Black dog version 2.0


I'm having a bit of a mental health meltdown and I'm taking a little break from social media. I'm not sure if that's going to extend to blogging or not, but if I'm not here for a couple of days you know why. My tank is running on empty.

I wrote this on Facebook the other day:

You know, sometimes depression isn't sadness, it's.....numbness, and tiredness. It's a mental and physical drain. It's trying hard to care about other people but not quite managing to follow through with it because the tank is empty. There's nothing left for you, let alone anyone else. The intention is there but the energy to care isn't, because worrying about others takes precious energy you haven't got to give. It's getting no joy from things which usually excite you and everything feels like a chore, even the basics of life like eating and self care. And of course depression is a series of ups and downs - there's no stability, and that in itself is exhausting. Getting used to feeling like a blackboard wiped clean is one thing, but then a good day comes along, which in itself is great, until the low lands even lower in comparison to that one good day when your brain actually worked properly. 

To expand upon that, depression is also like being under siege. There's no tomorrow, there's no next week, there's no next month. There's nothing but surviving today, and when people want to talk about future plans they may as well be talking about next century. It seems like the less able I am to cope the more in demand I am, but I would feel like that at times like these. It's a running joke between James and I about the never-ending series of notifications on my phone. I've uninstalled Facebook Messenger on my phone (Oh the joys of being instantly contactable 24-7!) and it's on silent for the duration. 

Then there are the emails a blogger gets, everyone wanting their pound of flesh. The endless 'offers' which benefit me in no way at all, dressed up in words a 5 year old could see through. Combined with the pestering men who treat every social media channel of mine like a dating site I feel like I'm slowly being leached of life. 

It's time to decompress, binge watch my favourite crime shows and read lots, and fill up my energy tank again. I'll be back when it's time.

Have a great week.
Leah xoxo

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