I'm wearing:
Cherry hair clip, Feb Glitterati box
Biker, past season New Look
Dress, past season Scarlett & Jo
Leggings, past season ASOS Curve
Boots, past season New Look wide fit
Bag, past season Peacocks
Leah xoxo
Black and grey like my favourite tattoos
Friday, 18 March 2016
I'm wearing:
Cherry hair clip, Feb Glitterati box
Biker, past season New Look
Dress, past season Scarlett & Jo
Leggings, past season ASOS Curve
Boots, past season New Look wide fit
Bag, past season Peacocks
Leah xoxo
Leopard love with Lady V London
Wednesday, 16 March 2016
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| Baldie undercut! |
I'm wearing:
Headband, local store
Sunglasses, past Primark
Shrug, past season Simply Be
Dress, past season Lady V London
Black lace cropped leggings, Yours Clothing
Shoes, past Matalan
I'm wearing the dress in a 26-28 and the leggings are also in a 26-28. These are those maternity leggings again and unlike the grey ones, these ones are true to size. No I'm not with child, I just hate the line waist length leggings cause in photos. I love highwaisted things. They appeal to the granny in me. :)
Leah xoxo
How to clean your oven with vagina devil magic
Monday, 14 March 2016
Those who hate cleaning their oven will love this trick. Gleaming shine and barely lifting a finger.
Posted by Cleverly on Friday, 11 March 2016
Ok, so it's bicarbonate of soda and white vinegar, but it's essentially the same thing as vagina devil magic, right? I mean I feel this kind of knowledge should be passed from mother to daughter in some sacred ritual around a fire in a clearing somewhere as a menacing moon hangs overhead. Sooooo, I tried doing this as my oven was the pits. I hadn't been able to see through the door since about 2012, despite scrubbing away at the muck of the oven regularly with wire wool and getting nowhere.
Well, strike me roan, Ails* if it didn't bloody work!
Excuse the grim photo of my 'before' oven - streaked brown with grime on the door, coated in a paste made from bicarbonate of soda, white vinegar and water - and behold the sparkly after, not perfect, but a lot better and with zero elbow grease! Amazing.
Go forth, share this knowledge with your sisters from other misters, and if you are hanging around a campfire under the light of the moon, don't forget your marshmallows.
I can't believe I just blogged about ovens. WHO AM I?!
Leah xoxo
*A vintage Alf Stewart from Home and Away mention there. ;) A notable mention goes to to 'Strike me 'andsome!'
When I got slut shamed
When I came back off my mini hiatus from the blog I knew I needed to come back with something with a bit of oomph to lift my spirits. You see, I'd been in the depths of depression and felt like I'd lost my lust for life and everything in it. I didn't want to put makeup on, I didn't want to get dressed, I didn't want to do anything. So when I felt the lifeblood returning, I knew I had to post some outfit photos I'd been sitting on for a month or so, in which I'm wearing a sheer cropped jumper and some wet look leggings that had gone see through under my bright softbox lights. I knew I had to give myself a big kick up the arse, what way better to do that than post unapologetic photos where hardly any part of my body is hidden?! Baptism by fire, if you will.
Then I got slut shamed, and this is much more than about me. It ties into the Kim Kardashian situation of late, and way beyond that to a belief system in which women are punished for daring to enjoy the same freedoms as men.
EVERY time I put a slightly revealing photo on Instagram I KNOW I'm going to get shit for it. It happens every time, whether I'm in my underwear, wearing revealing clothing or sometimes for daring to exist at all. It's either concern trolls or - at the other end of the spectrum - sleazebags, but either way I never get to JUST BE in my body. So, before I even uploaded a photo of this outfit to Instagram I knew there'd be a warm shit sandwich awaiting me in some way. What I wasn't expecting was to be slut shamed by another fat woman.
Wow. Just wow. Telling another woman she isn't 'classy' because of her clothing choices on ONE DAY? And we all know what she infers by 'classy' too. She's inferring I'm a slut. WOW. How brave of this woman to hide behind her private profile so I couldn't offer her some fashion 'advice' in return. How brave of her to try to shame another fat woman. Normally I'd ream someone who left such a comment on my Instagram account (as many of you will have seen in the past) but perhaps because she'd inferred I was a low class bitch I held back with the expletives.
