Searching for meaning in 2017

I've been a bit quiet and contemplative in the last week or so as I've been trying to work out what it is I want from this year, and how to work towards it. Sometimes it's easier to work out what we don't want and use that to shape our aims.

Some words on trauma and using defence mechanisms to keep people away

*Trigger warning - violence, animal abuse and a brief mention of attempted sexual assault*

This isn't the blog post I started to write. Take this as you will - a woe is me if you're cynical, or someone sharing a hard time in their life in case it resonates with someone else who has lived through trauma and built walls to keep it in.

Blogging with chronic illness

Hiya pickles! Today I want to talk about blogging when you have a debilitating illness. Most of the time when I write I edit what I say a zillion times before I post it but I don't have the energy for self-editing today so this might be a bit ugly.

Blogging has challenges for all of us in different ways. We all have other things going on in our lives apart from our blogs - be it jobs, children to look after, or in my case health challenges, which is what I'm going to talk about today. (I have Fibromyalgia, CFS/ME and depression, for any people new to me. Hi!)

I'm a Type A person, which is probably why I got so ill in the first place. I hold myself up to ridiculous standards (way above what I'd expect of anyone else) and this means I spend a lot of my time beating myself up for all the things I want to do with my blog but can't, and realisations I know to be true about my blog/myself.

I don't look really polished in my blog photos. I spend about half of every day in bed asleep or trying to be, so when I am up, I don't have a huge amount of time to do my make up or make myself look pretty. After taking care of myself, the flat and my adorable-but-lazy husband everything is rushed. Hair, make up, the whole shebang. Rushed, rushed, rushed. I look at some people who look like a Hollywood bombshell in every photo and feel like a sack of microwaved shite with my bedraggled hair, creased up clothes and palpable lack of energy.

This means some brands don't want to work with me as a blogger. The way I see it there are two types of bloggers - aspirational and inspirational. The aspirational ones make you look at their gorgeous selves/clothes/make up/lives and make you want to buy everything they wear. They don't tend to talk about their lives too much, professionally keeping it to the business of looking beautiful and giving the illusion of living a fairy tale. I can see why brands have their favourite bloggers from this group. Who needs reality when the dream sells? That's how it works. 

Then there's me, who looks like mangled afterbirth more days than not but has a go anyway. I'm not at all up myself so I don't want to describe myself as inspirational, but I fall into the camp where YES I WILL share all the sad, weird, ugly crap going on in my life and stand here in front of a camera knowing it's not my best, but it's the best I can do TODAY. You know, it's not at all pretty, but it is real.

There are some companies I've supported for years, endlessly buying their clothes, but I'm not their cup of tea. I used to try to reach out to these companies when I wore their clothes to let them know, but I'm over it now because it doesn't work like that. I had it all wrong. It doesn't matter if you've been a loyal customer since day one, they don't care if you've never bought an item of theirs in your life. You look good in it, you'll do, and 'good' means below a size 26 and in your 20s, by the way. Ooh, bitchy. Saucer of milk for me, then. ;)

I have way more ideas than energy. I have ideas up the wazoo. I never have a shortage of ideas for posts, in fact I'm swimming in them. What I do have is a distinct lack of energy to write and photograph these posts, so they go into the huge backlog of Things To Beat Myself Up About. That list is miles long.

I'm not consistent. Because I never know how I'm going to feel on any given day it's very hard to keep to a regular posting schedule. Sometimes I can whack out 3-4 posts a day and schedule them away merrily, and other times I'm lucky if I look at my blog 3 times a week.

I always want to do more. I always want to do more, be more, be able to go to more events and suchlike, but my head forgets the crap my body goes through on a daily basis when I make such comparisons. To use a metaphor if blogging is a big swimming race, I've got wrist and ankle weights on. Other people are always going to get to the other side quicker than me, but at least I'm still in the race.

Do you ever feel like something is holding you or your blog back?

Thanks for listening.

Catch ups and calamities

Hello lovelies!

Long time no speak, or at least it feels that way for me.

Last weekend James and I headed off to beautiful Bury, near Manchester to see one of my long time friends get married. I've known R since 1999 and we've been through some ups and downs in that time but have come out the other side laughing. R met a truly wonderful man a few years ago and I was as pleased as punch as she deserves to be treated like a queen. For me one of the happiest things about having dear friends is seeing them with people who treat them with love and respect. R's partner M slotted right into our little friendship group like he'd always been there and it was such an honour to see them get hitched.

We had 4 lovely days with good friends, good food and good alcohol. :)

I'll do a more in-depth post about the wedding weekend later on as there are oodles of photos, this is a general catch up of the last week.

