything I've been through has made me a stronger person. Here's the story of my first ectopic pregnancy. It happened 14 years ago but I'll recall it as best I can.

But first, what are ectopic pregnancies? From the Ectopic Pregnancy Trust: Ectopic pregnancy is a common, occasionally life-threatening condition that affects 1 in 80 pregnancies. Put very simply, it means “an out-of-place pregnancy”. It occurs when a woman’s ovum (egg), that has been fertilised, implants (gets stuck) outside the womb. The most common place for an ectopic pregnancy is the Fallopian tube but there are many other sites where an ectopic pregnancy can be located. It is, sadly, not possible to move an ectopic pregnancy into the womb to allow it to grow normally.

My Fertility Story - Part 1

I've heard it said before that bloggers shouldn't share too much of their personal lives, but I think that's complete bollocks. Yes, people might come to my page for the outfits, but how you connect with people is through sharing stories of your life. I have a lot of stories in me and I want to tell them - I have a burning desire to do so at the moment. Sometimes I'm obsessed with doing outfit posts, sometimes it's makeup, but at the moment it's opening up my heart.

This series will talk about my reproductive health in general, my two ectopic pregnancies, the reproductive health issues I've had since I had my fallopian tube removed, and also the decision for James to have a vasectomy, thus making us a childless couple. This is quite a lot to tell, so I'm going to break it up into at least a few parts. These posts will obviously deal with child loss, so please don't read these posts if they'll upset you.

How I got over my latest mental health slump in record time

With every year that passes I learn more about myself, and more about dealing with my mental health. When a bad mental health spell hit just before Christmas it knocked me off my feet, but it went away within just a week, which has never happened before.

5 things to tell yourself when depression strikes

On Friday morning I woke up feeling completely awful and it's knocked me for six. I've gone from a reasonably well-adjusted human (albeit one with depression and S.A.D.) to a shaking wreck who is sleeping as much of every day as possible and can't stop crying. Rather than sharing a long post about how awful I feel (which wouldn't help anybody) here are some things I've learned which I'll share for anyone else going through a hard time.

What my periods are like & about my future operation to remove my ovary

Hi loves,

There's something I haven't mentioned about my future operation to remove parts of my reproductive system. (Read this post first). Basically this future operation to remove my ovary comes with a proviso. I have to lose weight first. 

Because the entire medical community has no idea why anaesthesia works (no shit, this is absolutely true) anaesthetising people of size is something doctors really don't like. To be fair to them they haven't said 'You have to lose 5 stones or we won't do the operation'. They haven't given me a figure of weight to lose at all (yet) but I'm keen to make sure this operation goes ahead at all costs. You'll see why when you read what my periods are like.

My momentous week

Hiya lovelies!

Sorry for the radio silence. Although I mentioned in my recent post Explaining my hiatus I've lost my blogging mojo, part of that was because we've had internet problems for over a month and it's been so S L O W that uploading photos was like pulling teeth. It's all fixed now and I have lots to share in the next week or so. This post is a mixed bag - there are a couple of bits of news that although seem miserable on the surface are actually progress, and there's one great bit of news at the end.

Ovary removal

On Monday I went to see a specialist at my local hospital as my periods are so debilitating, not just during the 5 days I'm on, but for half of each month. I have really heavy painful periods, and things like bladder and bowel pain and extreme fatigue (on top of my normal M.E. fatigue) in the 7-10 day build up to it. I max out on painkillers and use a wheat bag and a hot water bottle throughout my period and sometimes I'm still bed bound with pain. I had a scan a few months back and there was a huge amount of fluid in my abdomen and they couldn't say why with any certainty.

To cut a long story short, I need to have my left ovary removed. The fluid may be caused by endometriosis, it may be a burst ovarian cyst, it may be fluid caused by adhesions, and it may be ascites caused by cancer (it's unlikely at this stage, but they've done a blood test to look for cancer markers just in case). Because of my size they prefer to do the operation via open surgery - an incision similar to a caesarean on the pubic line. However, I'm not convinced all of my problems are caused by my ovary alone, so I'll be pressing for a full hysterectomy. I had emergency open surgery in 2011 when my ectopic pregnancy ruptured my fallopian tube so I don't want to have to go through all that pain and a long recovery for a second time to have to do it all again later to remove my womb. It makes sense to me to get rid of everything in one fell swoop. Since the op in 2011 I've had problems with ovarian cysts, some of which were HUGE, and then they shrank. The specialist's fear is that because things are so changeable in that area it *might* be a precursor to something sinister so I want everything gone. I feel like I've been on death row since 2011.