This woman's behaviour ties into a bigger problem, whereby women are judged on their actions - what they wear, how much skin they reveal, and who they choose to have sex with (or not). I'm really not a fan of the Kardashians at all - I object to them on the grounds that they're famous for being famous. I've never watched any of their shows and my lack of interest in them is because they're so talked about. What bothers me about the Kardashians is the depth of feeling I've seen on social media from other women about Kim's recent nude selfie. (I don't think I've seen a single man mention it). Yes she did a naked selfie. Yes she did a naked magazine cover. Yes she came to fame from a sex tape (which confounds me because I'm an old lady slightly out of sorts with the image-obsessed ways of the youth, not because she got naked). Yes she certainly loves and thrives off the limelight - that's the understatement of the year.
All of this makes her many things - a shrewd businesswoman, vain, narcissistic, someone who's profited off her sexuality, someone who may appear to be vapid at a glance. NONE OF THESE THINGS MAKE HER A SLUT. You can disapprove of her in many ways just as long as you aren't inferring she's a lesser being for being naked or being a sexual being. So she's not reading Plato for shiggles (that's shits and giggles, I just made that up) or creating world peace, but she's also not cutting the heads off babies (as far as I'm aware). I hate talking about the woman at all as she gets waaaaaaaay too much press already, but it ties into this whole bullshit-ty situation.
Being hooked on attention, or vain, or shallow or self-obsessed or any other questionable personality trait doesn't make her a slut. It makes her a bit of a plonker, but not a slut. A 'slut' is a patriarchal invention to keep women in their place. What is a slut? Someone who enjoys sex? Someone who enjoys sex but not with the one who desires them? Someone who is sexually active? OH NO, STONE THE WITCH.
Jesus Christ on a unicycle, this is 2016. You can boff who you like, with as many partners as you like, as many times as you like as long as it's consensual. As long as you practice safe sex there's nothing wrong with it (unless you're cheating, naughty!), in fact go at it like a barn door in a force 9 gale. There is no such thing as a slut. I Googled slut and the definition that came up was 'A woman who has many sexual partners.' What do we call a man who has many sexual partners? A stud? Lucky?! Why the double standard? Well we know why, don't we girls? Because a certain type of man really dislikes it when women behave with the freedom of men. And the really sad thing is a lot of women fall into slut-shaming behaviour as they can't see how harmful this crap is to all women. And it doesn't just harm women, because men are taught to consume and dispose of women, that they have to shag around to be a real man, and that if women do the same then they're sluts. It damages us all.
Let's get this clear - who a woman sleeps with, how many people she sleeps with or how often she gets her freak on - does not make her a slut. A woman is no more of a slut in a bikini than she is in head to toe clothing. A woman is most definitely not a slut if you desire her and she doesn't want to have sex with you. There's no such thing as a slut. These are words to try to make people feel less than, and I refuse to let some stick-in-the-mud woman make me feel bad about myself. You shouldn't either. Let's bin words like slut and whore and see them for the crock of shit they are.
Leah xoxo
Then I got slut shamed, and this is much more than about me. It ties into the Kim Kardashian situation of late, and way beyond that to a belief system in which women are punished for daring to enjoy the same freedoms as men.
EVERY time I put a slightly revealing photo on Instagram I KNOW I'm going to get shit for it. It happens every time, whether I'm in my underwear, wearing revealing clothing or sometimes for daring to exist at all. It's either concern trolls or - at the other end of the spectrum - sleazebags, but either way I never get to JUST BE in my body. So, before I even uploaded a photo of this outfit to Instagram I knew there'd be a warm shit sandwich awaiting me in some way. What I wasn't expecting was to be slut shamed by another fat woman.
Wow. Just wow. Telling another woman she isn't 'classy' because of her clothing choices on ONE DAY? And we all know what she infers by 'classy' too. She's inferring I'm a slut. WOW. How brave of this woman to hide behind her private profile so I couldn't offer her some fashion 'advice' in return. How brave of her to try to shame another fat woman. Normally I'd ream someone who left such a comment on my Instagram account (as many of you will have seen in the past) but perhaps because she'd inferred I was a low class bitch I held back with the expletives.
This woman's behaviour ties into a bigger problem, whereby women are judged on their actions - what they wear, how much skin they reveal, and who they choose to have sex with (or not). I'm really not a fan of the Kardashians at all - I object to them on the grounds that they're famous for being famous. I've never watched any of their shows and my lack of interest in them is because they're so talked about. What bothers me about the Kardashians is the depth of feeling I've seen on social media from other women about Kim's recent nude selfie. (I don't think I've seen a single man mention it). Yes she did a naked selfie. Yes she did a naked magazine cover. Yes she came to fame from a sex tape (which confounds me because I'm an old lady slightly out of sorts with the image-obsessed ways of the youth, not because she got naked). Yes she certainly loves and thrives off the limelight - that's the understatement of the year.