On Sunday evening I started to feel ill but put it down to the stress and strain of long car journeys and too much of a good time. We drove home overnight - arriving back in the small hours of Monday - and hit the hay as four members of my family (my dad, cousin, aunt and uncle) were coming to stay on Monday afternoon.

I felt rough on Monday, but no more than I would normally after a busy weekend involving lots of travel and activities (taking Fibromyalgia and CFS/ME into account) so I ploughed into having fun with my family and tried not to focus on my health. On Wednesday I woke up feeling absolutely awful. My throat was raw, I could barely talk, and I was having wicked hot & cold spells and muscle aches so my cousin came with me to the doctors. The doc put me on antibiotics for my throat infection and I came home to bed where I stayed for most of the day.

I woke up on Thursday and felt a LOT better than Wednesday so decided I would go along with the plan we'd made earlier in the week to go to the beach. I figured the sun, sea air and a little swim in the sea would do me some good. Hahahaha.

My cousin and I went in the water soon after arriving (my aunt thought better of it as the water was so cold). My cousin said "1-2-3- let's dip ourselves" and at the count of three I crouched to dunk myself up to the neck so I'd feel the same temperature all over. As I did a great big wave slapped into me and knocked me off my feet onto my knees, so the water was over my mouth and nose. Before I could recover another wave knocked me sideways, then another onto my back. I couldn't get up as the waves were coming in so hard. I couldn't float or swim as the waves were so fierce. I had water in my nose and mouth and I couldn't breathe. It probably only took about 15 seconds before my dad jumped in to help me up, but it felt like a lifetime. I had a panic attack. I came out bleeding from wounds on my knees and my left thigh but laughed it off once I could breathe again. It wasn't until I woke up on Friday and looked at the state of myself that I realised what a lucky escape I'd had. My fingertips are lacerated from flailing my arms about on the pebbles trying to push myself off the sea bed. My left thigh is a maze of cuts and bruises. My knees are both cut, bruised and swollen. My feet are swollen and covered in broken blood vessels from the stones I was being battered against as I tried to get up. I ache everywhere.

Back of knee/thigh - shin - thigh - foot

Then I got sunburnt on the beach as I forgot my golden rule of no sun before 3pm! (I get up much earlier when we have guests and I forgot the sun was at its strongest when we were there.) I had a maxi dress and denim shirt on most of the time but still managed to burn my back, left arm and right foot pretty badly. You could not make this up! My life recently is one big circus.

Despite everything else going on - the broken toe, the cold/flu or whatever it is, the throat infection, the cuts and bruises - the sunburn on my foot is the most painful of the lot! It looks like nothing but it's so swollen and tight I can barely walk on it. I've never had a sunburned foot before so didn't realise burned skin plus the pressure of walking on it = total chuffin' ouchfest.

I missed the first day of my OWN challenge Outfit August yesterday, which is just hilarious! I hope to get some clothes on my sore bits later today and hobble in front of a camera. I have oodles of posts planned and assuming I've used up this months' quota of bad luck (and then some!) I hope to be back on form again soon & posting every day from now on. I also have over 1200 blogs to read in Bloglovin, as I haven't read any in about a week. Eep! That'll keep me out of mischief - and hopefully out of harms' way too!

What have I missed? What's new with you?

Thanks for reading!
Leah xoxo

My Biggest Regret

Hello dears,

I've been struggling with whether or not to talk about this for a few days now, and have decided I will, even though it's very personal. There's only so long I can avoid spilling out my feelings, so it's time to attack it head on before it festers.

I've mentioned flippantly a couple of times recently about James having a vasectomy. We had the consultation on Monday, and his procedure is in less than 2 weeks.

When he and I met 11 years ago neither of us wanted kids. Then 3 months in I got pregnant despite using 2 forms of birth control and I had my first ectopic pregnancy. It was such a shock - being pregnant at all, losing the baby before I knew it and the horror of being chucked out of hospital 3 days later with a couple of leaflets to 'inform' me. It put me off the thought of having kids. In fact I was terribly scarred by it all and probably should have had therapy, but instead I ate my feelings. 

For many years James and I were happy to be childless. It only started to change in about 2009-10 when I was really late for my period and I thought I might be pregnant. That got us thinking, and we started trying for a baby. 2 days after Christmas 2010 I found out I was pregnant again. It all seemed pretty effortless really. I was on top of the world, and never really entertained the idea of having another ectopic pregnancy. Of course, it was another ectopic pregnancy and I nearly lost my life when my fallopian tube ruptured in hospital after 12 hours of tests and monitoring. Dems the breaks.

It was a horrific ordeal for me - losing a much wanted baby, losing a fallopian tube, losing so much blood and feeling so bloody ill, having a huge scar and a 3 month recovery period, yadda yadda. I was the one going through it, and it's always easier to DO something yourself rather than watch someone else go through it. 

