Masochism and blog fatigue

Hello sweet peas.

Isn't that a lovely title for a blog?! I'm full of hormones (my cycle is like every 3 weeks now, yay uggghhhh) and I'm thinking about some stuff that I probably shouldn't put out onto the internet. I think too much, that's the trouble.

Awards and masochism

I got an email today from Navabi about entering their blog awards and got to thinking about the process of being in a competition where my blog would be judged/voted on. For me it's like volunteering to be crucified to put myself through that, and yet there's a battle going on between head and heart. It goes a little like this.

Heart - Oh, it might be nice to be in the running.
Head - Are you effing crazy? You'll never win.
Heart - With that attitude you definitely won't! It's not the winning anyway, doofus, get over yourself. It's the taking part.
Head - True. But if I enter then I'll be really unenthusiastic about asking people to vote for me as it screams WON'T YOU PLEASE LIKE ME? PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.
Heart - Why?
Head - Well, because part of me wants to be archly cool and not give a shit about awards and suchlike and whether people like me, and another part of me cares very much about whether people like this blog (and by extension me) or not. And some recognition might be nice...........
Heart - Do it then.
Head - ............but what if I enter and not a single person votes for me? I'm prickly and TMI and coarse and play the joker so much no one takes me seriously. Won't it just reinforce the 'I'm not worthy' feeling I already have?
Heart - What have you got to lose?
Head - Erm, my dignity?! It would make me as vulnerable as standing naked on a plinth in Trafalgar bloody Square!
Heart - Loser!

The thought of putting myself into a competition is kinda like being picked last for sports at school. I was ALWAYS picked last for sports, apart from in rounders once in junior school when I knocked the ball about 50 yards and everyone wanted me the next week, but alas it was a one-off. Meh. It's the mental torture all over again of 'No one's going to pick me, I just know no one's going to be pick me, please pick me, oh bugger no one's going to pick me, pick me, PICK ME, oh shit no one picked me, I hate everything and wish I hadn't bothered!'

I don't think it's that I'm a sore loser, I just think I'm so used to being 'picked last' that I have a defeatist attitude from the get-go and combined with my 'Only vote for me if you think I deserve it!' attitude VS other people's 'I'm bloomin' marvellous so if you don't vote for me you're quite clearly bananas!' appeals to people. People LIKE assured people, and deep down I'm still not one. Not completely. With my body, yes. With other stuff, not so much. So part of me thinks to enter would be akin to masochism. It'd be like choosing to torture myself.

Blog fatigue

I started my other blog and I feel so free when I write there. It's weird - again there's a fight between head and heart. One side of me LOVES the freedom of being able to write whatever the hell I like, loves having no expectations of me there, loves not having many people know about it, loves not having an email account attached to it, a Twitter, a Facebook. It's as free as the wind. I'm also incredibly grateful for this blog, the friends and opportunities it has brought me, and the readers I have. I wish I could feel as free here as I do there, and that's in my head, I know that. I feel kinda like I'm cheating on this blog with that blog! Over there there's no pressure at all. If I want to write about the mating habits of the Peruvian dinklecougher, I can do without worrying about turning people off. And I fear the other blog will end up better than this blog because this one has so many expectations attached to it. And not forgetting as this is my 'job' because of Fibromyalgia/CFS/depression I put a lot of my heart, soul and happiness into this.

Things that stress me about this blog

1. Stats, or rather the feeling that I should give a shit because it's the done thing.

2. Endless advice about how to blog and every aspect of it. It suffocates creativity. I think a lot of bloggers write for other bloggers when they should write for their READERS.

3. Posting often enough (whatever 'enough' is).

4. Getting enough outfits posted when I feel shitty so much of the time (especially now quality light is as rare as unicorn poop - that horrid grey light we get most of the time washes out outfit photos).