Joint Hypermobility Syndrome diagnosis

Today I went to my GP about my long held suspicions that I have a joint hypermobility disorder. It turns out I was right. It has brought my whole life into context. As a child I constantly sprained my wrists and ankles. I just thought I was clumsy or it was the way I was made. I've joked for years about my 'cooked spaghetti joints'. Into adulthood I was injured so often I had every kind of support bandage, and I persevered through all kinds of injuries whilst working hard physical jobs like cleaning aircraft. In 2007 at the onset of Fibromyalgia and M.E. things got a lot worse, and they've continued to progress. Things have got really bad in the last year. My shoulders crunch when I put my bra on in the morning, and sometimes I can't put my bra on myself as it's too painful. My hips clunk like a car door closing when I roll out of bed in the morning. My elbows crack loudly enough to make other people jump. But the funny noises my body makes aren't as bad as the pain. Because my joints have much more range of movement than they should, my knees bend backwards at random, and it hurts like hell. It happened twice within a 10 day period recently, and the muscles up my thigh and down into my shin/calf seized up in response, which made walking really painful for a couple of weeks. My hips partially disclocate, and this can be from as little effort as my first step out of bed in the morning, or after exercise. It feels like someone is ripping my legs out of the hip joints, and I can't really walk - I have to shuffle along as picking my feet up off the floor is agony. It has been a relief to be diagnosed as I was worried I was falling to bits with age! ;) It's important to have a name to call the beast that ails me. There isn't a whole lot they can do - physio, painkillers, and exercises to strengthen the muscles surrounding my joints. I'll be updating my progress at a later date.

Thirty Plus Awards

I was nominated for a Thirty Plus Award, and the ceremony is tomorrow night. I'm up for an award in the 'Community Star' category. This is not a plus size awards ceremony. This is entirely on merit for bloggers over the age of 30, so I'm unbelievably thrilled to be nominated. I've bought a gorgeous dress and I'm teaming it with a lovely vintage bag. I'll be sure to get lots of photos taken of me! I was going to have my hair and nails done in London on the day but this month has been incredibly spendy for many reasons and I just can't justify it so au naturel me will have to do! Wish me luck.

I hope everyone is well! I've been shocking at reading blogs for the last month. I don't think I've ever been so busy in my life, so once this whirlwind is over I'll be settling down with a cuppa and diving into my faves. Have a great rest of your week.

Leah xoxo

I have dermatillomania......

I've battled it on and off since I was 14.

28 years.

It started when I was doing my mock exams at school and had a really stressful home life and I developed psoriasis on the back of my head. Back then I had an area of psoriasis about the size of two oranges on my scalp. The picking has gotten much worse in the 8 years I've had Fibromyalgia, as chemical sensitivities plus some kind of dermatitis or a recurrence of psoriasis on my scalp means there's always something on my scalp to pick at. Every time I wash my hair, some of my scalp scabs over. I pick at it until my head bleeds, until I have bald patches, until my lymph nodes become inflamed under the onslaught. Even then I can hardly stop. I have to stop for a few days before I can henna my hair or else it'll find its way into broken skin and cause an allergic reaction, but for those few days I cant wait to pick again.

One of my hands is always poised to pick at the front of my scalp and doing this on and off for over 25 years means my shoulder joints are wearing out. Arms just aren't meant to spend so much time in the air, and when I put my bra on in the morning my shoulders crunch. I've been cutting the top of my head out of photos for a while because my hair is so thin there from constant picking. When Im focusing on the pain I can't focus on anything else. I know it's a form of self-harm and I just can't stop.

