I really wanted blogging to be my full time job but it hasn't worked out

I-really-wanted-blogging-to-be-full-time-job // www.xloveleahx.co.uk

I had an epiphany on holiday and it's going to change my life.

I really wanted blogging to be my full time job but it hasn't worked out.

Let me clarify that. I wanted it to be a paying full time job. It has been a job, and at times over the last 6 years it has felt like a full time job. It has paid in the past and I had a good end to 2016, but this year things haven't been the same. My heart isn't in it.

I had a social media hiatus on my recent holiday. I had felt like I was heading for a nervous breakdown, so it was bliss to unplug. I didn't use my laptop once in 9 days despite lugging it to Bath and Dorset with me. I ignored my work email 90% of the time I was away. I avoided social media as much as I could. I didn't miss it at all. Doing real life things and having a break from my usual habits gave me pause for thought.

I've been blogging pretty continuously since 2004. I started on MySpace, and came over to Blogger around 2009. This is my third or fourth blog URL since I've been using Blogger, and I turned the focus of my blog from 'anything goes' to plus size fashion in 2011. I had no clue about anything when I started anew as a plus size blogger, other than I wanted to learn to love my body and document the process for others like me. For the first few years my photos were atrocious, and I've reverted most of my early posts back to drafts as they make me cringe so much. Blurry and dark photos, cluttered backgrounds, and a selection of facial expressions which wouldn't have been out of place at a gurning competition. 😁 It was a very slow process for me to get to a point where I was proud of what I did. People were always kind, though - I think they saw the heart behind the poor quality photos and uncomfortable faces I pulled.

Up until the end of last year I put a lot of effort into this blog, and a while ago now I started trying to make money from blogging. I thought "I've been doing this a long time, and will all have been worth it if I could make some money from this hobby I've fallen into."

But the thing is, I'm a really shit businesswoman.


I doubt myself, my writing skills and every other facet of myself there IS to doubt. I'm rubbish at advocating for myself. I'm useless at being proactive and going looking for work or collaborations. I'm totally crud at valuing myself and asking for money. I get far too stressed out about the people who want to take advantage of me.

That's not to say that everyone who emails me wants to take me for a ride - I've made some lovely friendships and connections with brands and small companies since I've been blogging.


But the thing is, lots of people think bloggers are there to be exploited. On an almost daily basis I'm contacted by someone who wants to "write a post tailored to my audience." They don't want any payment for it - how magnanimous of them! They "just want to get their work out there", but funnily enough when you probe deeper they want 3 do-follow links and they're actually working for companies who basically want free sponsored posts, and they use this "freelance writer looking to place work on blogs like yours" shtick to get around the rules about sponsored posts and Google's insistence on no-follow links. But if you're not getting paid, ta-da, companies win because they're getting free do-follow links, and bloggers lose.

Lots of companies want to send a blogger a £20 dress and have that be your 'payment' for going out on location to shoot photos, plus writing a blog post and doing social media shares. An hour out doing photos, an hour editing pics and an hour writing and you're looking at less than minimum wage.......and that's if you're offered product AT ALL in exchange for your time. A lot of the time you're expected to do things out of the goodness of your heart. When you're a new blogger it's thrilling to be sent anything and you feel like you've made it, but those £20 dresses don't pay the rent. You can't shop in Tesco with the 'exposure' people in your inbox promise you.

The thing is, I know what I'd need to do to make money as a blogger and I can't bring myself to do it. I can't talk about double glazing or hairdresser's chairs in a sponsored post for £50 and look at myself in the mirror. I can't break Google's rules about no-follow links in sponsored posts and on review items because I've worked a long time on this blog and I don't want it to be penalised by Google and lose my hard-earned good DA and PA ratings. I've turned down SO MUCH money this year for things that made me feel dirty just thinking about them.

I know I can't suddenly change into some ruthless go-getter who values herself just enough to not come across as grasping, who advocates for herself just enough not to be called a bitch, and who doesn't have to wave goodbye to her principles in order to earn money.


Going back to my holiday, I realised I put an awful lot of work into something which isn't making me any money. I thought I hadn't made any money all year, but then I went back and checked - I've made the princely sum of £32.07 from my blog this year, and that's from affiliate links - where if people buy from a link I've used I get a small percentage of the sale. I've always seen my social media channels as an extension of my blog, and my blog has felt like my job. So although I spent hours every week fending off randy men or bigoted trolls on my social media it was OK, because this was going to be my job and I was going to make money at it.

Except nope, it isn't and I don't.