All my family are 90 minutes drive away and I'd been telling James to call my family from the hospital for hours but he didn't get the seriousness of the situation until I passed out from acute blood loss, and then I was immediately rushed into theatre. For most of the time I was in theatre James was on his own while everyone travelled, contemplating a future without me. My family only got there shortly before the operation was over. All this time James was alone with his thoughts and was certain I was going to die. I can't imagine what kind of effect this had on him, but I think it has a direct bearing on his feelings about us having children.

After I started to heal my GP told me how long I had to wait before we could try again, and the hospital ward I had been on told me to come down for a scan as soon as I found out I was pregnant again as early treatment of ectopic pregnancies is so important. We did start trying again, and I was so caught up with that (and our upcoming wedding) that I didn't realise that James's heart wasn't totally in it. Sometimes you want something so bad you don't actually stop and ask if the other person feels the same way, you just assume, and James got carried along in my enthusiasm and thought he'd 'come round' to the idea of parenthood.

One day, in a rare moment of clarity and frustrated at the lack of commitment coming from James I made a statement more than a question: "You're not willing to make any time in your life for a child, are you?!" And he answered me honestly: "No, I'm not." This prompted the most honest conversation we'd had in a long time.


Our friends M & T have committed to a child-free life, and after talking with them we floated the idea of James having a vasectomy. Since James had been able to speak more freely about the child situation, he told me that he doesn't like kids at all and doesn't want kids. Having seen him handle our niece (who is bloody adorable), it shows. He holds a baby like he's holding a hot potato - he can't wait to put it down. He has no paternal urges at all; in fact if something doesn't come with a USB port he's not really interested.

Recently we've been talking about the kid situation again, and because of my age, my health and the high risk of having another ectopic pregnancy (and possibility of stiffing it) we came to the decision that a vasectomy was probably the right move, since it's far easier to sterilise a man than a woman. My head knows it's probably for the best, but my heart tells me something else. 

When we were at the clinic on Monday there was a couple there with a newborn, and the baby was crying a lot. James was probably sitting there thinking 'I'm here because I never want that!' and I was thinking 'I just want to hold him!' It made me realise how poles apart we are, and when at the end of the appointment we were given a date for 2 weeks later it really brought home the finality of me never being a mum. That's why this post is called My Biggest Regret. I will always regret not being maternal earlier, I'll regret having ectopic pregnancies, and I'll regret not making a priority of stating my case re: kids when I first met James. 

But it's not that easy is it? What people want change, and it can change all the time. It has with my feelings about kids. James has even expressed doubts that he's doing the right thing. Whether or not to have kids is probably THE biggest decision anyone will ever make. Although the decision might be right for us now, in 5 years time it might not be, and it'll be too bloody late then. 

I choose the man I love over the hopes of motherhood, knowing in my head it's the right decision for us. But I'm not happy about it. Not at all. You know, my head tells me we can have a rich and full life without kids, and have more disposable income, travel on a whim and look after our parents when they need us, but my heart still sings me a sad song.

Sometimes, just sometimes, life is a bitch.

Hugs to anyone out there doing life tough for any reason. 

Thanks for reading.
Leah xoxo

On spending and addiction

Hi lovelies,

I have a bit of a reflective post today, which I've broken up with silly gifs so you don't feel too much sewious.

Source

I've written before about my love of shopping, but in the past I felt I could control it somewhat. I've been kidding myself - I'm totally out of control. When the postman comes I have 5 seconds of excitement about the new things which came, and then I'm totally disgusted with myself.

Something needs to change. I'm powerless over my urges.

Source

We live in a consumerist society, and blogging is often extremely materialistic. I'm surrounded by temptation everywhere I look, and my poor impulse control means I go for it and worry about the consequences later, even though I know I'll regret it. The flat is chock-a-block with my clothes, shoes, bags and make up. Blogging was always supposed to be about sharing the things I bought and showing myself using/wearing them, but the rate of my spending has become so ridiculous I have no hope in hell of blogging about everything.

Source

I don't get to enjoy much of what I buy as I'm so guilty about it. Often I THINK I want something more than I actually do. I have enough lotions and potions around the house to sink a battle ship. I have enough make up and nail polish to last me 20 years. The only thing I buy which I actually get any real use out of is clothes. That helps me narrow it down a bit - I don't need any more toiletries (other than things I will run out of, like deodorant/toothpaste etc), nor make up or nail polish. Will it stop me wanting more? Hell no.

Source

I've often wondered why I am the way I am, and I have a few theories which I mentioned in another post about spending here. Since that post I've noted my trigger time for spending - it's late at night. I stay up later than my husband and that's usually when I do my naughty spends. If I go to bed at the same time as hubby I'll have less opportunity to spend.