I don't even know I'm doing it half the time. It's like I'm in a fugue state. I don't even know why I'm writing this, except in case it reaches someone else who's feeling terribly alone. And it DOES make you feel terribly alone. I've only ever told one person about this in my entire life, although no doubt those closest to me will have noticed my behaviour. So far in writing this - in a space of about 5 minutes as I'm taking my shame and anger out on the keyboard - I've stopped to pick my head twice already. When one of my hands isn't picking at my scalp I keen for it. I know it's stress related, and I'm really stressed out at the moment so I'm gouging away like I'm trying to reach the centre of the earth via my scalp.

My hair is really really thin at the front. I need help.  I know I need CBT or medication to treat it. But how do you break a habit 28 years in the making? Fuck.

Dermatillomania

I'm embarrassed and ashamed to admit I have this, but if it touches one person who's going through it alone, then it's worth it.

Leah xoxo

My journey into Fibromyalgia and ME

I don't talk about my chronic illness nearly enough - well, not enough to help other Spoonies out. I'm sure well people may think I bang on about Fibromyalgia and ME allll the time, but considering my health shapes everything, I should/could share a lot more.

A lot of the questions I've had over the years are about my earliest symptoms and how I got diagnosed. I'm going to talk about my initial symptoms, and I'll talk about my road to diagnosis in another post. I'm going to make all the symptoms bold so they're easy to pick out. 

It was 2007, summer leading into autumn, and at first it was little niggling things that built up week by week and gave no clue of what was to come. Recurrent headaches, dizzy spells on looking upward or turning over in bed, a sore throat all the time, motion sensitivity (a short car ride would make me feel very nauseous), being extra sensitive to strong smells, bright lights, loud noises etc. In September 2007 James and I went on holiday - we'd booked to stay in a caravan park 4 miles outside of Torquay so we could walk miles into town and back every day. I was already pretty fit, but was obsessed with being smaller back then, and wanted to do this walking holiday to shift some pounds. A couple of days into the holiday it became apparent that I couldn't walk like I had done before. I felt awful all the time, and cried with fatigue a couple of times as we walked into town as I really felt like I couldn't go on.  I thought I'd be all right after a few days if I took it easy. It got no better during the holiday, and I felt really frightened as I knew this wasn't me at all. I went back to work and things got worse and worse. I was exhausted all the time and would get home from work and crawl under the covers fully clothed and sob as I felt so helpless. I went from someone who worked 9 hour days on my feet, walked 25-30 miles a week, who had a busy social life and who would come home to cook and do housework, to a shadow of my former self. I didn't want to eat, all I wanted to do was sleep, but insomnia was my new pal. I felt absolutely wretched.

Then my brain started to be affected. I was an administrator in charge of large sums of money and I started to lose the ability to add up. I was confused all the time, where previously I'd multitasked like a mofo. A simple task took me 4 times as long as usual. I was under a huge amount of stress already as I'd been doing 2 people's job roles for 9 months, and then in November I was punched by a customer and got negligible support from my bosses. They didn't even bother to check the CCTV for 3 days to see who'd done it. In many ways this was the final straw, and just two months after the assault I'd walked out of my job, never to return. I didn't even recognise myself any more. All my sparkle had gone. I'd never walked out of a job in my life, let alone one with so much responsibility, but in my naivety I thought I just needed a couple of weeks of rest and I'd start job hunting again.

Except even rested I felt no better. By this time I'd developed IBS which went along with the daily headaches, dizzy spells, mental confusion, sensitivity to smells, light and noises, sore throat, and exhaustion.

Less than a year after my symptoms first began, in April it was my birthday and James and I went to Brighton for a day out with my ex colleagues. We had lunch, explored Brighton and in the evening saw Omid Djalili. Sounds great, right? Except it felt like my legs were being ripped off my body and I spent most of the day in tears trailing 100 yards behind everyone else. I couldn't really lift my legs up, but had to drag them along the floor slowly and very painfully. When we retired to our hotel room that night James had to lift my legs into bed for me as every tiny muscle movement made me cry out in pain. I woke up the next morning and had had a night sweat so great I'd saturated the bedding and mattress and was soaking wet. I went to the doctors the next day and to his credit he jumped to it and ordered up a bunch of blood tests and gave me a thorough physical examination. His first thought was Sarcoidosis as there were markers up in my blood which couldn't be explained, and a battery of hospital tests were undertaken. By this time I'd started having other problems like sore eyes, difficulty breathing, a nasty red rash on my shins, a red rash across my nose and cheeks, widespread pain (as well as the someone's-trying-to-rip-my-legs-out-of-my-hip-socket feeling) and more drenching sweats, even on minimal exertion. Depression and anxiety disorder soon followed as my ability to take part in my own life shrank by the day. I grew agorophobic as I was often limping with pain and felt terribly vulnerable outside the house on my own. Every day I felt like I had the symptoms of a cold. My balance was terrible.

