Bipolar and learning to self-soothe

Hello lovelies,

This is actually a post written by me. 😁 I've lost my voice and don't have the urge or confidence to write much these days, but I've been mulling over this post for some time.

Before I had bipolar, I was really good at occupying myself. Housework, personal care, Netflix, reading, tv........there were any number of things I could do to take up time and keep myself busy. Now I have bipolar this has changed and I've reverted to a child-like state where I've lost the ability to self-soothe. 

I'm like a newborn baby who needs everything brought to them. I'm very dependent on my family to keep me 'entertained' for want of a better word. On days where I see my mum and step dad and we go for drives I feel at ease in myself. When I'm stuck indoors I struggle to keep myself busy and entertained, and I want to cry or sleep, just like a baby. When I'm left indoors on my own it's even worse, I just lay around feeling miserable unless I can force myself to go out for a walk.

I know when I'm bored or sad that reading, watching a film, doing some personal care (or anything else at all) will make me feel better but it's like I'm caught in a quicksand of inertia and doing things I know will make me feel better is really damn hard.

I'm writing this after discussing it with my lovely friend Faith and hoping that it can bring a bit of solidarity to anyone else with bipolar who struggles to keep themselves busy or look after themselves. I do believe I'm getting slightly better at self-soothing and Faith's idea of a self care box to reach for when I'm feeling particularly down is a great idea. I could fill it up with books, dvds, self-care items and so on to help me feel better.

If you had a self care box, what would you put in it? If you've got bipolar, do you find it hard to self soothe?

 Thanks for reading. Leah xoxo

Some more thoughts about being bipolar

I've had some thoughts about bipolar on my mind for a while. It's different for everyone but I want to talk about MY bipolar.

For me bipolar means a lot of pretending, both to others and myself. Pretending I'm ok, pretending this hasn't changed my whole life, pretending I don't notice the people who've abandoned me as they don't know what to say. Pretending everything is rosy and a whirlwind of fun when there are a lot of moments where I'm lower than a sausage dog's knackers.

It involves a LOT of positive thought and planning for happy times in the future as some moments are so bleak as to be breathtaking. There have to be things to look forward to to get me through the days.

There's a HELL of a lot of restlessness. There is a very slim window of feeling at ease in my own brain and skin now. I'm too happy or too sad, rarely if EVER on an even keel. But it's a physical restlessness too. I fidget a lot. I hate people who dilly dally - if I'm going to be doing something shortly I want to get going NOW. I also have to walk and exercise every day or I'll burst from inactivity.

Sadly this means I'm not always patient now and I hate it. I'm also irritable a lot, which upsets those around me, which upsets me. It's like I have no filter any more. My words come out harshly without meaning to.

My bipolar does still involve some gratuitous spending around my period, but nowhere near as badly as when I was with James.

It also brings a very high sex drive. Awkward when I'm as single as a pringle! (But I AM dating and I have some dating posts planned!)

It makes me a very NOW person. My feelings are so intense that there's little past and future. The now is so intense that it blots out a lot.

My memory is AWFUL! I live second to second and constantly need reminding of the plans I've made. @mookie7x7 is like my PA, she knows what's going on in my life better than I do!

My concentration is also awful. I can't read, I can hardly blog. My thoughts come so fast I can't catch them. I can't read and I can barely watch tv. The best way to describe bipolar to you (my bipolar at least) is like having an electric current running through you, vibrating so loudly that you can't concentrate on anything, can't cope with anything.

But it's not all bad. 😁 There's a lot of old me left in there. My humour. My sense of fun. My old friends are here for me and new ones too. It is a struggle but I'm still me. If you have a bipolar person in your life, be gentle with them. They're battling to feel at one with their brain every day. You may not understand it, but please try to be there for them. People with bipolar have a high risk of suicide and need a lot of support.

From bipolar-lives.com:
Never doubt the risk of bipolar suicide. Many studies indicate a 15% rate of suicide amongst individuals with bipolar disorder. This rate is about 30 times higher than than that of the general population. 