Although it's always good to be self aware and to try to deal with the root cause of a problem, I think that looking for reasons to explain it away can be a maze to get lost in. I don't want to go round and round looking for the why when I could be taking direct action.

So, what's the plan?

Get my husband to change my PayPal password so I can't use it for quick spends any more. ✓
Use his PayPal account so I can be accountable to him - this (hopefully) should make me spend less.
Keep a strict spending diary so I can see (and be disgusted by) what I spend.
Fall in love with the things I already have - root through my wardrobes and drawers, dig out some unloved make up and nail polish.
Wish more and spend less - every time I get an urge to buy something add it to a weekly wishlist.

The thing that makes it even worse is my hubby is so accommodating. It was my idea to change my PayPal password and he didn't want to do it but I insisted. He knows buying things cheers me up and he likes me to look and feel good. He doesn't want me to stop spending, but he does want me to ramp it back to sensible levels. When we decided we weren't going to have kids (which was mainly because of his feelings about the matter) there was an acknowledgement that my 'pay off' for not being a mum would be a certain amount of materialistic crap to help fill the gap. 

Source

My trouble has always been knowing when enough is enough. Wish me luck in sorting my spending habits out!

Have you ever felt like your spending is out of control? If so, what did you do about it?

My year Jan-June

Hello lovelies!

It's been quite a year for me personally and on the blog. Time flies so fast and I always like to take stock with an end of year post (or two in this case, lest it be too much to digest at once.)

January

Sunset/face/first Illamasqua purchases/sunset at the beach/first OPI purchases/snow/dot mani/daffodils.

In January we had a quiet month. We bought a double bed and mattress with hubby's Christmas bonus and put it up in the spare room (alongside hubs' drum kit!) so out guests can stay in comfort. It snowed lightly and we froze our arses off on a walk along the sea front - something we try to do at least once a month. We went for a pub lunch with our friends Rach and JP, ever aware that they were moving to Canada in a few months.

February

Us at the beach/Rye Harbour/sunset/train tracks next to the beach/hubby's toe/I started documenting outfits on Instagram/mani/hat weather.

In February we were waiting for the year to bestow the goodies this year would hold. We had another freezing walk along the sea front, as well as a chilly visit to Rye Harbour. There were a lot of lovely sunsets to take in whilst we were bundled up indoors. Hubby had his big toe removed as it was ingrown and spent 2 weeks recuperating. I was his overworked nurse.

March

Girlies at Annette's birthday do/sunset/JP's birthday/cat fiddling/snow/me & C/yummy BBQ restaurant eats/new phone.

March was a better month. I got my new phone, a HTC One. It snowed again, but it wasn't too bad - I think the Mr only had one snow day. I plucked up the courage to have an undercut (I'd previously thought I was too old and too fat for one) and was so glad I did, as I rock it. We went to Kent and had a family meal at the Harvester. We had a birthday party for out friend JP at our house, and went to Hampshire to celebrate our friend Annette's 50th birthday, which was much fun. We took out a giant inflatable penis with us and I was the only bugger brave enough to carry the thing, but it made me a lot of friends on the night! ;)

April

Camber Sands/anniversary flowers/renewing my love for red lippie/hub on the beach/mani/me & C/Eastbourne Pier/mum at Camber/me on my birthday.

April is my birthday month and it was also our first wedding anniversary. The day before my birthday we went to Eastbourne with Rach and JP and went to Primark so I could have a spend up and went to the pier. On my actual birthday we went to Pett Level beach with it's Jurassic Park-style scenery then had lunch in our favourite fish & chip restaurant there. We went to Kent and there was a family meal for my birthday. We went to explore Robertsbridge, which is lovely. My mum and step dad came down to stay and we went to Camber Sands. We also went to London, so it was a full month.

May

At Rach & JP's leaving party with Rach/by the beach at St Leonards/ditto/JP with a fetching kimono/the tide changes the colour of the sea/new bedding/fierce eyeliner/mani.

May was a sad month as Rach and JP left for Canada. Before they did we had a goodbye lunch at the local all you can eat Oriental buffet, and they had a great leaving party at which the Mr drank so much he vomited 8 times when we got home. I was thrilled, of course, watching him all night to make sure he didn't choke in his sleep. We had a couple of walks along the sea front and I did some fake tan which was way too dark for me - so much so the Mr laughed at me! ;) We went to Kent and had another family meal.

June

In Leeds/sunset/BHC goodies/hotel the night before our holiday/mani/my dad on his visit to us, me & C, the beach/me at the beach.