All of this makes her many things - a shrewd businesswoman, vain, narcissistic, someone who's profited off her sexuality, someone who may appear to be vapid at a glance. NONE OF THESE THINGS MAKE HER A SLUT. You can disapprove of her in many ways just as long as you aren't inferring she's a lesser being for being naked or being a sexual being. So she's not reading Plato for shiggles (that's shits and giggles, I just made that up) or creating world peace, but she's also not cutting the heads off babies (as far as I'm aware). I hate talking about the woman at all as she gets waaaaaaaay too much press already, but it ties into this whole bullshit-ty situation.
Being hooked on attention, or vain, or shallow or self-obsessed or any other questionable personality trait doesn't make her a slut. It makes her a bit of a plonker, but not a slut. A 'slut' is a patriarchal invention to keep women in their place. What is a slut? Someone who enjoys sex? Someone who enjoys sex but not with the one who desires them? Someone who is sexually active? OH NO, STONE THE WITCH.
Jesus Christ on a unicycle, this is 2016. You can boff who you like, with as many partners as you like, as many times as you like as long as it's consensual. As long as you practice safe sex there's nothing wrong with it (unless you're cheating, naughty!), in fact go at it like a barn door in a force 9 gale. There is no such thing as a slut. I Googled slut and the definition that came up was 'A woman who has many sexual partners.' What do we call a man who has many sexual partners? A stud? Lucky?! Why the double standard? Well we know why, don't we girls? Because a certain type of man really dislikes it when women behave with the freedom of men. And the really sad thing is a lot of women fall into slut-shaming behaviour as they can't see how harmful this crap is to all women. And it doesn't just harm women, because men are taught to consume and dispose of women, that they have to shag around to be a real man, and that if women do the same then they're sluts. It damages us all.
Let's get this clear - who a woman sleeps with, how many people she sleeps with or how often she gets her freak on - does not make her a slut. A woman is no more of a slut in a bikini than she is in head to toe clothing. A woman is most definitely not a slut if you desire her and she doesn't want to have sex with you. There's no such thing as a slut. These are words to try to make people feel less than, and I refuse to let some stick-in-the-mud woman make me feel bad about myself. You shouldn't either. Let's bin words like slut and whore and see them for the crock of shit they are.
Leah xoxo
In praise of comfortable clothes
Sunday, 13 March 2016
Very rarely do I go full on glamour and go out wearing something I can't wait to tear off. I've got a few corsets and I own high heels and shapewear, but most of the time I want to look passable without being strung up like a lamb joint. Could I look better with more effort? Of course, but I really can't be bothered. Comfort is where it's at for me 99.99% of the time. Fibromyalgia dictates soft comfortable clothing and who am I to argue?!
I'm doing the fashion equivalent of palate cleansing right now. I've had ugly patterns and the idea that fat women should always wear dresses shoved down my throat for the last few years, so I've lost my fashion identity and need to wash all that bad taste out of my mouth. While I figure out who the hell I am, all I want to wear is plain coloured separates. Not a floral dress in sight! Here's the kind of thing I'm living in at the moment.
Do you like my funky new wall curtain thing? It reflects light like a charm.
I'm wearing:
Sunglasses, Primark current stock
Cardigan, old George at Asda (I actually wore this cardi on my wedding day).
Dress, past season New Look Inspire
Yours Clothing charcoal cropped leggings with lace panel
Shoes, past Primark wide fit
These leggings are actually maternity leggings. I love highwaisted leggings because I hate the extra line waist length leggings cause under clothes. I like things pulled up under my boobs like a proper granny! I ordered these leggings in black and charcoal, also swayed by the thick lace at the bottoms of the legs, which I love. The black and grey ones fit TOTALLY differently. I bought both in size 26-28 as that's what I wear in some leggings (my faves from Very are loose and a size 24 is more than ample, but when I'm unsure I size up). Anyhow, the grey ones fit like a size 22-24. They aren't size 26-28 plus bump room, they're very undersized, so do size up if you buy them. The black ones are true to size at a 26-28 and are much longer in the legs as well as the body. Go figure! They're both comfortable and a good quality fabric, but I have to really yank the grey ones up to get them where I want them. I should've sent them back but I have no patience for that. They also have them in light grey, which I think I might have to get too. They're £10 each but I'm a sucker for lace. They do fall down often as I don't have a baby bump to keep them up, so bear that in mind. :)
I really don't care if things are meant for pregnant women, or even if the clothes I like are for men. If I like something I'll buy it. I've got a whole outfit coming up soon which is maternity clothes. Seriously, who cares? I've worn nightwear as daywear before and vice versa. Wear what you want in whatever way you want, and if that means being a man and wearing women's fashion then go for it! Fashion rules are made to be broken. Jeez, there's so little fashion for fat bodies just wear what makes you happy. Alter things, get them tailored or wear as-is. I got a really cool longline skull t-shirt from the men's section in H&M before Christmas which is way too small for me so I'm going to unpick the sides to make it a long side slit top, and I'm going to cut the sleeves off too so it's a vest. It'll be tight around the tits but I think I can live with it. ;)
Seriously, BUY THE CLOTHES YOU LIKE and sod the rules.
