In Memoriam


Today is a sad day in our household. Today is the anniversary of my due date. If my little one had made it all the way and had been born on his/her due date (unlikely, I know!) the little one would've been one year old today.

How different life would've been.... instead of rabbiting on about make up, I'd be cleaning up baby sick. Instead of posting photos of what new make up I'd snagged, I'd be showing you cute baby outfits and 23 zillion photos of our progeny.

But you know, everything happens for a reason. I still live to fight another day, unlike many women who go through ectopic pregnancy. I've been through two and am still here. That is more than some. An ectopic pregnancy is when the foetus starts growing outside the womb. 98% of cases of ectopic pregnancy grow in the fallopian tube, but you can also have an ectopic pregnancy in your abdominal cavity, ovary or cervix.

It would be remiss of me to waste the opportunity to raise awareness about ectopic pregnancy, as it can and does kill. Please head over HERE to the Ectopic Pregnancy Trust to read about the signs and symptoms of ectopic pregnancy. If you're sexually active, it *could* happen to you. About 2% of pregnancies are ectopic. If you're of an age where you're sexually active, if you're actively trying to get pregnant or just screwing for fun please PLEASE inform yourself of the symptoms. Tell your sisters, tell your friends, tell everyone you know. If informing women of the risks could save one woman's life, then my two lost babes aren't in vain. The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust has a wealth of information on their site, so please feel free to read more at your leisure.

I know now that my first ectopic pregnancy happened to ensure I am still alive today. The first ectopic pregnancy wasn't as serious as the second as my fallopian tube didn't burst, but it gave me the knowledge of what ectopic pregnancy pain is like. Has I not had that first ectopic pregnancy, I would've ignored my pains last year and I wouldn't be here today. I am here by the skin of my teeth although I was in hospital when my fallopian tube burst. They barely saved me. If I'd been at home, I surely would've bled out.

So, what is ectopic pregnancy pain like? For me, it was an insistent stabbing pain on my left side, over my left fallopian tube, which was where the baby was growing. It was the kind of pain that knocks you for six. If I'd have been standing up when it happened, I'm sure I would've faltered. As soon as I felt the first pain, I said goodbye to my pregnancy. I knew exactly what was happening because of my first ectopic pregnancy. I went and laid down for half an hour to see if it would get better (hoping against all hope) but it didn't. The longer the pain goes on, the worse it gets. Over the hours it started to spread out upwards towards my tummy and down into my vagina like a fire. Soon, rocking backwards and forwards was the only thing I could do to try and take my mind off of it. I had about 1 hour of the pain at home and 12 hours in hospital, during which time I had blood tests, pregnancy tests, scans, internal examinations. Even though I had very good care and constant monitoring, my fallopian tube still burst, I still lost 2-3 litres of blood, I still had to have my fallopian tube removed. Now you understand the importance of getting it checked out. Trust your intuition - if you feel the pain is different to any you've ever had before, don't take any chances. You know your own body. 

If you have sudden abdominal pain which doesn't get better over the period of an hour, has no rational explanation and is enough to make you sit up and take notice, please don't delay. Don't tell yourself you can't be pregnant and dismiss it. My partner and I were using condoms AND I was on the pill when I fell pregnant the first time. Get yourself off to the doctors if it's in the daytime, or the hospital if it's in the evening/night. Believe me, any GP or hospital doctor worth their salt would gladly send you away reassured if it's something else rather than the possible alternative - rushing you into theatre to save your life. You will not be 'bothering' anyone. You might just save your life.

This blog goes out to all of you who've lost a child (even if the law says it's 'just' a foetus), to those of you trying to have a child, and all the people out there who desperately want to be mummies and daddies.