June was another busy month. I started CBT for anxiety and depression. We revisited Pett Level beach on a warmer day so we could hang around longer. I heard of Black Heart Creatives, which would soon be my new obsession. It was the anniversary of my friend Helen's death, which was very sad. We went to the fat clothes swap in Leeds and met Lisa (My Big Fat Blog), Rachel (A Dress is for Life), Rebs (Sullen Hearts), Lolly (Lolly Likes Fashion), Steph (Seeing Spots), Beth (Beth Tinkerbell), Becky (Mrs Bebe), Gemma (Pink Gemma Plus) and many others for the first time. We lost our Nandos virginity with Rachel and her lovely hubby Brett. We also went to Kent again and had another family meal - a tradition started this year which will hopefully go on for years to come. We went on holiday to Dorset with the Mr's parents, my brother & sister in law and baby E.

Part 2 will be up tomorrow. The year got even better as it went on with some great opportunities coming my way as the blog picked up steam - and it's all thanks to you, my readers.

If you're doing one of these posts feel free to link me, I LOVE reading them!

Thanks for reading!

My Christmas

Hiya lovelies,

I hope you had a lovely Christmas (if you celebrate it.) I had a good one - we've certainly been busy!

Our Christmas, like many others in the UK, started off wetly. We had a horrible scary journey to visit our families. We encountered an accident which closed a major road resulting in a major detour virtually as soon as we left home, then we came across a flooded road, then a telegraph pole which was swinging in the wind, and finally a raging torrent. I'm so glad it was day time or else it would've been absolutely terrifying.

The first flooded road we came across wasn't too bad as we could drive through it quickly. The second flooded road was one which normally sits in a dip between two fields which both have gentle winding streams. Because of the recent downpours the streams were now massive lakes with no grass to be seen anywhere and the road was under at least 2 feet of water. All the cars going through in front of us were 4x4s, and then there was us in our small Toyota. As we got to the lowest point in the road the wake of the water was nearly as high as our windows and I was seriously shitting it. My husband is a nutjob. The force of the water ripped our front number plate off! 

1. Flood on A21
2. Wobbly telegraph pole
3. Flood near Bodiam Castle
4. And again - I think the water is brown from me cacking it!

1. Why am I yellow?!
2. Christmas dinner
3. My mum
4. Classy Christmas - Lambrini with lunch

1. My hubby and my brother
2. Me looking shagged after 4 hours sleep
3. My aunt, the cook
4. In the Christmas spirit

1. Pretty onyx earrings from the ma and pa in law
2. Hubs in a gift bag
3. Canary Wharf in the clouds
4. Pretty Christmas trees

On Christmas Eve we went to Kent to see my mum's side of the family, with a quick stop off with my dad's side of the family to drop off the presents. We had Christmas Day lunch at my aunt's house, then went to London to see hub's parents. After an hour or so we headed off to his grandad's house, where all the family gather on Christmas night. There were about 30+ people there, which was down on last year's numbers, thankfully - it gets stiflingly hot and crowded as it is. My brother- and sister-in-law brought the baby, who's now 8 months old and as cute as a button. I was blowing raspberries on her cheeks, which she loved. I also sang to her ('All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth') and she was kicking her legs in time. Poor babe must be tone deaf! ;)

On Boxing Day we went to the cinema to see The Desolation of Smaug again. It's even better the second time around. Yesterday we spent the day with my mum and step dad as it was my mum's birthday. We spent the day going around the shops before going to see an aunt and uncle for a chat and a cuppa, then going to see another aunt and uncle for a Chinese takeaway.

I had a really good night's sleep on Christmas night after consuming copious amounts of vodka, but other than that sweet respite I've felt as rough as a porcupine's arse. I've been weak, shaky, nauseous and my legs were so tremulous at one point I thought the ground was shaking underneath me. I'll be going to see the doctor as soon as I can drag butt there.

It's been lovely to see everyone but I've been a bit detached as I've felt so poorly.

Christmas run down
Rows witnessed: 1
Floods: 2
Sprouts eaten: 24
Bacon sarnies: 2
Alcoholic beverages: 9
Family members seen: 50+
Swear words deployed: 327 (at least 290 during flood crossing #2.)
Vol au vents scoffed: 5

How was your crimbo?

Thanks for reading.

Recent make up and nails, and a health update

Hiya pickles!

I thought I'd post a recent make up and nail look I did in the absence of other things. Again, my skin isn't Photoshopped (I don't even have Photoshop, I use Corel Paint Shop Pro - ha) it's a mixture of camera flash, ELF HD powder and my new regime.

I used colours from the Sleek Au Naturelle palette on my eyes, a Fashionista brow kit and foundation and a £1 red MUA lipstick, which is a pinky red which photographs more pink.

The nails are two ELF shades, a pearly colour called Moonlight, and a sparkly one called Twinkle. I used one coat of Moonlight and about 4 of Twinkle. Neither colour is still available as ELF have reformulated their nail polishes, but you could easily do something like this at home with a nude polish and a sparkle top coat. I think of this as sparkles on snow.