I have 4 of these dresses I'm wearing in this post, 2 black, a pink one and a red one. New Look used to sell them in twin packs for about £17.99 for the two and they're so handy. They're really stretchy and you can wear them in all kinds of colour combinations. I hope they bring some more colours out soon.
Leah xoxo
I'm doing the fashion equivalent of palate cleansing right now. I've had ugly patterns and the idea that fat women should always wear dresses shoved down my throat for the last few years, so I've lost my fashion identity and need to wash all that bad taste out of my mouth. While I figure out who the hell I am, all I want to wear is plain coloured separates. Not a floral dress in sight! Here's the kind of thing I'm living in at the moment.
 |
| Ouch, my shins! This is the same kind of rash that made people think I had cellulitis a month ago. Nope, just a chronic illness thing! |
Sunglasses, Primark current stock
Cardigan, old George at Asda (I actually wore this cardi on my wedding day).
Dress, past season New Look Inspire
Yours Clothing charcoal cropped leggings with lace panel
Shoes, past Primark wide fit
These leggings are actually maternity leggings. I love highwaisted leggings because I hate the extra line waist length leggings cause under clothes. I like things pulled up under my boobs like a proper granny! I ordered these leggings in black and charcoal, also swayed by the thick lace at the bottoms of the legs, which I love. The black and grey ones fit TOTALLY differently. I bought both in size 26-28 as that's what I wear in some leggings (my faves from Very are loose and a size 24 is more than ample, but when I'm unsure I size up). Anyhow, the grey ones fit like a size 22-24. They aren't size 26-28 plus bump room, they're very undersized, so do size up if you buy them. The black ones are true to size at a 26-28 and are much longer in the legs as well as the body. Go figure! They're both comfortable and a good quality fabric, but I have to really yank the grey ones up to get them where I want them. I should've sent them back but I have no patience for that. They also have them in light grey, which I think I might have to get too. They're £10 each but I'm a sucker for lace. They do fall down often as I don't have a baby bump to keep them up, so bear that in mind. :)
I really don't care if things are meant for pregnant women, or even if the clothes I like are for men. If I like something I'll buy it. I've got a whole outfit coming up soon which is maternity clothes. Seriously, who cares? I've worn nightwear as daywear before and vice versa. Wear what you want in whatever way you want, and if that means being a man and wearing women's fashion then go for it! Fashion rules are made to be broken. Jeez, there's so little fashion for fat bodies just wear what makes you happy. Alter things, get them tailored or wear as-is. I got a really cool longline skull t-shirt from the men's section in H&M before Christmas which is way too small for me so I'm going to unpick the sides to make it a long side slit top, and I'm going to cut the sleeves off too so it's a vest. It'll be tight around the tits but I think I can live with it. ;)
Seriously, BUY THE CLOTHES YOU LIKE and sod the rules.
I have 4 of these dresses I'm wearing in this post, 2 black, a pink one and a red one. New Look used to sell them in twin packs for about £17.99 for the two and they're so handy. They're really stretchy and you can wear them in all kinds of colour combinations. I hope they bring some more colours out soon.
Leah xoxo
Dressing up for fun
Thursday, 10 March 2016
When I was a little girl I always wanted a dressing up box, but we were really poor so I made do with my mums too-big shoes and anything else I could lay my hands on, including her nets fresh out of the wash. ;) I distinctly remember swanning around the back alleys behind our house pretending I was a bride. I'm not too sure my mum was a fan of that, but sometimes you've just gotta go when the mood takes you, you know? Now I'm an adult I have more than enough clothes, but that doesn't mean that I always wear sensible things. I might wear clothes indoors that I'm NEVER going to wear outside, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't have fun with them. Sometimes I want to wear things for the fun of it, and this is one of those outfits.