Do you know anyone who has bipolar?

Thanks for reading.
Leah xoxo

My very quick journey to bipolar disorder diagnosis

Hello lovelies,

I've wanted to put fingers to keyboard many times over the last 5 and a bit weeks since James dumped me, but I haven't been able to find the will. But I've been writing on Instagram most days, and here's something I've brought over from there and expanded upon in case it helps others - how I got diagnosed with bipolar disorder so quickly. I began exhibiting symptoms of extreme mania the day after James brought home his shitty Dear John letter.

Pic made with Wordswag/Pixabay free images

I believe what helped me get to such a quick diagnosis with bipolar is a video I took in desperation on my most manic day. I went through hysterical laughter, tears, anger and heartbreak in the space of 2 minutes of video. It must've been terrifying for people to watch (I uploaded it to social media as I was so desperate for people to believe me) and it was certainly terrifying living through it.

When it comes to diagnoses you can try to explain how you feel, you can take notes of your symptoms, you can note down other people's impressions of you, (especially if you're losing your grasp on reality or disassociating) but having a video of yourself in a very manic or very depressed mood is even better. I showed my GP and my psychiatrist the video I'd taken round my cousin's flat on the day I REALLY lost my grasp on reality. I'd been to a walk in centre that day and the doctor seemed to think I was just a neurotic woman going through a break up and was otherwise fine. I felt so let down by that GP and I wanted proof things were really bad. Also I was disassociating so badly by then that I needed to look at myself in photos or video to know I was still real. I wasn't sure I existed any more. My cousin had to patiently explain the day's reality to me as I was so out of it.

That terrible day I'd had a little dance with a 90 year old man in a packed Wetherspoons pub in the middle of the lunchtime rush, and got so loud and sweary over lunch that strangers looked scared of me. I didn't miss James at all and was joking I'd been "drowning in cock" one minute, then 2 minutes later I'd be in racking tears of heartbreak, quickly followed by hysterical laughter I couldn't stop. Loud noises made me want to punch people, my eyeballs were rattling around in my head, I hadn't been sleeping, I was shaking so much I couldn't pass people money, I was sweating uncontrollably and my heart physically hurt. I was in an awful state. The doctor I saw at the walk in centre did give me some Diazepam, which at least helped me to sleep, because I'd only been having 1-2 hours a night. This was less than a week after James ended things.

As soon as I had my kinda fruitless experience at the walk in centre I called my own GP and went in a few days later, showed him the video and all the symptoms I'd written down. He could see I was a mess anyway - I was shaking uncontrollably, sweating heavily and my resting heartbeat was galloping along at twice the speed it should've been. He gave me beta blockers to stop my heart exploding (lol) and sedative antihistamines to help me sleep. Less than 2 weeks after that I had my psych evaluation, which took about 90 minutes and was incredibly in depth. I was asked about my sexual history, childhood, jobs, parents, health and so much more. At the end of it I was diagnosed with Bipolar II.

Doing the video definitely helped my speedy diagnosis. So my advice would be video yourself (no matter how painful it is to do when you're manic or very depressed), list all your symptoms as best you can, and ask your loved ones to describe how you've been acting if you've been disassociating or losing your grasp on reality.

But most of all, trust your intuition. If you KNOW things are out of control for you, don't give up until you get help. I know mental health services vary in different countries. I know they vary in different areas of the UK. Some doctors are effing useless when it comes to mental health. Persist if you can and lean on your loved ones while you're undiagnosed. Believe in yourself and your ability to know what's right and wrong in your own body and mind. You know yourself better than anyone else.


I've been medicated for 2 weeks now and I won't lie, some days are hell. I'm only getting 5 hours sleep a day at most. I wake up at 5am every day without fail. I still disassociate sometimes. I shake, I sweat, my heart races. I've gone down a dress size so quickly my hair thinned. I've been throwing up or heaving almost every day for 5 weeks. Today was the first time I could bear to eat my 5 a day. I'm missing meals and when I do eat I'm eating 1/3 of what I used to. Some days I'm high as a kite and other days I'm as low as a sausage dog's knackers. There's no predicting it. It's HARD and there's no guarantee the anti psychotic tablets I'm on are the right ones for me. It's going to be a process to start feeling better.