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I've been feeling really ill recently, much more so than usual. Regular readers will know I've been struggling with insomnia for a couple of months, but I've been on the slide since June. I'm sleeping more hours now, in fits and starts. I can go to sleep any time from 11pm to 8 am but I don't sleep through - I wake up a few times and can't get back to sleep for an hour or two each time. Depending on how long the periods of wakefulness are and how often I wake, I can still be in bed after sundown some days. On a rare day when I'm up in daylight, I forgo all else and take photos for the blog. Because my sleep is so broken and unfulfilled I need a nap every evening, so I spend a huge amount of time every day laying down. I've lost my appetite almost entirely and am forcing down one meal and a snack every day to keep myself going. I'm pretty sure I'm malnourished (oh the irony - a fat malnourished person!) as I've had deep splits in the corners of my mouth for about 6 weeks now. The thought of food actually makes me feel sick most of the time and I've become so weak. My asthma has got much worse and even bending over knocks the wind out of me. I feel like the life is slowly draining out of me and the stress of getting everything ready for Christmas isn't helping.

I usually love Christmas, but this year it's too much. I've cut back on posts because I have no energy, although I do have a few Christmas outfits to share. Christmas is a time where we dart about here, there and everywhere to see as many people as possible, but I fear I'm going to be spending most of my time asleep. Is this it for me? Has the CFS/ME got worse? Is this my new reality? I hope not. I'm scared. I'm struggling. I'm worried I might soon need a carer or a cleaner - I can't do it all any more. I haven't discussed this possibility with my husband but there's a very real fear I've crossed the line into needing care, and I don't know if I should be fighting this with every fibre of my being in the hope I can make myself stronger, or give in. There's so much loss with chronic illness, and right now I've lost the ability to look after myself and my home. I feel so sad right now, but am hoping for better days.

Thanks for listening.

Emptying the trash can of my mind

Howdy!

I have some stuff and things I want to say, although I don't know what they are yet. It'll come as I write.

Firstly (I know this part, aha!) I want to do a giveaway or two as I have some things (jewellery, nail polish, scarves etc) I've been buying for it, but I REALLY don't want a non-reader to win. I appreciate the support you give me and want to do something to give thanks for that. I've only ever done one giveaway so far and the person who won commented on my blog for the first and last time when they commented on the giveaway post. They were not an existing reader. I know a lot of people do giveaways as they want to gain more followers, but followers for the sake of followers doesn't interest me one jot. I want readers who sign up to read what I have to say - that's it. With so many professional compers about these days there's a good chance a giveaway open to all will attract more competition hounds than readers and the prize might not go to a person I want to thank, which will defeat the object. 

So, I'm floating the idea of running a kinda secret giveaway for my existing readers, and I have a couple of thoughts about the mechanics of doing this (which I won't share yet but it will involve you doing precisely SOD ALL.) The likely upshot is I will pick winners at random by putting names in a hat or using a random number generator and then ask for your address, at which point I'll say 'Surprise free shit!' It'll be UK only as I want to get things posted before Xmas, although I hope to do another international giveaway at some point in the future. So there's that.

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I also want to talk about valuing yourselves, and I'm talking to myself as much as anyone else here. I'm not sure why it is, but sometimes when you're a bit humble isn't the word....modest, I guess, people see that as weakness and underestimate or devalue you, or you're so insignificant to them you don't even appear on their radar. My mum always likes to talk about a Bible saying about people 'who hide their light under a bushel'. Over the years I've been underestimated sometimes, taken for a soft touch even, in which case I've had to give out a fierce attitude adjustment. As I've grown older (wiser?) I've started to realise that the universe treats you how you treat yourself. Now that was an eye-opener.

Any modesty about myself or my blog is genuine, but this belies the fact that I'm incredibly proud of this blog, and of you. Thus, going forth I'll be doing myself and you a disservice if I continue this 'I'm not worthy!' routine. Now us Brits are the worst at being self assured and confident. The absolute pits. We SUCK at it. We hate braggarts. We usually err on the side of caution/modesty instead of the brash confidence that many nationalities excel at lest we come over as being a bit of a twat. There's a very fine line between confidence and arrogance, and I think us Brits stay on the humble side out of habit rather than being thought of as a giant cunny.

Sooooo, I'm going forth (tentatively) with a new sass. I rock, you most certainly rock, and the interaction we have here fucking rocks like a boulder in a giant fortified centrifuge. That's a lot of rock. So, in this spirit of NOT hiding your lights under bushels, tell me in the comments something that you fucking rock at.

I'll tell you something that rocks - the amount of comments going on on this humble (ha, just testing to see if you're awake) blog compared to the number of readers here. Our readers/comments ratio is higher than a kid on Spring Break. WE ROCK THIS COMMUNICATION THING. We're all over this interaction shiznit like glasses on nerds. We EXCEL at this talking thang.

