Black Dog


Most of the time my anti-depressants do a great job. Most of the time I'm so happy, but today I just can't lift the fog. Today's posts were scheduled so there's a happiness there I just don't feel today.

I was reminded of the loss of our last baby this morning when I came across my old blog from when I was pregnant, and subsequently I wrote about things there when I lost the baby. I re-read every post, relived it all - the hopes, which now seem so effing naive and stupid. I was talking like I was sure I would be a mum. How cruel life is. How stupid I was to get my hopes up. My enthusiasm and hope for the future back then seem almost childlike in the cold light of day after what happened.

I then fell into a giant slump. The baby died, I lived. Of course I'm going to get sad about it at times, especially now we're trying again. 'Will the same thing happen again?' my mind is screaming. Never so more than when you are full of hope are you also reminded of your fears, for in daring to fly you peer over the precipice and see how far there is to fall.

I was all ready to get up before that but I pulled the covers over my head and tried to forget.

When I did eventually get up the first three pieces of news I saw were these:

1. Firefighter killed in Manchester last night fighting a blaze.
2. Cory Monteith from Glee dies aged 31.
3. George Zimmerman found not guilty of murdering Trayvon Martin.

The first two news items are tragic in themselves, but the last item knocked me for six. Are we sanctioning murder when someone with dark skin is murdered by someone with lighter skin? In this case, it appears yes. I don't want to live in a world where a life becomes cheap and throwaway because of the colour of a person's skin. I can't get my head around it. A deep, deep sadness has fallen over me. As I said on Facebook in response to someone about this:

How much time has to pass before every damn person is equal? No matter what colour their skin is, no matter who they choose to love, no matter which name they call their God. The pathetic reasons people choose to hate others for make me sick. We all bleed the same. We're all far more alike than we are different.

I hurt for Trayvon Martin's family. How will things ever be OK for them again? This is the curse of an empath. I can't just shrug this off. I wish I could DO something. It's all very good to say society is fucked, but society is made up of millions of people just like me. Change has to start with each of us. But where to begin? Honestly, where to begin?!

So today there's no smile on my face. Crying through Marley and Me was a welcome catharsis earlier but I don't feel any better for it. I can't be bothered to do anything, not even eat. 

The speed at which one can fall into a slump in depression is scary. Feeling like this scares me. 

Tomorrow is another day.

No comments