My leggings have gone see-through under the bright lighting I use to take photos, so I'm glad I had good knickers on. Hah.
I have nothing new to sell you here, other than the idea that you can wear what the hell you want whenever the hell you want and if anyone says anything, eat them. I have nothing to sell you other than the idea that you have to look a certain way to be valued is the biggest crock of shit in existence (and anyone who values you less for the way you look is a giant bag of dicks). I have nothing to sell you except the notion that pretty poses are OK some days but what about when you feel fierce AF and want to snarl in front of a camera? The meek fat woman trope needs to die. Acceptable fatness as used and abused by plus size brands needs to die. Size 16 models wearing clothing meant for people up to a size 32 or above needs to die. The whitewashing of fashion campaigns needs to die. Ableist fashion campaigns need to die. Valuing people on their looks and not their hearts needs to die. Telling young girls how their bodies should look and giving them lifelong complexes needs to die. Telling adult women how their bodies should look and carrying on those complexes needs to die.
I'm wearing:
Huge hair bow, Crown & Glory in lilac
Necklace, gift from a friend
Jumper, from Mookie
Leggings, past season Very
Shoes, past season Matalan
Do you ever dress up just for shits and giggles?
Leah xoxo
My leggings have gone see-through under the bright lighting I use to take photos, so I'm glad I had good knickers on. Hah.
 |
| Don't like my cellulite, thunder thighs and VBO? I don't care. F**k flattering! |
Huge hair bow, Crown & Glory in lilac
Necklace, gift from a friend
Jumper, from Mookie
Leggings, past season Very
Shoes, past season Matalan
Do you ever dress up just for shits and giggles?
Leah xoxo
What it's like having a transvaginal ultrasound
Wednesday, 9 March 2016
Tonight I'm having a transvaginal ultrasound (or pelvic ultrasound) to check on my ovarian cysts and my womb. My periods have always been painful, but the last 3-4 months have been off the hook. Or rather, it feels like I'm on one! Ouch.
I've had several transvaginal ultrasounds during check ups on my reproductive health and also in both my ectopic pregnancies.
So, what does the probe they use look like?
I call it a light saber! The one they use on me is similar to this but not the same. I always have a female sonogram technician, which is nice. Before I go into the room I have a pee, as this scan is best on an empty bladder. She gets me to strip from the waist down behind a curtain and put a blanket over my tummy, then she comes in when I'm in place. I lean back on the bed - which is reclined slightly so my pelvis is naturally tilted forward - and bend my legs and part them, as if in a stirrups position.
They put a protective sheath over the probe, lube it up really generously and pop it where the sun doesn't shine. Does it hurt? It hurts me a little, yes, because I have quite a lot going on downstairs. My whole vaginal area is sore when I'm on my period (and at other times) so it's uncomfortable when it's going in. The worst pain for me is when it's pressed to the left and right to capture images of the left and right sides. This pain makes me come over all hot, sweaty and nauseous, but it's over quickly and it's necessary to see what's going on. The whole procedure only takes a couple of minutes and the sonographer tells me what's going on at every step. In fact, taking off my clothes and putting them back on probably takes longer than the actual procedure itself. You can have the procedure when you're on your period, and the sonographer is always very reassuring about it being OK to bleed over the bed as it's covered in a paper roll. She gives me tissues to wipe with (there's so much lube used it can feel quite alarming down there) and tells me to leave the tissues on the bed and she scrunches them all up together and puts them in the waste bin. It's all very no-fuss, we're all girls together stuff and not at all embarrassing. Medical staff need to be reassuring when it comes to matters below the belt and the NHS have been brilliant for this. I can ask my sonographer any questions about the size of my cysts (she measures them during the scan) and she asks questions about my periods etc to best determine what's going on.
I have ovarian cysts and thickening of the womb lining, both of which can be causes of concern with regards to cancer. My cysts have changed often in size and appearance leading my specialist to be concerned previously with cancer risk. A time back he wanted to remove the offending ovary, but at the time James and I were still vacillating about whether we wanted kids or not so I said no. How I regret that now! If my cysts have got very large again (which would explain the pain) and the womb lining has thickened more I'm going to ask to be referred back to the specialist and I'll ask for a hysterectomy. If it's safe for them to leave one ovary behind (the one without huge cysts) I would prefer that as I won't go into full menopause, but if it's enough of a risk I will happily accept a full hysterectomy and HRT. I'm sick of the pain and the risk of cancer hanging over my head.