Go forth and tell me something you EXCEL at. No modesty. Ongoing, I will try to remain confident about this thing we got going on* without being an arrogant prat, if you promise to pull me up when I'm doing my 'I'm not worthy' guff.

Thanks for reading.

*random song insertion, just because.

10 thing I love about my (adopted) home town

Hiya!

I love living where I do so much. Here's why!

1. Being by the sea is awesome.

Before I lived near the sea, I longed for it. I don't actually go down to the beach that often, but just knowing it's there is a constant comfort.

2. Having a large arty/alternative community is great. In the town of my birth, people can be quite twatty at times. It'd be a rare day when I didn't get a fat-related insult. However because everyone is so arty and alternative down here, there are some wild sights. There are more interesting things than a fat girl going about her business so I can go to town and back without getting shitty comments and sniggers almost all of the time.

3. Having lovely places like Winchelsea and Rye half an hour away by car is a tonic. Our favourite chippy is in Rye. Yum.

4. Having this view from my living room makes me so happy. It's a massive boost to my well being. 

 5. Only having to drive for a short while to be in glorious countryside.....can't beat it!

6. For lots of lovely parks nearby to explore.

7. For being able to experience the change of seasons in such a lovely place.

8. Having lots of lovely churches and cemeteries to explore nearby makes me happy.

9. I love living in a place where my friends and family enjoy coming to visit.

10. I love living where I do, but am grateful for living close enough to both mine and hubby's family so we can visit often.

What do you love best about your home town, adopted or otherwise?

Thanks for reading.

What we did on holiday part 1

Hiya!

Hubby and I went on holiday to Weymouth in Dorset with my mum and step dad recently. You can see our accommodation in this post here (and also hear about a cute badger who visited us nightly).

We arrived at our lodge at about 4.30 pm on the Friday.

On Saturday we went to Bournemouth, and headed straight to the Oceanarium, which had otters and giant turtles amongst sharks and other critters. I was really happy to see otters as they're so damn cute. You can hear my mum and some cute kids talking in the video below.

Mum and I

Real sand - the beaches near me are pebbly - and the pier

On Sunday we went to the island of Portland, which has changed unbelievably since I was last there about 15 years ago. It used to be quite a run down little place but now it's full of posh new build apartments and expensive places to eat. I think having the Olympic sailing at Weymouth did the area a huge amount of good.

Portland Bill lighthouse on a dreary day

We stopped off for lunch at the Chesil Beach centre, which was expensive to eat at. 2 bowls of chips, 2 bread baskets and 2 diet cokes came to over £15, which is why we didn't have a proper meal there! It would have cost about £30 to have eaten properly, which is damn expensive for a cafe.

Hubs with the sun in his eyes

Step dad

Mum, who pulls as many silly faces as I do

Me

After lunch we nipped back to a gorgeous graveyard I'd spotted. I think it's the loveliest graveyard I've ever seen. It was chock full of gorgeous memorials like the one below. I will post more photos from the graveyard in a series I have planned called Photo Friday.

On Monday we went to a boot fair and market in Weymouth then met my friend Jayne (you might know her as the ex pro-wrestler Klondyke Kate) for a good natter. We came together on Myspace after a mutual friend of ours died a few years ago. We arranged to meet in Hastings a couple of years ago when Jayne was wrestling locally and she took us backstage afterwards so we could have a good natter and meet her hubby and daughter. This time we spent about 3 hours chatting in a pub and it was lovely to catch up, so much so that I didn't want to leave. What she doesn't know about wrestling hasn't been invented yet and it's not just the UK wrestlers she knows, but the big stars in WWE wrestling too. She's held in high esteem by all wrestlers as she was such a game changer. Myself and my step dad are big wrestling fans so we could listen to her talk about the wrestling world until our ears fall off, but more than that that she's a lovely lady with a heart of gold. I don't see her often, but she's a dear friend whose Facebook updates make me laugh my butt off on a regular basis.

I'm breaking this up into two posts to stop me waffling on too much. The next one will have what we did Tues-Thurs.

Thanks for reading!

Holiday post - where we stayed

Hiya!

I'd be a totally rubbish blogger if I didn't make some kind of reference to my holiday, wouldn't I? ;) There'll be a couple more holiday posts coming throughout the week. This one is mainly about where we stayed for the week.

We stayed at a holiday park (link) with lodges in woodland near Weymouth in Dorset. My mum and step dad treated us to this holiday, which was lovely. All we had to do was provide our own spending money.