By 2009 I was terribly allergic to hair dye (a friend had to rush me round antihistamines for hair dye allergy to halt anaphylaxis after doing an inner elbow sensitivity test as my throat was swelling shut) and my conditions affected everything from what clothes and shoes I could wear, which food and drink I could consume and which environments I could be in. Busy, noisy, bright places were hell. Falls were commonplace, and in 2010 alone I had 6 major injuries - 2 back injuries, an achilles heel injury and more. I also passed out a couple of times through sheer fatigue. The pain - so many different types of pain. Burning pains, stabbing pains, throbbing, long lancing pains, deep aches, cramps. Pain everywhere from head to foot, especially after exertion. A long walk would leave me exhausted for days. Adding stress to exertion would wipe me out for weeks. When we moved in 2008 I did the packing slowly over weeks and did barely any lifting at all on the day, but was wiped out on the sofa for 3 weeks afterwards barely able to feed or look after myself. By about 2009 I'd also developed bladder problems too - urge incontinence related to my menstrual cycle, extreme pain after eating/drinking certain things (possibly interstitial cystitis), dry skin everywhere, constant infections - styes, throat infections, chest infections, UTIs, conjunctivitis. There was no part of my body not affected, no task I might undertake not altered. My life as I knew it was over, and I was still undiagnosed and desperately needing a name to call the beasts that ailed me, but I had to wait 4 long years for that.

There are many more symptoms and I'm sure I've missed out many, as new ones come along all the time.

These are my experiences. Every person's experience with chronic illness is different. The trouble with chronic illnesses like Fibro, ME, types of arthritis, lupus, MS, Sarcoidosis etc etc is that MANY of the symptoms are shared by ALL of these conditions. It's often a long, exhausting, miserable process of elimination to be diagnosed, and that's without institutionalised bigotry as I experienced on my journey to diagnosis for existing in a fat body.

If you have any questions feel free to ask and I'll help however I can, but my advice is no substitute for a consultation with a doctor.

Thanks for reading,
L xoxo

I'll talk about my road to diagnosis in another post. 

What it's like having a transvaginal ultrasound

Tonight I'm having a transvaginal ultrasound (or pelvic ultrasound) to check on my ovarian cysts and my womb. My periods have always been painful, but the last 3-4 months have been off the hook. Or rather, it feels like I'm on one! Ouch.

I've had several transvaginal ultrasounds during check ups on my reproductive health and also in both my ectopic pregnancies.

So, what does the probe they use look like?

Photo source

I call it a light saber! The one they use on me is similar to this but not the same. I always have a female sonogram technician, which is nice. Before I go into the room I have a pee, as this scan is best on an empty bladder. She gets me to strip from the waist down behind a curtain and put a blanket over my tummy, then she comes in when I'm in place. I lean back on the bed - which is reclined slightly so my pelvis is naturally tilted forward - and bend my legs and part them, as if in a stirrups position.

