5 things to tell yourself when depression strikes

On Friday morning I woke up feeling completely awful and it's knocked me for six. I've gone from a reasonably well-adjusted human (albeit one with depression and S.A.D.) to a shaking wreck who is sleeping as much of every day as possible and can't stop crying. Rather than sharing a long post about how awful I feel (which wouldn't help anybody) here are some things I've learned which I'll share for anyone else going through a hard time.

Black dog version 2.0

Hello,

I'm having a bit of a mental health meltdown and I'm taking a little break from social media. I'm not sure if that's going to extend to blogging or not, but if I'm not here for a couple of days you know why. My tank is running on empty.

I wrote this on Facebook the other day:

You know, sometimes depression isn't sadness, it's.....numbness, and tiredness. It's a mental and physical drain. It's trying hard to care about other people but not quite managing to follow through with it because the tank is empty. There's nothing left for you, let alone anyone else. The intention is there but the energy to care isn't, because worrying about others takes precious energy you haven't got to give. It's getting no joy from things which usually excite you and everything feels like a chore, even the basics of life like eating and self care. And of course depression is a series of ups and downs - there's no stability, and that in itself is exhausting. Getting used to feeling like a blackboard wiped clean is one thing, but then a good day comes along, which in itself is great, until the low lands even lower in comparison to that one good day when your brain actually worked properly. 

To expand upon that, depression is also like being under siege. There's no tomorrow, there's no next week, there's no next month. There's nothing but surviving today, and when people want to talk about future plans they may as well be talking about next century. It seems like the less able I am to cope the more in demand I am, but I would feel like that at times like these. It's a running joke between James and I about the never-ending series of notifications on my phone. I've uninstalled Facebook Messenger on my phone (Oh the joys of being instantly contactable 24-7!) and it's on silent for the duration. 

Then there are the emails a blogger gets, everyone wanting their pound of flesh. The endless 'offers' which benefit me in no way at all, dressed up in words a 5 year old could see through. Combined with the pestering men who treat every social media channel of mine like a dating site I feel like I'm slowly being leached of life. 

It's time to decompress, binge watch my favourite crime shows and read lots, and fill up my energy tank again. I'll be back when it's time.

Have a great week.
Leah xoxo

Robin Williams, suicide and knowing you're enough

(I'm talking about depression and suicide in this post so please give it a miss if it will upset you.)

The news of Robin Williams' death yesterday hit me for six. Any bright light extinguished leaves us all a little more in the dark than before. Robin Williams was nuclear fusion bright and leaves shadows in corners which weren't there until he left us. Quite simply, he was a stalwart of my childhood and formative years. I was raised watching Mork and Mindy (nanu nanu!) and as the years went by this conjurer of emotions continued to make me laugh, cry, or be afraid (in the case of One Hour Photo).

As is so often the case with genius, it comes with a side order of madness, a drop of darkness and a cluster of demons. To anybody who might have said 'But he had all that money and fame, how could he be depressed?' I would ask: Have you ever been depressed? I already know the answer to that question, because if you had you wouldn't need to ask. Depression does not discriminate - prince or pauper, lavatory cleaner or brain surgeon.

If you can't even imagine a place so dark that you feel the world would be better off without you, you're blessed. Almost 20 years ago after an accident which affected my mobility I was well on the way to alcoholism, and life seemed intolerable. I contemplated suicide on a daily basis for many months. No one knew, not a soul, until blurted it all out to my dad finally. Thankfully I had the presence of mind to realise the booze was fuelling the black dog, and I gave it up and became well again in time. It's not so long ago that I can't remember how utterly bereft of hope I felt, and as such I have the utmost compassion for anyone in such a dark place they can see no other way out. Of course it's always worse for the ones left behind, the ones thinking they could've done something, but for casual onlookers to demonise pained souls who take their own lives is breathtakingly devoid of compassion.

There is still so much to be done in the way of awareness if people still think suicide as a result of mental illness is selfish, or if having money and talent somehow insulates a person to the debilitating effects of depression. Nothing does. Depression does not care who you are.

I have been depressed again for the last 5 years or so, but it's different this time. It's not a suicidal depression, but a general heaviness as a result of having Fibromyalgia and CFS/ME. It's mostly under control with medication (and after having therapy last year) but occasionally I still struggle with feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness. I still question what's wrong with me occasionally. The difference is the majority of the time I know these feelings will pass and that these voices in my head are liars.

I think it's a very human thing to look for fault within ourselves and to question if we are enough. Enough. Such a little word which bears such great consequence on our self esteem and mental well-being. No one can know for sure what Robin Williams' mindset was before he died, or if he knew how much he was valued. All we can know is he had to be in unimaginable pain, and for that we must have compassion. But more so we need compassion for the living - for ourselves and for each other. Don't be afraid to ask for help if you are suffering. Don't be afraid to ask if you think someone else is.