5. Endless emails to my blog account, 75% of which are spam and have no relevance to me at all.

6. Trying to remember to share my posts on a bajillion social media sites.

7. My feelings of inadequacy and not matching up to other plus size bloggers.
 
Here's the thing - the plus size blogging community is huge in the UK (pardon the pun!) I've made some friends for life and a lot of casual acquaintances. (I also think of my readers like extended family after all this time). I'm friends with over 100 bloggers on Facebook. I follow probably 5 times as many bloggers on Twitter. I follow bloggers on Instagram, Tumblr and Pinterest. My whole social media life is saturated with plus size bloggers, and for 3/4 of my menstrual cycle and when I'm having great mental health, this is awesome and I love it. As I said just above, this is my 'job' and thus I think about it a lot of waking hours, probably more than is healthy. Then I go to social media and it's bloggers bloggers bloggers. Most of the time this is a blessing. I don't have blog friends on social media to 'network' with, I'm friends with them as I like them as people. But it can be too much, as seeing their blogs all day on my social media feeds makes me feel like I have no break. If I worked in engineering, I wouldn't go home and spend my evening looking up everything engineering, you know? There needs to be a separation somehow.

I love seeing my fellow ladies succeed until my hormones or MH are in the gutter and then I feel the stupid urge to compare rise up within me, and it means I'm thinking 'Gotta do better, gotta do better!' And for most people, this is a healthy competitiveness. But part of my depression is holding myself up to ridiculous standards so I can self-flagellate. And I forget I'm not playing with a full deck of cards, you know - Fibro, CFS and the black dog take such a lot out of me. No matter what happens or what would happen, I would always find a reason to beat myself up for some imagined failing.

So actually this 'fun' thing is often like a hair shirt for me, and when I sit down to write a post here, I don't feel free. I feel free at the other blog because I guess it's a lifestyle blog and I haven't immersed myself in lifestyle bloggers THANK GOD and therefore I'm not endlessly comparing myself to others with every word I write.

So something has got to change, and that thing has got to be ME, or I'm going to quit this blog altogether, and that would be a shame. Even I can see that, mentally tormented as I am.

It's so exhausting being in my head. Thanks for reading my train of thought. I think the train needs to pull into the station for some essential maintenance. :D

Leah xoxo

TL;DR - hormones, meh, wibble, brain fart.

A little progress, kinda

Hello sweet peas,

I am feeling a little more mentally refreshed after a couple of days away from social media. My absence from Facebook in particular has made me realise it's the cause of much of my overwhelmed feelings.

I clicked a link to something earlier, not realising it was taking me to Facebook, and when it did I saw I had 4 messages. I could see the first line or so of each message in the overview. A couple were from concerned people, one from a bloke who's totally oblivious to everything apart from his cock, and one from someone wanting a favour from me (they wanted me to vote for something.)

I came away from Facebook because I'm sick of feeling overwhelmed and sick of feeling like I HAVE to respond/care no matter how shit I feel myself. The immediacy of Facebook messages is a troublesome one for me as I have to be mentally ready to engage with other people. That sounds bananas I know, but Fibro, CFS/ME and depression drain me so much I have to make sure I'm emotionally grounded before I can deal with other people sometimes.

I closed Facebook double quick without responding to anything as I just don't have it in me right now. I need my life temporarily free of demands upon me. Demands for my attention, demands that I care about things I have no energy to care about right now, demands demands demands. That's not to say I'm not there for my good friends - they have my phone number and can call or text me if they need me - but right now I have to be selfish and to be blunt a lot of what I experience on Facebook is just noise. If there's any beauty to be found in chronic illness or depression at all it's that sometimes you have to put yourself at the start, middle and end of your priorities and shut out anything non-essential.

My steam cup looks like a strange baby's face! :)

Right now I'm sleeping a minimum of 12 hours a day (sometimes as much as 14.) I feel as weak as a kitten. I have barely seen daylight since Friday. I have been in pyjamas or loungewear since Sunday. I haven't worn proper clothes since we went out on Saturday night, so there are no outfit photos to share. My chest infection is getting worse again and I'm coughing and sneezing so much it appears I'm getting another cold. My fridge is chock full of fruit and veg I'm not awake long enough to eat.

I'm doing better mentally than I am physically. Physically I'm wiped out. I haven't been this exhausted in years. This flu has wiped the floor with me.

I hope to have some kind of post up (other than me moaning!) in the next couple of days. I hope your week is going well.

Leah xoxo

A few things/update

Hi!