They put a protective sheath over the probe, lube it up really generously and pop it where the sun doesn't shine. Does it hurt? It hurts me a little, yes, because I have quite a lot going on downstairs. My whole vaginal area is sore when I'm on my period (and at other times) so it's uncomfortable when it's going in. The worst pain for me is when it's pressed to the left and right to capture images of the left and right sides. This pain makes me come over all hot, sweaty and nauseous, but it's over quickly and it's necessary to see what's going on. The whole procedure only takes a couple of minutes and the sonographer tells me what's going on at every step. In fact, taking off my clothes and putting them back on probably takes longer than the actual procedure itself. You can have the procedure when you're on your period, and the sonographer is always very reassuring about it being OK to bleed over the bed as it's covered in a paper roll. She gives me tissues to wipe with (there's so much lube used it can feel quite alarming down there) and tells me to leave the tissues on the bed and she scrunches them all up together and puts them in the waste bin. It's all very no-fuss, we're all girls together stuff and not at all embarrassing. Medical staff need to be reassuring when it comes to matters below the belt and the NHS have been brilliant for this. I can ask my sonographer any questions about the size of my cysts (she measures them during the scan) and she asks questions about my periods etc to best determine what's going on.

I have ovarian cysts and thickening of the womb lining, both of which can be causes of concern with regards to cancer. My cysts have changed often in size and appearance leading my specialist to be concerned previously with cancer risk. A time back he wanted to remove the offending ovary, but at the time James and I were still vacillating about whether we wanted kids or not so I said no. How I regret that now! If my cysts have got very large again (which would explain the pain) and the womb lining has thickened more I'm going to ask to be referred back to the specialist and I'll ask for a hysterectomy. If it's safe for them to leave one ovary behind (the one without huge cysts) I would prefer that as I won't go into full menopause, but if it's enough of a risk I will happily accept a full hysterectomy and HRT. I'm sick of the pain and the risk of cancer hanging over my head.

Here's an NHS leaflet which explains more about transvaginal ultrasounds. Any questions?

Why I stopped saying what I have is CFS

Hey loves,

I thought I'd do a little post about why I'm suddenly referring to having ME a lot rather than calling it CFS. A small percentage of people say the two are different things, with ME being a more serious condition than CFS, but I'm not going down that track as I don't have the energy to argue - lololol.

I mention my health in passing here or there, talking about how I'm having trouble sleeping or having energy problems, but I stopped doing dedicated health posts in that period where I lost myself and became concerned with being more of a 'popular' blogger (whatever the hell that is!). I didn't think chronic illness was at all sexy and worried about turning people off. Well if it does they're not worth having around anyway. It's not sexy but it is my life so of course I'll talk about it.

The reason I now refer to myself as having ME is because 'chronic fatigue syndrome' goes nowhere near describing the hell of the illness. It is a useless description for a complex, debilitating complaint. It's not tiredness, it's an overwhelming fatigue which can make you pass out on your feet (which has happened to me a couple of times). It can make you walk and talk with the coordination of a drunk. It barely gets better with rest, and you can be totally fine one minute and be crying through exhaustion a minute later. It's like flicking a switch.

Side story - James and I met in April 2003 and I got symptoms throughout 2007, but by September they were marked enough for me know something was really wrong. By January 2008 I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown and had to leave work, and by April 2008 my symptoms were completely life altering and the pain was physically disabling. My 34th birthday dawned with me unable to lift my feet off the ground to walk, and I dragged my legs about one at a time like a lame dog, inch after tearful inch. James didn't understand. I had so many falls, so many accidents, yet he pushed me so hard all the time to do more and I felt like we were talking different languages. I'd be smothered in bruises from falls and had even put my back out from a ready bad fall and he just wasn't getting it. He couldn't see the truth in front of him, or he didn't want to. He's the kind of person who doesn't listen to what you're telling him - he has to see it happen for himself, and usually several times. (Damn science brained git!)

We had a very difficult transition. When he finally got it we'd had a 9 hour coach trip home from Wales, during which I'd been really ill because of travel sickness. It was only 3 days since the coach trip outbound so I was completely wiped out. When we got to London we got the tube from Golders Green to central London as James couldn't be bothered to wait for the coach to get to central London for some reason unbeknownst to me - man logic. ;) We were going up a flight of stairs with our heavy backpacks on when I fell UP the stairs in the tube station. I ended up bruised really badly on both legs, and I just stood and bawled my eyes out in the middle of the concourse once I managed to walk up the rest of the stairs. I remember pleading with him: "NOW do you see?!" I guess he didn't want to admit the woman he loved was changing before his eyes. Loss isn't just felt by the person with the illness. That was in December 2008, so it had been a long process for him to get it, and those were really lonely days. We can laugh about it now, but it really hurt at the time and I guess it still does, or I wouldn't mention it now.