In my next post I'll talk about how I had undiagnosed bipolar for many years. Big hugs to my mental health fam and all suffering souls out there.


If you have any questions, feel free to ask.

Thanks for reading.
Leah xoxo

Things I've learned from CBT

Hello.

I've been doing CBT for about 3 months or so now and am just over halfway through my course.

I thought I'd talk about what I've learned so far and to a lesser extent, what you can be expected to do if you get offered CBT too.

First, an introduction. I have clinical depression and anxiety disorder. I believe they manifested as a result of the physical illnesses I have (Fibromyalgia & CFS.) I've been on medication for depression and anxiety for about 15 months now, and I am a lot more mentally healthy than I was. In the bad old days I used to lie in bed crying until late in the afternoon (or all day) because I couldn't face the day. I'd rarely get dressed if I wasn't leaving the house and doing things like eating and washing seemed like climbing Mt. Everest. I lost all interest in things I used to love doing, like reading, walks, and leaving the house.

Things are not that dark now, thankfully, but I still have depressive episodes - usually when my fatigue reaches hideous levels. I can handle pain better mentally than fatigue, probably because I've had a long history with pain. (I suffered a debilitating back injury before I reached senior school age.)

CBT is really important because it helps you to identify when you're getting stuck into a downward spiral of negative feelings. Every week I have to fill out thought records, noting down anything that's occurred in the week previously to make me feel sad or anxious. Then the CBT therapist gently asks questions about what's been written.

I'll give you an example. I have a lot of anxiety about letting people down. When I was well I was a woman of my word and if I said I'd do something or be somewhere I'd do it or get there, no matter what consequence to myself. These days I have to take every day at a time (as I don't know until I wake up if it's a good pain/fatigue day) so it's likely some of the time I have to cancel or reschedule plans. So I'd written that I was anxious about cancelling CBT the previous week because I had a lymph node up on my head, a hip injury and the ever-present fatigue.

The therapist would ask things like: Why do you feel this way? If you cancel or reschedule does that mean you're letting people down? Will the other party be upset with you or will they be OK with it? Or is it inevitable that everyone has to cancel or reschedule things at some point?

It's all done very cleverly so you kind of come round to realisations about yourself and the way you think without too much leading by the therapist.

So, things I've learned:

1. No one is as hard on me as I am myself or thinks as badly of me as I do myself.
2. I had to be hard on myself in the past because I've had quite a rough life, and I haven't yet adjusted mentally to being in a better situation. 
3. Things always go better than I think they will.
4. People are usually nicer than I expect them to be. 
5. Nothing is as scary in real life as it is in my head.
6. I've learned distraction helps quell the noise in my head and have finally started to read again.
7. I can't stop all the sadness or anxiety but being able to catch myself and change the subject mentally some of the time is progress.
8. When I start to feel anxious about events to come ask myself lots of 'What then?' and 'What's the worst that could happen?' questions. Sometimes the key to shutting down anxiety is as simple as having a plan B. 
9. If something sounds big and scary in my head, writing it down can make it seem less so.
10. To use getselfhelp.co.uk where they have lots of free resources such as thought sheets.

It's quite ironic that I post this just a few days after a massive down day but you have to take the rough with the smooth and hope for better days ahead, because they will come.

If you are having problems with depression and anxiety, please see your GP. I put off seeing mine for about three years because I was so scared I wouldn't be taken seriously and those are three years I'll never get back.

I will say that it's quite an undertaking to examine your thoughts in such detail, and it can be tiring, but it's so worthwhile. I recently went from going once a week to fortnightly as it was physically and mentally exhausting me. I think a physically well person would be OK with it, but it exacerbated my CFS.

Thanks for reading, and hugs to all who need them.