Outside seating//one of the 2 sofas in the lounge//dining area
Mum in the kitchen//the beds in our room (we pushed them together)//the corner bath
Deer roamed the park//view from my bed//watching Pointless from our cluttered corner of the room

The accommodation was really nice and spacious and is actually one of the smaller lodges available on the park. There were 3 bedrooms, a large corner bath with shower over, a large lounge/dining room/kitchen and an outside area to sit. There were loads of trees on the park - pine, silver birch, horse chestnut, and probably more. Our car got smothered in pine needles and by the end of the week loads of leaves had blown into the lodge, which was quite nice as I love Autumn.

There were only 2 drawbacks with being in a rural location surrounded by trees - it was terribly damp and you could smell it (when I stripped the bedding off to save the cleaners the job at the end of the week my pillow had mould on it - eek!) and there was totally SHIT phone and wifi signal. I could barely do anything online at all from the lodge. The husband unit was bored brainless without the internet and almost lost the will to live! :)

Hubby with the pine needle smothered car//our lodge//mum and the stairs down to it
Glorious setting//Bodger the friendly badger//mum waiting to be let in//looking for wildlife

One of the highlights of the week was being visited by a badger. We saw him the first night looking around outside the door to the cabin, so we left things like bread, meat and potatoes out for him and he came back every night afterwards. At first he came at around midnight, but he got earlier and earlier (but still after dark) as he knew he had a guaranteed meal from us. One night he arrived before we'd put food out and he looked through the door glass as if to say 'Come on!' Mum went out there with some scraps and he ran away, but she spoke to him gently and he came towards her. He was no more than 2 feet away from her at this point.

None of us had ever seen a live badger (we'd all seen plenty of dead ones) and it was wonderful to watch. The best bit was when mum put some beans and potatoes out which my step dad had left. The badger scraped the beans off the plate with his claws and ate them from the decking. It was adorable to watch. On the last night we had a takeaway and there were a lot of chips left over (as you can see in the photo above) which he wasn't a fan of at all (neither were we, they were bloody horrible!) I think he's probably used to being fed by holiday makers which is why he wasn't too afraid of my mum.

It was also lovely when we saw deer near the cabin too. Hubby saw one outside through the window he called devil deer because it looked super aggressive and had some mean looking antlers, but the ones I saw were very much Bambi!

I've got another holiday OOTD to share as well as some photos and a 'what we did' post as well. I'll spread them out amongst other posts this week so I don't bore everyone rigid!

Thanks for reading.

I'm still alive...honest!

Hello!

I've had rather a busy few days so here's a bit of an update. We've had a visit to Manchester, a family visit today and I've also been trying to give my support to a family crisis so I really haven't been able to blog as much as I usually do.

On Friday we went to stay with friends near Manchester, a visit which had been planned for months. The traffic was abysmal and it took 8 hours to get there, but we soon got stuck into the festivities for my friend's 50th birthday. We had a pinata, which my friend Tim is sporting on his head in the photo below.

I don't know if you've ever tried to smash a pinata, but it's highly entertaining trying to break it open to get the sweets out of it, more so when you're a bit tipsy! There were 8 of us in turn bashing the guts out of this thing for over 15 minutes before it gave up the goodies. The stick provided to hit it with broke before the pinata did!

On Saturday evening we went to a rock pub nearby because there was a band on. A couple of our other friends had joined us by this point so there were 10 of us in all. What a motley bunch! I've known some of these people for 14 years, and some as little as a couple of years, but whenever we get together it feels like no time has passed at all. It doesn't matter what we do, we always have fun. We only see each other a couple of times a year so we leave all our troubles at the door and enjoy each other while we can.

I had a minor victory over anxiety on this trip. I've got bronchitis and a bad cold and I was stressing myself out about giving other people a cold or holding everyone back from doing things in my ill state. I did consider not going at all, but my friend reassured me we were having a chilled weekend, so I felt relieved. I woke up on Friday morning after a fitful night's sleep from coughing, but with a little voice within telling me things would be OK. Everybody went out to the pub on Saturday afternoon, and I knew I needed to save myself for later, so I stayed behind and chilled out. My friend had sprinkled boxes of tissues all over the house and I was absolutely fine. I slept a lot in the car on the way there (and back) as the chest infection is really taking it out of me, but I still had a fantastic weekend and I'm so glad anxiety didn't lead me to missing out.

We came home yesterday - another 6+ hours in the car. We came home, had takeaway last night then crashed out. This morning I got up and started cleaning like a demon as my dad and brother came down to visit us today.

My outfit today - I wore the Simply Be Em dress

My dad and brother today

My dad in the pub

Hastings Old Town

We had a lovely meal in a pub in Old Town and went in a few shops. It was boiling hot here today, far too hot for comfort, which is very odd since it's nearly October, but it was the perfect day for an outing.

I'll be back to my regular schedule from tomorrow onwards.

How was your weekend? Did you do anything nice? Thanks for reading.