On Friday it was the first anniversary of my friend Helen's passing away. She was only 39.

Her long time partner got special permission from the people behind the Download festival to scatter Helen's ashes with some friends before the main arena opened on Friday. I knew this would be at 10am so I got up, had the same Iron Maiden beer everyone else would be drinking to toast Helen with and got out my Bagpuss bag. The significance of the Bagpuss bag is that Helen and I both had one and we took it to every gig and festival we went to together. I spent an hour reminiscing to myself, talking to Helen and having a bit of a cry, then went about my day afterwards. I'm lucky that I can 'move on', albeit with a Helen shaped hole missing from my life, but her poor partner is struggling to make his way through life without her.

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This weekend hubby and I went to London to stay with his parents and to meet our little niece, who is now 2 months old. I was slightly apprehensive about meeting her and how it would go, with this big ol 2 x ectopic pregnancy/dying to be a mum thing hanging awkwardly over my head. P (sister in law) put me straight at ease. Her and M (brother in law) came in, got their shoes off, got baby E out of the car seat and promptly handed her over so I could feed her. Of course, it was love at first sight. She's still so tiny (she was a month premature but would've been a low weight baby even if she went full term) and she's not quite 9lbs yet and so cute! Her little nails are only about 2mm wide. She's a brilliant baby. She hardly ever cries - only when she's got a poopy nappy, is hungry or wants to be held, and as soon as her needs are met she's happy again straight away. She hates being laid down and likes being held sitting up facing you so she can see you. She's smiling already and tracking things with her eyes. Like all babies she likes being bounced on your knee and she's so chilled. I think it's because M and P are so relaxed. Some people are very protective over their offspring and guard them jealously like you're going to drop the infant on its head on top of an anvil or something. M and P are like 'Right, whose turn is it for a cuddle now?!' and pass E over for some fussing. E fell asleep on my chest for a while and it was so sweet. Is there anything lovelier than watching a contented baby sleep? We didn't take any photos of her as I don't want to be up in her grill (get me!) with a camera when I could be having cuddle time. Plus her daddy takes so many photos of her and I'd prefer them to have the control over who gets to see her.

We bought E a couple of little gifts for her to grow into - 2 leggings and a pretty broderie anglaise dress.

You can't see it in the photo, but the leggings have got cute little ruffles on the bottom. I want ruffles on the bottoms of my leggings! :)

It's amazing how a baby can unite a family, even if you're already close. We all got on so well on Saturday, which is a good thing as we're all going on holiday soon - me and James, Mike, Pam, E and James's parents. We're going for a 5 days break to Dorset. Each couple has our own caravan but we'll meet up to do things each day. Hopefully the weather will be nice!

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Because we'd had a period of sunny weather followed by crappy weather I noticed how the grey days affect me. I crave white carbs so badly when the days are grey and rainy and I'm not like that on sunny days. I ate a lot of white bread last week as a consequence and now my IBS is awful. I look and feel heavily pregnant and feel really sluggish. It's just reaffirmed what I already knew - white carbs and I don't get on at all. I pushed my luck and now I'm paying the price. I'm going to keep an eye on things and do plenty of yoga in the run up to the holiday as I want to be able to keep up with everyone else. No one apart from James knows how badly my health affects me these days and if I can, I want it to remain that way. Of course it might all come back to bite me on the arse, but if I can scrape through the 5 days without the whole thing having to be embarrassingly based around my health demands that'll be just grand. I don't want to spoil anyone's fun and I certainly don't want to find myself under the microscope.

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I hope you had a great weekend. What did you get up to?

Have a great week!

TW mentions of fat, diet talk, self image & loving yourself

Hiya!

I've been writing this post over the last few days as I want to share my feelings on a subject quite dear to me, so please bear with me as I meander my way to the heart of it. Please note these are just my opinions and I'm not intent on being preachy but when I'm fired up about something I can get a bit intense. I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments, whether you agree with me or not.

TW means trigger warning, in case you don't know. This is in case anyone who is sensitive to a particular topic can avoid it, or at least go into reading about it forewarned. These type of warnings are put on posts about emotive topics, for example talk about dieting (which might affect someone with an eating disorder), self-harm (talk of cutting might bring someone out of relapse) etc. etc.