It puts all that time into perspective. Don't get me wrong, I can't imagine a time when I'll EVER stop blogging or venting my spleen on social media, but it's time for me to reassess my priorities. I love it when people tell me that me being boldly myself gives them the strength to do the same. It's wonderful to hear! But I'm a chronically ill and mentally ill woman with a finite amount of time on the earth. I'm not Mother Teresa - I can't live a selfless life in the service of others. It's time to spend more energy on things that fulfill me - financially or spiritually. Instead of spending hours giving a shit about stats/scheduling posts/fending off trolls et cetera et cetera et cetera maybe it's time I just live my life. Learn a language. Read about ancient Egypt. Write that book I've always wanted to. Work on improving my health and mobility. Think of ways I *can* make money as a disabled woman who loves to write but doubts herself. See if there are other ways I can be of service to people which doesn't take such an awful toll on my mental health and my time.

I'm going back to being a hobby blogger, and I'm OK with that. And no, that doesn't mean I'll post "tailored posts for your audience" for free. 😝😝😝 It means I can ignore people with bad intentions in my inbox with no guilt because

THIS
ISN'T
MY
F*CKING
JOB

How do YOU feel about blogging?

Thanks for reading. Leah xoxo

24 comments

  1. I've never wanted blogging to be my job. It is hard enough as it is, to write posts sometimes, without adding pressure of having to please other people to it.

    I really hope that this epiphany will help you feel more comfortable in this space and also allow you to feel more free to write about whatever YOU want to write about.

    I also hope that you now feel free to take yourself out of this tiny niche you've been stuck into and make this your personal blog which means if you want to write about your favourite brand of tea, or put up a recipe you love, or show us your collection of collectibles, or even just write a post purely about a TV show or movie, you feel completely free to do that. You can write about anything and/or everything you have an interest in, and your readers can feel free to read that post or if it is not something they are interested in, they just wait for the next one to come along. That is how I handle my blogging, anyway. :)

    Don't get me wrong when I say this - I love the At This Moment posts you do as I feel like it gives me more insight into who you are as a person. :) While I enjoy your fashion posts just as much, fashion is just one part of who you are. Don't limit yourself to any niche when you write here.

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    1. Thanks Snoskred. You know what, I think it will change how and what I write here. The lack of freedom I've felt has been self-imposed in a way, and now I can do what the f**ck I like. I mean, I always could, but I felt like this place had to be a certain way - professional - as I was hoping to find paid work. Now all bets are off.

      I don't have to give a flying stuff about stats or any of that as I'll be blogging for my own wellbeing, just as I was before I got ideas about making money. Money ruins everything. Of course it makes the world go round, but it also ruins things. I'm not for sale and it feels wonderful. I don't have to count my 'worth' in page views or whatever else.

      I really enjoy writing those At These Moment posts. I read them back and think 'Oh yeah, that's what I was reading/watching last month.' Another great thing which goes out of the window when you try to blog as a profession is the aspect of a blog being an online diary. I look forward to talking more about my life.

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  2. Good for you Leah!!! You need to think about YOU and what makes YOU happy!! This is what YOU have been telling me over the years and that is what I've done. I've done it for me. And that is why I blog when I want to. And that is why I post in social media when I want to. Sometimes I find it fun, other times I don't!! You do what makes you happy and satisfied in life as that is what counts. :) You are so talented at writing and writing a book is something both Mike and I have tried to encourage you to do more than a few times!!! You would be more than great at it. And no pressure at all. You could write a book and if you want to publish it, do it independently.. or don't publish it at all. I've written three non fictional books that I have never had any intention of releasing, I've just done it for the love of it. They are about geography since I love geography so much!! :) Do it!! Do it for you, share it with a few, share it with a lot. But the main thing is, do it for fun!! :) I love you lady and I can't express it enough how much your writing and your friendship have helped me through a lot of things through the years we have known each other <3

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    1. Thank you wifey. In many ways writing a blog to be something for someone else is the wrong way to go. I think a successful blog has to be for and about OURSELVES. It can't be about trying to make money or being the way you think other people want you to be. I haven't done any real creative writing in years (apart from a little poetry here and there) because I always prioritise the blog, and that was OK all the while I thought I was going to make a career of blogging, but that's not the case, so I need to spend my time more wisely/productively/selfishly, even.

      It will be great to jot down ideas for a book in a pad, work on characters, maybe even do a creative writing course. I've spent SO MUCH of my time - literally a full time job's worth of time for much of it - aiming towards something that is no longer working for me. I feel lighter for this decision. I think my blog can only improve as I stop giving fucks about being 'professional' or worrying about who may have an opinion of me.