Here's an NHS leaflet which explains more about transvaginal ultrasounds. Any questions?
I've had several transvaginal ultrasounds during check ups on my reproductive health and also in both my ectopic pregnancies.
So, what does the probe they use look like?
 |
| Photo source |
They put a protective sheath over the probe, lube it up really generously and pop it where the sun doesn't shine. Does it hurt? It hurts me a little, yes, because I have quite a lot going on downstairs. My whole vaginal area is sore when I'm on my period (and at other times) so it's uncomfortable when it's going in. The worst pain for me is when it's pressed to the left and right to capture images of the left and right sides. This pain makes me come over all hot, sweaty and nauseous, but it's over quickly and it's necessary to see what's going on. The whole procedure only takes a couple of minutes and the sonographer tells me what's going on at every step. In fact, taking off my clothes and putting them back on probably takes longer than the actual procedure itself. You can have the procedure when you're on your period, and the sonographer is always very reassuring about it being OK to bleed over the bed as it's covered in a paper roll. She gives me tissues to wipe with (there's so much lube used it can feel quite alarming down there) and tells me to leave the tissues on the bed and she scrunches them all up together and puts them in the waste bin. It's all very no-fuss, we're all girls together stuff and not at all embarrassing. Medical staff need to be reassuring when it comes to matters below the belt and the NHS have been brilliant for this. I can ask my sonographer any questions about the size of my cysts (she measures them during the scan) and she asks questions about my periods etc to best determine what's going on.
I have ovarian cysts and thickening of the womb lining, both of which can be causes of concern with regards to cancer. My cysts have changed often in size and appearance leading my specialist to be concerned previously with cancer risk. A time back he wanted to remove the offending ovary, but at the time James and I were still vacillating about whether we wanted kids or not so I said no. How I regret that now! If my cysts have got very large again (which would explain the pain) and the womb lining has thickened more I'm going to ask to be referred back to the specialist and I'll ask for a hysterectomy. If it's safe for them to leave one ovary behind (the one without huge cysts) I would prefer that as I won't go into full menopause, but if it's enough of a risk I will happily accept a full hysterectomy and HRT. I'm sick of the pain and the risk of cancer hanging over my head.
Here's an NHS leaflet which explains more about transvaginal ultrasounds. Any questions?
Lost and found - on purpose and knowing your path
Tuesday, 8 March 2016
Do you feel like you know all the important stuff, like who you are, what your purpose is, and what you want out of life? I thought I did, but I'm having a little existential life crisis, so I'm writing this for anyone else who feels they should have it all together by now.
I haven't blogged in a while because I've kind of lost my way. The worst part of being lost isn't being lost at all, but thinking I should be beyond the point of existential crises by the age of (almost) 42. (Shhhh, I'm trying 42 on for size, less than a month to go until my birthday). Being lost is just one of the early stages of being found. You can't have an end without a beginning, and rarely do you get an answer without a question being posed first, so questions and doubts are OK. They help you reassess who you are and where you're going.
It's OK not to have all the answers, not to feel 'complete' or like you have the maturity to match the challenges life brings. It's OK to be a bit lost, or not know what your purpose is, or what you want, or who you are, because I don't right now and I'm sure there are thousands - if not millions - of other people out there going through this. Are we ever complete, do you think? Don't we keep learning until the day we die? How silly of me at nearly 42 to think I should have found all the answers. I'm barely more than a child with wrinkles!
It's OK not to feel like you're mentally or physically on top of all your stuff. Being an adult is hard. Thanks Kid President for the reminder.
It's OK for me not to know what my purpose is. And it's OK for you too. Maybe whatever needs to happen hasn't happened yet. Lot of people don't find meaning in their lives until they're older. Morgan Freeman didn't receive critical acclaim until he was in his 50s, for example. It would have been easy for him to give up, but he got there. I like to think a calling will come to me at some point. :) But I do know what my joys are - family, animals, children, nature, exploring, photography, writing, reading, tv, music, makeup, sunsets, road trips, friends, new places.