When I first started writing this blog I didn't have very many followers (I had readers who were here because they were my friends, basically) and I didn't expect to gain many followers, because at the time I was just waffling on about my life. For about the first 2 years of writing my blog I didn't use the tag feature (for people to search within my blog by certain 'tagged' subjects.) A few weeks ago I started to go through all my posts to attach the relevant tags as I was getting peed off with my own lack of organisation. As I did so, I started to read back on my posts and was really shocked at the way I used to talk about myself a couple of years ago.

To zoom forward before we go back again, I've been on Tumblr for about 18 months now, but only seriously for about the last 10-11 months. There is a really great fat community on there, full of really inspiring people who inform, educate and uplift. Since being on Tumblr, I've started to think of myself in a totally different light.

Some of the things I used to say about myself in my blog and in my photo captions were really horrible. I've always had a self-deprecating sense of humour, and I've always taken the piss out of myself pretty mercilessly. I once saw someone on Tumblr say that we don't know who might be reading our blogs, so we can't just put anything out there about ourselves and not expect it to have repercussions on the people who read it. A light bulb went on. If I say horrible things about my double chins for example, how does that make someone feel reading who also has double chins?! So, as I read back the things I'd written about myself in the past while I was adding tags, I changed a little bit inside. Any time I spotted anything horrible I'd written about myself, I deleted it. If a whole blog was about dieting or wanting to lose weight (more on this further on) I reverted it to a draft so no one has to see that, as at that time I wasn't wanting to do it for the right reasons. I wanted to be smaller. I didn't want to be healthy. I wasn't being kind to myself, and I think you have to think kindly of yourself before you embark on a lifestyle change. You have to love yourself to begin with so you can give yourself the best care.

Incidentally, on the subject of my chins, they've been one of the hardest things for me to accept on myself, until I found a photo of myself from when I was 17 and emaciated. Guess what?! I HAD A DOUBLE CHIN WHEN I WAS SO SKINNY MY BONES HURT. They're a part of ME. Fat or thin, I'm just someone with a lot of chin. Now, I'm a lot less down on my chins. And damn, they're so soft. They make velvet feel like sandpaper. Ha! So, yep, I love them now and am letting a lot more pics of them creep into my posts, apart from when I do a tilt-head-back thing when I laugh, because I'm not all the way there yet with this self love thing. It's a process, it's a journey, and it goes backwards and forwards. I love myself some days more than others. We all do.

So, what are my feelings on dieting now? 

Dieting: Restrict oneself to small amounts or special kinds of food in order to lose weight. [From Google search definition.]


RESTRICT. Interesting choice of word.

Well, I've binned the word 'diet'. It now offends me as a concept. It instils the belief in people that for a short time of suffering or restriction you can have long term results. I think the entire thought process behind 'dieting' is harmful. It's not usually about being kind to yourself, it's usually about losing weight as quickly as possible no matter what damage it does to your body. Let me make it clear - changing your body or wanting to change your body is not a bad thing. Being realistic about how you're going to get there and how you are going to take care of yourself in the process is key. To me, dieting isn't realistic and doesn't scream 'I'm taking care of myself'. Dieting is about restriction, punishment, whereas eating well and exercising moderately are about taking great care of yourself. Giving yourself something, not taking it away.

Dieting is about telling you a thin body is better than a fat body no matter what you do to get there. That is SO effed up.


Obviously there are some plans which are healthier than others, ones which encourage moderate exercise and eating lots of fruit, veg, lean meats, fish and good fats. Then there are meal replacement shakes, meal replacement bars and other such plans where all good sense goes out of the window. I've been there. Doing one meal replacement snack bar diet as a teenager, I was so hungry I had to crawl downstairs on my hands and knees in the middle of the night to eat a slice of bread as I was in so much pain I couldn't actually stand up. Doing the milkshake meal replacement diet was equally as disastrous. Starving yourself and depriving yourself of vital nutrients isn't going to make for sustainable weight loss. Of course it isn't, that's the point! If you 'fail' they want you to think it's because you're greedy and useless, not that their product is designed to make you yo-yo in a cycle of self-loathing, coming back time and time again to give them money. BILLIONS of pounds are made every year off the back of the suffering and shame of people who want to be something other than what they are now. Compound that with a media who want everyone to hate themselves (as that keeps you miserable and spending) ESPECIALLY if you're 'fat' (i.e. anything over a size 12) and female, then it's no wonder it's so hard to think positively about ourselves.