There is such a plethora of reasons that might cause a person to feel suicidal, and many of them are covered in the helplines and websites listed below. [Information source.] Please feel free to add any more you may know of in the comments.
 
Should you ever feel like life is spiralling out of control for any reason please PLEASE talk to someone.

Depression, anxiety, obsession and mental health

Rethink Mental Illness

Support and advice for people living with mental illness.
Phone: 0300 5000 927 (Mon-Fri, 10am-2pm)
Website: www.rethink.org

Depression Alliance

Charity for sufferers of depression. Has a network of self-help groups.
Website: www.depressionalliance.org

CALM

CALM is the Campaign Against Living Miserably, for men aged 15-35.
Website: www.thecalmzone.net

Bipolar UK

A charity helping people living with manic depression or bipolar disorder.
Website: www.bipolaruk.org.uk

Samaritans

Confidential support for people experiencing feelings of distress or despair.
Phone: 08457 90 90 90 (24-hour helpline)
Website: www.samaritans.org.uk

Sane

Charity offering support and carrying out research into mental illness.
Phone: 0845 767 8000 (daily, 6pm-11pm)
SANEmail email: sanemail@org.uk
Website: www.sane.org.uk

Mind

Promotes the views and needs of people with mental health problems.
Phone: 0300 123 3393 (Mon-Fri, 9am-6pm)
Website: www.mind.org.uk

The Mental Health Foundation

Provides information and support for anyone with mental health problems or learning disabilities.
Website: www.mentalhealth.org.uk

YoungMinds

Information on child and adolescent mental health. Services for parents and professionals.
Phone: Parents' helpline 0808 802 5544 (Mon-Fri, 9.30am-4pm)
Website: www.youngminds.org.uk

PAPYRUS

Young suicide prevention society.
Phone: HOPElineUK 0800 068 4141 (Mon-Fri,10am-5pm & 7pm-10pm. Weekends 2pm-5pm)
Website: www.papyrus-uk.org

Abuse (child, sexual, domestic violence)

NSPCC

Children's charity dedicated to ending child abuse and child cruelty.
Phone: 0800 1111 for Childline for children (24-hour helpline)
0808 800 5000 for adults concerned about a child (24-hour helpline)
Website: www.nspcc.org.uk

Refuge

Advice on dealing with domestic violence.
Phone: 0808 2000 247 (24-hour helpline)
Website: www.refuge.org.uk

Addiction (drugs, alcohol, gambling)

Alcoholics Anonymous

Phone: 0845 769 7555 (24-hour helpline)
Website: www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk

Narcotics Anonymous

Phone: 0300 999 1212 (daily until midnight)
Website: www.ukna.org

Gamblers Anonymous

Website: www.gamblersanonymous.org.uk

Alzheimer's 

Alzheimer's Society

Provides information on dementia, including factsheets and helplines.
Phone: 0300 222 1122 (Mon-Fri, 9am-5pm. Weekends, 10am-4pm)
Website: www.alzheimers.org.uk

Bereavement

Cruse Bereavement Care

Phone: 0844 477 9400 (Mon-Fri, 9am-5pm)
Website: www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk

Crime victims 

Find your local helpline at:

Rape Crisis

Phone: 0808 802 9999 (daily, 12pm-2.30pm, 7pm-9.30pm)
Website: www.rapecrisis.org.uk

Victim Support

Phone: 0845 30 30 900 (Mon-Fri, 9am-8pm. Weekends, 9am-7pm)
Website: www.victimsupport.org

Eating disorders

Beat

Phone: 0845 634 1414 (Mon-Thurs, 1.30pm-4.30pm)
Website: www.b-eat.co.uk

Learning disabilities

Mencap

Charity working with people with a learning disability, their families and carers.
Phone: 0808 808 1111 (for information on their services)
Website: www.mencap.org.uk

Obsessions

OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) Action

Support for people with obsessive compulsive disorder. Includes information on treatment and online resources.
Phone: 0845 390 6232 (Mon-Fri, 9.30am-5pm)
Website: www.ocdaction.org.uk

OCD UK

A charity run by people with OCD, for people with OCD. Includes facts, news and treatments.
Phone: 0845 120 3778 (Mon-Fri, 9am-5pm)
Website: www.ocduk.org 

Panic and anxiety 

No Panic

Voluntary charity offering support for sufferers of panic attacks and OCD. Offers a course to help overcome your phobia/OCD. Includes a helpline.
Phone: 0800 138 8889 (daily, 10am-10pm)
Website: http://www.nopanic.org.uk

No More Panic  

Provides valuable information for sufferers and carers of people with Panic, Anxiety, Phobias and Obsessive Compulsive Disorders (OCD). You should use the website information, Message Forum and Chat room alongside any care you are currently receiving from your physician.Website: http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/

Parenting

Family Lives

Phone: 0808 800 2222 (daily, 7am-midnight)
Website: www.familylives.org.uk

Phobias

Anxiety UK

Charity providing support if you've been diagnosed with an anxiety condition.
Phone: 08444 775 774 (Mon-Fri, 9.30am-5.30pm)
Website: www.anxietyuk.org.uk

Relationships

Relate

Phone: 0300 100 1234 (for information on their services)
Website: www.relate.org.uk

In the US, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline is 1-800-273-8255. In Australia, the crisis support service Lifeline is on 13 11 14.

