7 months on from my break up

Hello lovelies,


It's an actual post written by me! 😁 I meant to write it at the 6 month mark but time got away from me. So, it's been 7 months since I've become a single unit, and this is a check-in to let you know how I'm doing.

When James and I split up I was so shocked I honestly didn't know how progress would take place, and to be honest, what progress there is has been made in my mental health rather than tangible things like getting the best job ever, or taking over the world. 😉 I can say now my bipolar is under good control and doesn't trouble me at all. It was confusing at first realising bipolar and depression are two very separate things needing separate treatment. My depression is still troublesome but I started a new antidepressant a few months ago which is helping a little. My psych has written to my GP asking her to up my dose of antidepressant and hopefully that'll equip me with the tools to make more progress in my life.

I'm still living with my aunt, thanks to her kindness. The plan is for me to get my own place at some point, but I don't think I'm ready for that yet. My mental health is still such that I don't think I can look after myself fully. I don't know when that time will be, but it'll happen when it's right.

James and I talk every couple of weeks and he came to see me the day before my birthday. I can see him now without wanting to punch him in the throat. He's dating, I've been dating, we're both moving on. Obviously the way he ended things will always be a sore point but it's not in me to hold a grudge.

My love life has been up and down. I have a couple of 'friends with benefits' and have been seeing a bloke local to me but I don't think it's going anywhere so there's nothing exciting to share. It's too early. I still have such a long way to go before I can offer anything to someone else. I need to work on me first.

Being disabled and not working is really, REALLY bothering me at the moment. I'm not sure what I expect to do about it, other than beating myself up constantly. I've got Fibromyalgia, ME, joint hypermobility syndrome, depression - and I found out recently after an accident in my 20s my left kneecap is in two halves and I have osteoarthritis in it. That'll be why it hurts like hell every day and seriously limits my mobility. I'm waiting to be referred to the hospital about it and my GP thinks I'm going to need an operation.

Since I stopped blogging regularly I've lost my purpose and sense of identity. When I was with James I was his wife and I was a plus size blogger. Now I'm no one's wife - or I won't be in 5 weeks time when the decree absolute is through - and I don't have my blog as a sense of pride any more. I've lost my confidence and my voice to write. I'm on a low income so I can't really be a fashion blogger any more - there's only so many times I can wear the same dresses.

The overriding thing screaming at me is I need to find OR CREATE my identity from the ground up and I don't know how to do that. I need to find out who I am again, not as an attachment to a man, but in my own right, and that is as scary as fuck. I need to build a life in this new place I'm living in, all my physical disabilities and mental health problems taken into account, and I don't know where to begin. But I know I DO need to begin, and that's half the battle, isn't it?

I hope my next big update at the year mark has some tangible progress to report, but as long as my mental health is on an even keel and I'm still here to write, that will be a bonus.

I hope this finds you well, and thank you for reading.

Leah xxx

16 comments

  1. Take each day as it comes my love and you will soon find who you are meant to be. Xx

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    1. Thank you lovely! I hope your little family is all well. xx

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  2. I don't necessarily think you need to buy clothes to be a fashion blogger. You have more style in your little finger than most people have in their entire body. Taking one dress and showing many different ways to style it with stuff you already have might be something to consider. :)

    Maybe it is time to switch to a personal blog where you talk about the things that are interesting to you at that moment, things you are enjoying, things you read or watch or love.

    I think you will find most of your readers are here for you whichever direction you choose to go in. Me personally, I miss reading *you* and I wouldn't care if you blog about your ingrown toenail or your favourite brand of tea or what you think of Prince Harry wearing suede shoes.

    There really are no limits to what you can write about - except for the ones you place on yourself. :)

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    1. Awww thanks so much Snoskred for the kind words. You're right as usual - I do need to stop putting limitations on myself. I've not yet adjusted to my new living arrangements and need to find a way to take outfit pics and other pics. I need to get my brain in gear while summer is still here.

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  3. It's good to see you still here, you're the first blogger I ever followed :-) It's been a hell of a year and we're all rooting for you :-) xx

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    1. Thanks so much Cathy. I hope you and yours are all OK. xx

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  4. I certainly agree with the lovely Snoskred. We want to read you from you about you. Dresses are awesome but really you have so much style you can show us how you manage with one dress and the awesome ways you can style it. ALso a lot of us want you to just be well and find your back to what you thrive on, whether it be blogging, the new prince, or your new passion for sketching flowers. Whatever. We love you for you. Not your pretty dresses

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    1. Thank you lovely! Snoskred is often right - she has a knack for it! I'm going to plan a weekly blog. Need to get my mojo back! xx

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  5. What is it that you want in life and why is that so important to you?

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    1. I want happiness, and why that is important goes without saying. ;) Thanks for your comment.

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  6. Dear Leah,

    Reading this blog gave me a little bit of a surprise, and now because of it I in turn have a surprise for you: As you wrote your piece, it's clear to me that you felt troubled and without direction; your thoughts about finding or recreating your identity were particularly indicative. But as I read it I myself felt a perception of you that differed utterly.

    Looking at the long list of pains emotional, psychological and physical, that you face on a daily basis and then seeing the way you talk about moving on, growing, even entertaining the idea of starting again from scratch, what I see here is a woman who just doesn't know how STRONG she is. There are plenty of people in a similar situation to yourself and not even a fifth of them would have the nerve first to open their hearts to the faceless mass public about it and second actually consider starting all over in full knowledge of the risks and challenges that come with that.

    In short, I think you've found your identity without even realising it. Yours is the identity of a strong, determined, spirited woman making her way in the world for the moment alone, not quite complete, but hopeful and self-assured. You have so many admirable qualities and you are an example to suffering women everywhere. One thing I will share with you, purely as a piece of friendly advice, is this: You do not need a man to define you. That's not to say that you should stay alone and never meet someone special and fall in love or even have another go at married life; it's just that you are doing brilliantly by yourself and if it's a while before that spark comes back into your life you'll carry on doing brilliantly, and when he does finally turn up and the magic happens, you should assert yourself frequently to make him know how lucky he is to have you to love.

    You're an amazing person. Never forget that, and don't let anyone else forget it either.

    Peace.

    M

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    1. Thank you SO MUCH for your kind and thoughtful comment. I'm completely blown away. Sometimes it's so heartening to hear how other people see us, and thank you for seeing me as a strong woman. I think I'll come back to your comment often when I feel low. Thanks so much again. <3

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  7. You're welcome. I'm pleased to have given the right support.

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  8. I agree with M. You are incredibly strong. I am amazed by you.

    I know a lot of people would have taken years to bounce back to the point you already have, especially receiving a big diagnosis like you did right in the middle of everything else going on.

    I got my Aspergers diagnosis at a fairly good time and it still knocked me for six. And then I had to go back with my qualified adult and re-examine many events in my life to see how being an Aspie played a part in them - that all came with a lot of relief I have to say, because up till that point I thought something was "wrong" with me.

    It is like I was given a key to myself and once I opened the door I was able to see the why of so many things about myself that puzzled me before. I'm really hopeful that this process is similar for you. ;)

    I'm 7 years out from my diagnosis now and a totally different person. It has been the worst of times but also the best of times, and I only wish I had found out earlier in my life.

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    1. Thanks for the kind words Snoskred. I think generally people are WAY harder on themselves than they are other people, at least this is the case with me. I'd expect someone in my position to take a couple of years to bounce back, but I've been so hard on myself already.

      I'm glad being diagnosed as an Aspie made things slot into place for you. It's always good to know WHY we are the way we are.

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