I didn't get my diagnosis till 2011, so the support of James was really important. There was one person who kept me alive through all those dark days, my friend Lisa. She also has Fibro and ME, and she knew from the start that I did too. If not for her I'm sure I wouldn't be alive to tell you this story. The best thing you can do for a person who's chronically ill - even if they're not diagnosed - is tell them you believe them. You can keep that person alive with your support. The early days of a life-changing illness are terrifying - your life gets turned on its head. A person might lose their job, they might lose their mobility. They might even lose their partner, and they sure as hell might lose their sanity, too.

So, going back to the main part of the post - sometimes the fatigue is delayed and I think I've escaped the aftereffects of a 'big day' (one where I leave the house) but the next day it knocks me for six. A really active day like going to London for a blogger event can set me back weeks. So when you say 'chronic fatigue' and people say 'Oh, everyone gets tired!' I roll my eyes hard and want to tell them that yes, if they've been so tired they passed out and woke up with the imprint of a radiator slammed into their forehead or came round with their head in the bloody road then yes, they know my kinda tired. ;) Otherwise shuddafuggup.

But the fatigue is just a small part. It's constant infections - sties or conjunctivitis, chest infections, throat infections, UTIs. It can be early menopause, sleep disturbances (hello!), muscle pains, cold and flu symptoms, dizziness and nausea, memory loss, headaches, confusion, heavy sweating, palpitations, swollen painful glands, IBS, depression, sensitivity to light, noise, movement and smells, trouble keeping an even temperature and so on.

It affects every aspect of my life along with the Fibromyalgia, so no, CFS doesn't cover it at all. And in the 8 and a bit years I've had Fibro and ME, it's gotten worse year on year to the point where I wonder if I'll end up totally bed-bound or in a wheelchair like some ME patients are. But then I could get hit by a bus and drop down dead tomorrow so it's best not to plan too far ahead anyway. Hahaha. Black humour helps me cope. :) Everybody struggles with something, be it mental or physical health or life challenges, so this isn't the woe-is-me Olympics. Some days are better than others, hell some weeks or months are better than others. There are flare ups and other times are better so I just take it day by day. There are SO many people out there struggling with things that other people have no clue about, so this post is dedicated to everyone out there with invisible illnesses who are trying to live their life and are kinda surviving instead.

Thanks for reading.
Leah xoxo

20 positive affirmations for shitty days

Hello loves,

More people than you know have mental health problems. Perhaps just once in their lives in a time of great turmoil, or as a recurring theme (a bit like Sean Bean dying in everything). Here are some thought to bear in mind when times are tough.

Here are some affirmations to use when life is really kicking you in the baby-makers.

1. I am enough.
2. I deserve good things.
3. Breathe. 
4. This too shall pass.
5. I am stronger than I think.
6. I attract good things and good people.
7. I am down but not out.
8. I am loved.
9. I am loveable.
10. Tomorrow is a new day.
11. It's healthy to honour your sadness so you can move on.
12. It's OK to have PJ days.
13. I will honour every emotion and process them.
14. Better days are ahead.
15. I have all I need to succeed within me. 
16. There is a life lesson in this, even if I can't see it yet. 
17. I am not alone.
18. I am unique in this world.
19. I bring my own gifts to every situation.
20. It will not always be like this. 

What keeps you going when times are hard?

I also saw this yesterday, and it cheered me up a lot. We have much to learn from Scandinavia in the way they deal with the long, dark winters. This has really cheered me up and now I'm on a mission to make my home hyggeligt! It's like a blanket for the soul.

Thanks for reading, and have a great weekend.
Leah xoxo

Tips for migraine sufferers

Hello loves,

I've been a migraine sufferer for most of my adult life, but before Fibromyalgia they were a rare occurrence. Now they're very common, especially since my doctor took my migraine preventer tablets off my repeat prescription form. So much has been going on I haven't had the energy to fight this decision, so I'm focussing on preventing them and treating them early. I think the reason I get a lot of migraines is because Fibromyalgia makes me SO sensitive to light.