Thanks for reading.

The dirty D word

Don't talk about it, don't think about it. It's miserable, isn't it?

Miserable to suffer, miserable for people who aren't blighted with it to have to hear about. So you shut up, swallow it down, try not to taint other people with your....filth.

Everyone around you is doing great - they're sparkly, happy, full of life - which is a stark contrast to the dry, hollowed-out husk of a person you feel you are right now.

And you're just.....hanging onto the cliff by your bloodied broken fingernails and wondering 'Would it be easier to let go? Should I just let it engulf me? Would oblivion be peace?'

All around you people seem to be screaming with their normality, making you feel smaller, more lacking, more wrong, so you isolate yourself although you crave knowing someone gives a flying shit. You can't take part in the chattering masses, tempting as it is because something inside tells you you're not worthy of them, that they don't give a shit about you. So you retreat. People think you're aloof. The very reason you pull away makes others draw back so you're twice as far away as you were before. Can you ever go back? Do you even want to go back? What's the point.

DEPRESSION.

Black Dog

Hi.

Most of the time my anti-depressants do a great job. Most of the time I'm so happy, but today I just can't lift the fog. Today's posts were scheduled so there's a happiness there I just don't feel today.

I was reminded of the loss of our last baby this morning when I came across my old blog from when I was pregnant, and subsequently I wrote about things there when I lost the baby. I re-read every post, relived it all - the hopes, which now seem so effing naive and stupid. I was talking like I was sure I would be a mum. How cruel life is. How stupid I was to get my hopes up. My enthusiasm and hope for the future back then seem almost childlike in the cold light of day after what happened.

I then fell into a giant slump. The baby died, I lived. Of course I'm going to get sad about it at times, especially now we're trying again. 'Will the same thing happen again?' my mind is screaming. Never so more than when you are full of hope are you also reminded of your fears, for in daring to fly you peer over the precipice and see how far there is to fall.

I was all ready to get up before that but I pulled the covers over my head and tried to forget.

When I did eventually get up the first three pieces of news I saw were these:

1. Firefighter killed in Manchester last night fighting a blaze.
2. Cory Monteith from Glee dies aged 31.
3. George Zimmerman found not guilty of murdering Trayvon Martin.

The first two news items are tragic in themselves, but the last item knocked me for six. Are we sanctioning murder when someone with dark skin is murdered by someone with lighter skin? In this case, it appears yes. I don't want to live in a world where a life becomes cheap and throwaway because of the colour of a person's skin. I can't get my head around it. A deep, deep sadness has fallen over me. As I said on Facebook in response to someone about this:

How much time has to pass before every damn person is equal? No matter what colour their skin is, no matter who they choose to love, no matter which name they call their God. The pathetic reasons people choose to hate others for make me sick. We all bleed the same. We're all far more alike than we are different.

I hurt for Trayvon Martin's family. How will things ever be OK for them again? This is the curse of an empath. I can't just shrug this off. I wish I could DO something. It's all very good to say society is fucked, but society is made up of millions of people just like me. Change has to start with each of us. But where to begin? Honestly, where to begin?!

So today there's no smile on my face. Crying through Marley and Me was a welcome catharsis earlier but I don't feel any better for it. I can't be bothered to do anything, not even eat. 

The speed at which one can fall into a slump in depression is scary. Feeling like this scares me. 

Tomorrow is another day.

Saturday INvisible Health Spotlight

Hiya all!

Today is the first installment of the INvisible health spotlight - stories of your health, of the health of your loved ones, children, friends and family.

The idea behind INvisible is to:

• Raise awareness of a wide range of illnesses, disabilities and medical complaints, many of which you can't tell just by looking at a person.
• Empower you to talk about your illness(es) in a place where you won't be judged.
• Reduce stigma about illness which is especially important as currently the UK Government are doing their best to paint the sick and disabled as work-shy scroungers.
• Personalise illness with names and faces. The Government wants to reduce us to one bunch of people all tarred with the same brush so it makes the public easier to hate us.
• Make the general public aware of the challenges chronically ill people face daily.
• But also show that being ill doesn't define us and we can still be interesting, vibrant people.

 TRIGGER WARNING - TALK OF BULLYING.
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This week we have RDC who wants to tell us about her partial sightedness, depression and the bullying she suffered at school.