      Also, heading slightly away from the fashion side of it and broadening my horizons means I can drop the bloody obsession with new clothes (much to James's relief) which is perfect timing since we're saving for a mortgage deposit. I started blogging for my own wellbeing, and in the end it turned in many ways into the worst possible thing for my mental health. It's time to claw this space back for me, start saying a big fat NO to pisstakers in my inbox and start utilising my time for me, not aiming for some pie in the sky thing which makes me miserable.

      Thanks for the support. <3

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  3. You have really hit the nail on the head here, and I am in the process of writing myself a very similar blog post to this. Recently my health has nose dived slightly and one of the biggest things thats been bugging me is how am I going to take glossy blog photos when I can barely keep myself going. The answer is I am not because they are not my job. I have been swept up in a world where I never feel good enough because I dont always get invited to events, I dont spend lots of money on clothes and makeup and I really dont like the constant numbers game! Iam going back to writing my blog because I love it.

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    1. Honestly, pleasing yourself is THE only way to go about blogging. I've been on a rollercoaster journey the last few years of comparisons to others, and feeling worthless and wretched at times. The WORST possible thing I did was let other people into my head. The minute you start thinking about making money or appealing to brands you are handing over your blog wholesale. Your words are no longer your own. You lose your potency. Maybe the secret to the big bloggers is all along they've been strong enough to keep other people out of their heads as they write.

      Trust me, events aren't all that - but I was the same, I longed to be invited. It's bragging rights on social media (to some, hahaha) and maybe a 4 hour return trip on a train for a couple of hours of company with other bloggers. You don't need to be invited anywhere to do that - just get together with blogger pals anyway, throw a glass of vino and a couple of cupcakes into the mix and Bob's your uncle. The same with free stuff really - it might not feel like work at first but when you're juggling 3 deadlines in a week and your physical/mental health is down the crapper is loses all its gloss. Still, it's best to find these things out for ourselves as experience is king. Just keep on being you and don't let anyone change you - that was my biggest mistake. Sometimes the toughest chains to shirk off are the ones we put on ourselves.

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  4. Good for you! We should all only do the things we love...life is too short. I blog for myself...because my memory is terrible & I like to remember what I wore, how I wore it, & what I did. I don't mind getting free clothing once in a while if I like the brand...but I don't intend my blog to be a moneymaker. My favorite unexpected part of blogging is the people I meet...other bloggers & women who tell me seeing me wear clothes has given them the courage to step outside their comfort zone...that makes me smile every time.

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    1. It is too short, and it's silly to live it for the wrong reasons. Being chronically ill it would've been really good to make a living from something which started out as a hobby, but then I lost that hobby. I lost the enjoyment. If you really love something introducing money into it can be a really bad idea.

      I love the comments I get here, the emails from readers, the lovely people I've met through blogging and social media. There will NEVER be a day that I don't have something to say as long as I breathe. But writing here was for my mental health and wellbeing and it turned into something which hurt my mental health and wellbeing. If I am to make money at anything in this life in my new reduced capability, it's not going to be here. Not unless it's completely on my terms. I'm done with SHOULD. I'm all about what I WANT to do now. :)

      Like you, I want my blog to go back to being more of an online diary. I can't remember what I did last week so a visual reminder is wonderful.

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  5. Leah love your posts. I also suffer from anxiety and depression. I am starting a new job soon and I am full of self doubt. I have always been made to feel like I am not good enough so it makes me feel that. I have no confidence and when it comes to work I set myself up to fail.

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    1. Thank you. <3 I'm sorry to hear that Karen. I have been the same for all my life. But you should believe in yourself, just like I should believe in myself. I'm sorry to hear you've always been made to feel you're not good enough. I hope those people are no longer in your life, because the more you have to listen to crap like that the easier it is to believe. Surround yourself with people who see the good and the potential in you. You might just surprise yourself in your new job! Best of luck with it.

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    2. Hi Karen, apologies for butting in, but first of all congratulations on your new job, well done & hugs xx When I started the job I have now my self esteem was so low I would have had to dig for hours to find it. My first day was training and when we got a break I went upstairs, went to ladies, locked myself in a cubicle and refused to come out again! Thanks to a dear lady, my trainer, who chatted with me through the door and then crouched down to get her head under the door (seriously! So embarrassing!) well thanks to her I went back downstairs and I kinda faked it till I didn't have to! I'm telling you this because I need you to know I understand Coping back then involved a whole lot of smiling, best thing about smiling a lot is that eventually you fool yourself into feeling happy too :) I've been at that job for almost 11 years now and I love it. I also battle depression & anxiety honey, and yes they can be a bitch at times (I'm finding it difficult going outside again right now) but you'll beat them honey and you are plenty good enough. Good luck in your new job, you'll be fabulous just wait and see, huggles xx

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  6. You're just right to be honest, if it's not a fit for you, why make yourself unhappy! Thankfully I've not had to sell my soul, but I used it to build my actual business - my blogging and youtube just gives me pocket money by comparison. I do think there are some folk that get a bit carried away by it all. You do you - I had a similar thought wave to yourself while I was away travelling. I'd the world to see! Look after yourself my lovely and continue ignoring the gross men and silly requests.