I may not know exactly what I want out of life, but drawing from my passions I want more of the things that heal me and less of the things that drain me. Those drains are social media, thinking about things I *should* be doing as a blogger, feeling the need to compete as a blogger or strive towards some undefinable goal all the time. I need to concentrate on things I want to do, not things I feel I SHOULD do to be a better blogger/person. Happiness lies in being true to ourselves and shutting out the voices that come from other sources. This article here in praise of mediocrity made me realise that sometimes we can be far too hard on ourselves. I know I am. I also enjoyed this article which asks if you're following your goals or someone else's. I'm guilty of that sometimes - I *think* I want things but that's only because most people do. Don't live someone else's dreams.
It's OK for me not to know who I am right now, but I know what shapes me - things like being a fat woman in a shallow world. Being a chronic illness and depression warrior. Being an empath/extra sensitive person. Being a wife, a daughter, a sister, a niece, an auntie, a friend. Being a deep thinker, a questioner. If you're struggling, remember the things that fill your heart with joy and make time for more of them. Focus on the good, the joy, the things that light you up inside - no matter what they are. Yesterday I was exploring the ruin of an old manor house, totally open to the elements and swamped in vegetation. I swiped mud off the floor with my boot and uncovered ornate 16th-17th century floor tiles. That moment lit me up! It's as nerdy as hell but I felt so alive in that moment. Embrace your joys while you're in times of struggle and it will make it easier to bear.
It's OK for me to be not so focussed on fashion right now. All I want to wear are plain colours like black, grey and purple, oversized baggy tops, and leggings. Think of it as the fashion version of palate cleansing. I've been force fed ugly patterns and she-who-is-fat-must-wear-dresses for so long I'm going back to basics to find my style again, not what has been dictated to me. It may not be exciting but it is me.
It's OK for me not to want to blog much. I'm so busy dealing with my life I forget how tiring it is being me. It's only when I keep a symptom diary for a week or so that I remember how much I have going on physically and mentally. I need to cut myself some slack and come back properly if/when the urge takes me. And if it doesn't, something else will come along. Sometimes you have to ask yourself if your habits are helpful or harmful, and listen to your gut. Blogging is a habit right now, not a calling. If something that once gave you joy now feels like two left shoes, give yourself a break. Reconnect with whatever matters most. I've spent the last two weekends with family (mine and James's) and it's been so good to take a break and concentrate on being a person, not a blogger.
It's OK not be blissfully happy all the time. And the same for you. There's still SUCH a stigma about mental health that I feel the need to have a grin painted on 24/7 for the sake of other people. Why should I? Why should you? Everyone - even people without mental illness - have highs and lows. If you feel you can't be yourself on social media without people abandoning you, limit your exposure to it. Limit your exposure to toxic people too. If you feel like you can't be yourself - completely yourself - you need to take steps.
It's OK to drop aspirations of fitting in and want to stand out. I've always been great at counting the ways I don't fit in. I've always felt like a black sheep, but I forgot the positives of being an individual. It's really hard to be yourself when you're part of something bigger, with lots of voices and personalities. It's easy to see other people doing things and doing them well and thinking you have to be/do the same. It's easy to fall into a trap of thinking you're not enough or you're too much. You lose pieces of yourself as you subconsciously align with the collective. Any bit of your individuality is wonderful and should be embraced. Never try to minimise or erase things that make you unique or unusual. Your quirks are what makes you stand out from the crowd. Run with them.
I don't always know what I want to say or how best to say it. I don't know all the answers but I know some of them. I don't know exactly who I am right now, but I know who I'm not and that can be just as instructive if I only listen. ;)
On this International Women's Day, know it's OK to flounder, to search for yourself, to find meaning in this hectic life. Be one who questions, one who searches, one who learns. I'll be right there with you.
If you want to share your experiences about losing and finding yourself, drop me a comment.
I haven't blogged in a while because I've kind of lost my way. The worst part of being lost isn't being lost at all, but thinking I should be beyond the point of existential crises by the age of (almost) 42. (Shhhh, I'm trying 42 on for size, less than a month to go until my birthday). Being lost is just one of the early stages of being found. You can't have an end without a beginning, and rarely do you get an answer without a question being posed first, so questions and doubts are OK. They help you reassess who you are and where you're going.
It's OK not to have all the answers, not to feel 'complete' or like you have the maturity to match the challenges life brings. It's OK to be a bit lost, or not know what your purpose is, or what you want, or who you are, because I don't right now and I'm sure there are thousands - if not millions - of other people out there going through this. Are we ever complete, do you think? Don't we keep learning until the day we die? How silly of me at nearly 42 to think I should have found all the answers. I'm barely more than a child with wrinkles!