It's about encouraging you to self-loathe, which is an effed up place where only the diet companies win. You can't possibly succeed from a place where you're told you're disgusting at every turn. Dieting is not about health. It's about money and control. It's about making you believe only slim people deserve good things in life. It's about putting the idea into your head that the moment you hit goal weight the sky will fill up with glitter and puppies and it'll rain down on you, and the man who comes to your rescue from all the slobbering puppies will be the ONE. Puhlease. When people lose a couple of stones and say 'I was a beast before!' it makes me sad, but we're all encouraged to do it. It's so insidious, and I was just the same as anyone, before Tumblr.

If you want to lose weight, great, amazing, good luck to you, just don't fall prey to the temptation to slate your 'before' off. You're still you, whatever you weigh. You're still deserving of love and respect. In fact, I think if you realise your worth before you embark on a fitness goal, you'll probably do better, but that's just my 2 cents. I love how Dawn French said after she lost loads of weight that she thought she looked great before and she thinks she still looks great now. I like that attitude. I think it's healthy. I base my self-worth on a lot more than the way I look, which I think is healthy, too. I base it on knowing I'm funny, caring, reasonably smart, and fun to be around. I base it on my constant quest to learn more about life and myself and on trying to become a better person inside (and gawd knows I need the help!) I base it on the great group of people I have around me - my husband, my family and friends who are all so awesome that I must be pretty damn awesome too ;) Too much credence is given to looks in society, which is really sad. I feel strongly the focus should be on health. This is crucial to me and I think there's a difference between going on a diet to LOOK better, and living a healthy lifestyle to FEEL better.

I have to say in the spirit of disclosure I am trying to live a healthier lifestyle. Lifestyle. I'm not starving myself. If I want to have a pizza, I'll have a pizza. If I want to eat my bodyweight in salad, I will. The key is to make my choices free enough that it doesn't feel like I'm punishing myself. I'm not accountable to some cult-esque diet guru once a week. I'm accountable to me. I'm eating well (lots of fruit and veg, lean meats, fish, good oils, trying to eat organic where possible) and doing yoga as often as I feel able (4 times this week.) Shrinkage might come as a result, but my 'goal' comprises of  keeping my health markers where they are now - great blood pressure, low 'bad' cholesterol, etc. and feeling great. Also, I make no bones about the fact that I want to be a mum. I'm getting older - I'm 38 - so my chances of conceiving are getting slimmer by the day, pardon the pun. Also, Fibromyalgia is likely to be slightly exacerbated by the extra weight on my joints. I'm realistic. I don't expect to be skipping through a sunny meadow every day if I lose a bit of weight. I don't expect Jason Momoa to declare his undying love if I drop a clothes size or three - although that'd be nice, but we might need a bigger bed to squeeze him in ;) I'll still have Fibro, CFS and all their little buddies. I'm not deluded enough to think life will suddenly become perfect, but if my changes are enough for me to get pregnant then great. It took me years to get where I am today, and I'm all about the slow burn in reverse. I don't actually know what my destination is, other than it's a point where I feel great. It's not a clothes size, it's not a weight. If I don't lose any weight but have great health markers and am healthy from eating loads of healthy food and doing regular exercise, then that's fine too. Doctors love to ram horror stories down our necks to keep us compliant little lambs, but many fat people live a long life free of illness and disease.

I will not be a better person if I lose weight.
I will not be liked or loved more BY ANYONE WHO MATTERS if I lose weight.
I will not be a failure if I don't lose weight.
I will still be me, whatever happens, and I am worthy of love and all good things.
So are you, whatever you weigh and whatever you look like.
Think kindly of yourself, you deserve it.

In my next personal blog, I will talk about self-care and the things that make me feel good about myself.

Thanks for reading!

TL;DR. Restrictive dieting=bad, taking wonderful care of yourself=good.