    Honestly Aine

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    1. Thank you Aine! I really admire people who manage to be completely themselves and make money at it. To me, as soon as I thought of this blog as a potential job I lost my potency. Instead of 'What do I want to write about?' and having that be an exciting, wide-open-possibility kind of thing, it became 'What SHOULD I write about?' A worry. About stats, page views and God knows what else. I always admire people who have nothing but their own thoughts in their head when they write, but as soon as I introduced the possibility of making money into this space I ruined it. I stopped writing for me. I was writing for unseen unknown people out there, an invisible audience. I feel like I've been on death row and I just got my life back, except my death sentence was handed down by myself.

      The truth is the last 10 years of having chronic illness haven't been an easy transition. I haven't found a way to make money as a disabled person. I can't do a normal job and I don't know what I can do instead. I tried following the joy and making my hobby my job, and all I did was ruin my hobby. It's OK not to have all the answers though, the questions in themselves are enlightening.

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  7. Good for you xx I love your blog and it's because you're true to yourself. I've had a fair few of those 'let me post on your blog' emails lately - delete! Life overtakes us sometimes and I know my little blog will still be there once I have the time and strength to get back to it. Btw - are you going to Curve Fashion Fest? Bought a ticket and in two minds whether to go or not!

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    1. Thanks Cathy. As true to myself as I try to be, I haven't been myself ENOUGH. As soon as I entertained the idea of bringing money in through this blog I lost creative freedom. When you're worrying about pageviews or stats or other unimportant crap you're micro-adjusting your content. You're not writing for yourself any more. Maybe the best/biggest bloggers are there because they've never let anyone else into their heads when they write, they're always ME FIRST, YOU SECOND. But that hasn't been me. I feel like a new woman now I can go back to writing for me. Oh, the joy!

      YES I am going to CFF, with Mookie. I'd love to see you there!

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    2. Also, I know everyone gets those piss-taking emails. They drain me so much. The potential demands on me in my inbox drain me every day. Now I'm not trying to make money I have no guilt or shame about deleting them. :D

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  8. It's rare for someone to feel good at something that they don't enjoy but make themselves do all the time anyway. If your heart was in it, I bet you could find ways to feel good at it. But your heart isn't in it, which means it isn't what you should be doing! Good for you for deciding to seek more rewarding pursuits instead of forcing yourself to continue unhappy work!

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    1. Thanks for your comment Dandi. I knew I wasn't happy, but I didn't know why. You know there's that saying 'Dance like no one is watching and sing like no one is listening'? It should exist for writers as 'Write like no one is reading' because as soon as you become hyper aware of doing things for money or to attract brands, you lose something magical. Now I feel like I can write about anything, and I SHALL. :)

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  9. Dear Leah!
    I am a blogger too and since I blog I struggle with the question to monetize the blog or not. Well, I've come to the conclusion that I am what I am, a hobby blogger with all my heart and I want to blog about things that I love to blog. So do what you love but do it with passion! Blog about everything you like and I hope to read more lovely and interesting posts from you! ;-)
    Do what you feel comfortable with! That's the thing! ;-)
    Hugs, Emmi

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    1. Thank you lovely Emmi. The funny thing is, now I feel like I can blog about anything, I have SO MANY ideas for posts to write. And the silly thing is I always could write about anything - I just felt I couldn't because of all the unnecessary crap I concerned myself with like stats and procuring paid work. Now I feel such freedom. Hugs back!

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  10. Thank you so much for your honesty! It is nice to see the real struggles of a real blogger and to know that I`m not the only one who experience similar issues with my blog. You are amazing and your blog is very interesting! I wish you tons of inspiration and sending you positive vibes, hugs and kisses!

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    1. Thanks very much Liz! I've just been looking at your blog and your makeup skills are AMAZING! You have a new follower in me. :) Hugs back. <3

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  11. Leah, whatever you do, you'll be you and that means that whatever it is will be fabulous x You have to do whatever makes you happy honey, it's taken me a lifetime of putting up with sometimes awful things to learn that. Make yourself smile dear wee friend, you deserve the moon for the happiness you bring others, huggles always xxx

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