It's OK not to feel like you're mentally or physically on top of all your stuff. Being an adult is hard. Thanks Kid President for the reminder.
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| Found on Instagram here. |
It's OK for me not to know what my purpose is. And it's OK for you too. Maybe whatever needs to happen hasn't happened yet. Lot of people don't find meaning in their lives until they're older. Morgan Freeman didn't receive critical acclaim until he was in his 50s, for example. It would have been easy for him to give up, but he got there. I like to think a calling will come to me at some point. :) But I do know what my joys are - family, animals, children, nature, exploring, photography, writing, reading, tv, music, makeup, sunsets, road trips, friends, new places.
I may not know exactly what I want out of life, but drawing from my passions I want more of the things that heal me and less of the things that drain me. Those drains are social media, thinking about things I *should* be doing as a blogger, feeling the need to compete as a blogger or strive towards some undefinable goal all the time. I need to concentrate on things I want to do, not things I feel I SHOULD do to be a better blogger/person. Happiness lies in being true to ourselves and shutting out the voices that come from other sources. This article here in praise of mediocrity made me realise that sometimes we can be far too hard on ourselves. I know I am. I also enjoyed this article which asks if you're following your goals or someone else's. I'm guilty of that sometimes - I *think* I want things but that's only because most people do. Don't live someone else's dreams.
It's OK for me not to know who I am right now, but I know what shapes me - things like being a fat woman in a shallow world. Being a chronic illness and depression warrior. Being an empath/extra sensitive person. Being a wife, a daughter, a sister, a niece, an auntie, a friend. Being a deep thinker, a questioner. If you're struggling, remember the things that fill your heart with joy and make time for more of them. Focus on the good, the joy, the things that light you up inside - no matter what they are. Yesterday I was exploring the ruin of an old manor house, totally open to the elements and swamped in vegetation. I swiped mud off the floor with my boot and uncovered ornate 16th-17th century floor tiles. That moment lit me up! It's as nerdy as hell but I felt so alive in that moment. Embrace your joys while you're in times of struggle and it will make it easier to bear.
It's OK for me to be not so focussed on fashion right now. All I want to wear are plain colours like black, grey and purple, oversized baggy tops, and leggings. Think of it as the fashion version of palate cleansing. I've been force fed ugly patterns and she-who-is-fat-must-wear-dresses for so long I'm going back to basics to find my style again, not what has been dictated to me. It may not be exciting but it is me.
It's OK for me not to want to blog much. I'm so busy dealing with my life I forget how tiring it is being me. It's only when I keep a symptom diary for a week or so that I remember how much I have going on physically and mentally. I need to cut myself some slack and come back properly if/when the urge takes me. And if it doesn't, something else will come along. Sometimes you have to ask yourself if your habits are helpful or harmful, and listen to your gut. Blogging is a habit right now, not a calling. If something that once gave you joy now feels like two left shoes, give yourself a break. Reconnect with whatever matters most. I've spent the last two weekends with family (mine and James's) and it's been so good to take a break and concentrate on being a person, not a blogger.
It's OK not be blissfully happy all the time. And the same for you. There's still SUCH a stigma about mental health that I feel the need to have a grin painted on 24/7 for the sake of other people. Why should I? Why should you? Everyone - even people without mental illness - have highs and lows. If you feel you can't be yourself on social media without people abandoning you, limit your exposure to it. Limit your exposure to toxic people too. If you feel like you can't be yourself - completely yourself - you need to take steps.
It's OK to drop aspirations of fitting in and want to stand out. I've always been great at counting the ways I don't fit in. I've always felt like a black sheep, but I forgot the positives of being an individual. It's really hard to be yourself when you're part of something bigger, with lots of voices and personalities. It's easy to see other people doing things and doing them well and thinking you have to be/do the same. It's easy to fall into a trap of thinking you're not enough or you're too much. You lose pieces of yourself as you subconsciously align with the collective. Any bit of your individuality is wonderful and should be embraced. Never try to minimise or erase things that make you unique or unusual. Your quirks are what makes you stand out from the crowd. Run with them.
I don't always know what I want to say or how best to say it. I don't know all the answers but I know some of them. I don't know exactly who I am right now, but I know who I'm not and that can be just as instructive if I only listen. ;)
On this International Women's Day, know it's OK to flounder, to search for yourself, to find meaning in this hectic life. Be one who questions, one who searches, one who learns. I'll be right there with you.
If you want to share your experiences about losing and finding yourself, drop me a comment.
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