I am partially sighted. It's awful and I have been like this since I was 3 years old. My eyesight has gradually gone from bad to worse. I wore very thick glasses in school. When they got dirty, my Grandma used to clean them for me and I'd cry because I couldn't see anything. It made her feel very sorry for me. She tried to help me clean my glasses so I'd know my eyesight was nearer me. 

Basically, the scale for eyesight is mostly -20 to +20 on the scale in opticians. I am the only person in Bexhill with the highest eyesight. And there are a lot of old people in Bexhill. 0 is considered to be the perfect vision. I'm a +10 in both eyes. It's highly difficult to get my contact lenses. I have them specially ordered in. I can only wear one type of contact lenses out of the ranges because most company only go up to a -6 or +6 prescription.

 I have to take out my "eyes" when swimming or wear really expensive goggles. I have to have a larger text on the computer to  see what I'm reading/writing. When I take out my "eyes" at night, I have to get my partner to read out the text or time when I am not wearing my glasses.
 
Not wearing anything, what I see is like looking through frosted glass. I cannot see expressions, details or patterns. There is no known problems with eyesight in my family. So how I've ended up like this is a mystery. I hate it, I cannot have laser eye surgery because 1. Mother wouldn't pay for it 2. My eyes are too inverted to be lasered. 

 Most of living like this has caused my depression. I had it throughout school because of being bullied and having no backup. My parents never believed what happened to me in school. Not even when someone stole my glasses off my face and threw them across the playground. I was 14 and devastated that people were like this to me 5-6 days a week. Even out of school, people would terrorise me at home when the parents were away working. 

 My depression got diagnosed in 2008 when I turned 18. I refused to take pills. I took counselling for 8 months but it never came through. I soon pushed everything back but every now and then, the depression would flare up again. Some days I couldn't get out of bed. 

 My depression has come back worse in 2010. My best friend was near death. I had found out my ex was cheating on me and my parents wanted nothing to do with what was happening in my life. I was living alone and felt I had nothing left. I broke down infront of my best friend the night she came back from the hospital. I felt so selfish and angry with myself for doing so. When getting like this stressed and upset causes me to get gastroenteritis. That is a stomach problem where period pains, vomiting, pooping hurt and you even have trouble moving.  I took a lot of work off this year due to being very depressed. Work were just as helpful as my parents. 

I have kept my depression and lack of eyesight to a minimum around others and family. I never talk about it on Facebook because there are idiots on there who make fun. I never mention it at work. Only my close friends know about my depression but not into so much detail as I have not told anyone. This is only scratching the surface. 

RDC, Bexhill, East Sussex

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You don't think of extreme partial-sightedness as something the young suffer from. Thanks to RDC for being the first to share with us and remind us that often the last person we'd expect to have XYZ problem does, and suffers silently with it. This is why it's so important to talk.

I would also like to say a big, hearty EFF YOU! to bullies.

Thanks for reading.

Depression Awareness month/Small accomplishments

Hiya lovelies!

October is Depression Awareness Month. I started to write a post about it a week or so ago and abandoned it because I lacked the words to articulate it sufficiently. Today I came across a post by the blogger Scrangie which says everything I wanted to say and then some. Please, if you know someone with depression and want to know more or have it yourself and lack the words to express yourself to others, go look -  Depression Awareness.

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After yesterday's post about feeling scared about my mental state because of Fibro fog, I'm pleased to say I feel better today. Today was looking like a crap day, but rather than letting myself become engulfed in it, I decided to try my best to turn it around. First, I did some yoga. I felt really tired when I started, but I decided to put all my anger about my health situation into it. I managed a really energetic workout where I kicked the effing crap out of Fibromyalgia metaphorically speaking. After that I felt pretty proud of myself and I got a lot of things done afterwards.

I managed to shave my legs, give myself a foot scrub and moisturise myself from top to toe today. These are things the average person may take for granted, but for me they're a special effort. It's unusual for me to find the energy for ONE of those tasks a week fortnight month, let alone three in a day. So there I was wrist deep in shaving foam in serious danger of cutting myself during a fit of the giggles. I knew that other disabled people would get the stupidity of the situation. It's almost as if I deserve a medal for thinking:

Whoo! I did yoga, did some personal care, packed away the spare quilts/pillows from my parents' visit, laundered the covers, cleaned some of the kitchen and bathroom, and cooked myself a healthy evening meal. Go me!

As ludicrous as it seems to feel accomplished for doing a few chores and making myself look and feel a lot less beastly than usual, I'm high-fiving myself. I'm no Felix Baumgartner, but I'll take my mercies small and when I can get them. 

Tomorrow is a new day. I'll take it as it comes. It's all we can do, isn't it?

Thanks for reading.

Almost poetically sad

There's sad and then there's beat-your-breast-whilst-reciting-Byron-sad.