6 reasons I'm not blogging right now

'Ello love bugs!


To give you a bit of background into my life right now, I'm out of the manic phase of bipolar and back into the depressive phase, so I can concentrate a little better now. I'm starting to get my blogging mojo back a bit, but I have a few little issues stopping me from doing it as often as I'd like.

  1. The internet here is really slow. There's nothing anyone can do about it, we're in a crap area for internet so it takes a long time to upload photos.
  2. I haven't found my place to do outfit photos yet. With James, we went to so many lovely places (especially over the last couple of years) so there were plenty of nice backgrounds to stand in front of. Now I'm back to home-based photos and I haven't found the right spot for it yet. Plus, James was really good behind the camera and I don't have that technical person in my life any more.
  3. I've kinda lost my mojo with clothes and makeup. I've got rid of a HUGE amount of clothes and makeup since I split up with James, and I'm still getting rid of things all the time. There's very little point having tons of things if they're all in my aunt's garage, so I've been ruthless. I have less to wear and very little money for new things. The charity shopping scene in my part of Kent is crap - there are hardly any fat people. In East Sussex - where I used to live - plus size charity shopping was great but here it's not so good, so I need to diversify from a fashion blog. There will still be fashion, just less of it.
  4. When I wiped my laptop after J and I split (I suspected there was spyware on it after my emails and Facebook were hacked twice) I lost my photo editing software. I'm having to use Picmonkey to edit everything and it's sooooo slow (especially with the internet here) and that's stressful too.
  5. To be honest, I've lost some of my confidence. Everything here is new and strange. I've gone from having a huge 2 bedroom flat and balcony to take photos on (and having the place to myself during the day to do as I pleased) to one bedroom to take photos in. I share a house with an ensemble cast that includes my aunt (of course), my uncle (her brother) who semi-lives here, and my mum and step dad who have keys and pop in any time. It's not like I can stroll around taking underwear shots any more. 
  6. The manic phase of bipolar is BRUTAL. I don't know if you've ever felt ill at ease in your own skin and brain but imagine waking up in someone else's body and brain and the sense of what the eff is wrong with me will be about the same. I just couldn't concentrate to write at ALL. I couldn't read, I couldn't watch films, I couldn't do anything other than jitter, lol. That lasted for about 10 weeks. I'm in the depressive phase now and concentration is still a problem, but less so than in the manic phase.
I hope things get easier in time.

Thanks to those of you who are still commenting on my blog when I do post.
Leah xoxo

10 comments

  1. *hugs* still here, still reading, bit busy on my end at the moment. ;) Building a delicate nirvana requires then spending time in it, and until this weekend I did not have a chair compatible with my laptop for out there but I bought a new one so I'll be around more soon! ;)

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    1. Thanks Snoskred. I'm glad you've got a comfy chair for your laptop - that'll help a lot.

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  2. If you've got a tablet and a laptop, transfer the shots you're happy with to the tablet from the laptop and use free apps like Snapseed/Pixlr for editing.You can always transfer them back. It doesn't solve much but it may help with one problem.

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    1. Thanks lovely. I'm happy with Picmonkey and I *think* I can use it on my tablet, it's just it's slow. My brain isn't very good at learning new things right now.

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  3. You poor lass, I’m surprised you can do anything at all. I haven’t had mania in any shape or form for years but I do remember it. ‘Real’ mania was dreadful because I couldn’t trust myself to do ANYTHING. Cross the road, uh, no, I had a really wrong idea of myself in relation to a double-decker bus and it went downhill from there… Hypomania I thought was great, I zipped around, felt fab, on top of the world but everything I did was weird and mostly unuseable in the cold light of normality. I couldn’t have written a coherent sentence or taken a decent photo to save my life. I DID paint rather lovely scenes from Nefertari’s tomb on my landlady’s wall and even though it was 20 years ago she still tells people how awful it was. Much worse apparently than the people who trashed the place, stole the washer and the fridge, and even the guy who pooed all over the carpet!!! I was mortified at the time but now I can laugh at it. And the ‘frescoes’ were good  Yours may well get better in time too. No matter how much you feel/think you’ve washed the man right out of your hair your pysche is still scarred and until those deep inner wounds from being let down by someone you loved and trusted heal your psychosis won’t either. Huge emotional/psychological/spiritual upsets both trigger it and feed it and it’s not something rational you has much control over. I will keep you on my Bloglovin’ and look forward to the day when you rediscover your blogging mojo in whatever form.

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    1. Hi Izabel. Thanks for your lovely comment. I did have some actual mania and then about a month or so of hypomania. Given a choice I'd probably have hypomania back because the fatigue in the depressive phase is just the pits. I'm SO lethargic every second awake feels like hell. I hope things settle down a bit for me. Thanks so much for the support. <3 I hope to have my blogging mojo back soon.

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  4. Hello Fan,pleased you are getting back to your old self a bit now,I have missed your blogs,but circumstances have been a tad poop for you I know.Take care my sweet,big hugs xx

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    1. Thanks Elaine! I hope you and K had a lovely Christmas? xxx

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  5. I'm still here and glad to hear from you, but also content to wait while you do what you need to do. With all you're dealing with, you're a star just for keeping going every day. Bravo to you, lady! <3

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