[Photo by Pixabay]

Here are some tips I've garnered over the last few years with regards to migraines. I hope it helps!

• The first and most important tip is as soon as you feel a migraine coming on, do not ignore it. Don't try to push through, it'll only make things worse. Once when I felt a migraine coming on I thought 'It'll be fine, let's do some yoga!' and then spent 3 days in bed with a sick bowl propped up under my chin (when I wasn't sleeping 18 hours a day). Learn from a fool like me. :)
• Try to remove yourself from noisy, bright environments straight away. If you are at work try your best to get home or move yourself to a cool dark room for an hour to see if it'll pass. If you're at home turn off the tv, dim the lights, put on sunglasses if it helps and don't use your mobile phone. If you have ear plugs, use them too. Just lay in a cool dark room with your eyes shut and if you're lucky, it'll pass. 
• If it doesn't pass, sleep is the best thing. Go to bed and stay there until you feel better. Take a bottle of water with you and anything else you need.
• Put a cool flannel on your forehead, if you can stand the weight of it (sometimes I can't when my head hurts too much, in which case kitchen roll soaked in cool water helps as it weighs less).
• Keep hydrated. Migraines can be caused by dehydration. Make sure to take in plenty of fluids.
• Keep some coconut water in the fridge. I buy this one in cans from Tesco. It has magnesium in it, and magnesium can help prevent or get rid of migraines.
• If you have a significant other or family member around, get them to run around after you bringing you lots of fluids, cool flannels, a blanket or whatever else you need. You need to move as little as possible. James is fantastic when I have a migraine. He turns the tv off, dims the lights, brings me ice lollies and water, covers me with a blanket, and lets me sleep it off.

As the old saying goes "Prevention is better than cure" so here are some things that help me avoid migraines in the first place. They're all to do with light.

The first thing is using F.lux on my laptop. This dims my screen after sundown so I'm not staring into something as bright as the sun. Most often my migraines are brought on by too much light. Using the settings in F.lux I can turn my laptop screen brightness right down to a level equivalent to a dim incandescent bulb, which is a lot dimmer than the darkest setting my laptop naturally provides. The other advantage to F.lux is that as the light is warm and not the horrible blue light you get from computers and other gadgets, it means you can sleep easier at night after computer use too.

The second thing is using Bluelight Filter on my phone. Having my nose buried in my phone for half the day also can cause me migraines. In the evenings I use Bluelight Filter to turn my screen light right down (way beyond the dimmest setting on my phone) to prevent migraines and also to ensure I can be on my phone in bed without being wide awake for 5 hours afterwards. Bluelight filter is an Android app but there are similar apps available for iPhone users.

The third thing is we have dimmable and colour changing LED lightbulbs in the living room. We have these ones and they're brilliant. We can control them using an app on our phones, and you can make them just about any colour and brightness. We have the 4*e27 LEB bulb +2.4g rf wireless in RGB warm white, 9v. God, what a mouthful. We have them set on a warm orange light which doesn't offend my eyes.

Basically harsh blue light = migraine hell, and warm orange lights = soothing. I found this article which explains why blue light is so bad for us, and it explains more about F.lux and other things too.

Do you have any tips about dealing with migraines?

Thanks for reading.

Video | A mixed bag

Hello loves,

Happy Friday.

I set out to record this video in the vein of my previous 'My week' videos but it turned into a couple of things. Firstly a long and frank chat about my mental health at the moment (which I really needed) and secondly it turned into a show-and-tell of how badly Fibromyalgia affects my concentration. It's funny watching myself back and seeing what everyone else sees. So yes, my attention span is laughably bad, as this video illustrates, and that's with a page of notes to assist me. ;)

I'm OK, please don't worry about me, it's just the strain of the last few months. Now I've realised there's a problem I can deal with it. Talking in the video has helped me process things a lot.

(If you're reading via email click through to my blog to see the video).


So, I'm OK. I have an appointment booked for the doctors about my mental health in a couple of weeks, which was the earliest one I could get. I'm hoping to have a lovely weekend, and I hope you do too.

If you feel anything like I do re: your mental health, please speak to someone. You can always talk to me.

Leah xoxo