I love Twitter for its immediacy, but sometimes that brings imbeciles into my life. Here are the reasons I LOVE blocking people.
Disclaimer: Work of humour. Kinda.
Disclaimer 2: Swears.
Disclaimer 3: Pre-menstrual, yo.
1. So homophobes, racists, sexists and other such tools don't cause me to mash my skull against a wall until the contents look like grey jam.
2. So people like this can't follow me.
3. So people who profess themselves to be wisdom gurus don't cause me to have an aneurysm when I see their self-important arse expulsions. Newsflash: wisdom is something other people attribute to you. When you go around calling yourself wise you come across like a giant pulsating arseberry. Your words of wisdom are diarrhoea, my friend, and you're spraying it all over the world. When you're dead and someone says you're wise, you're wise. Until then you're a lemon. Unless of course you're Maya Angelou, then no normal rules apply. ;)
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4. So idiots who just retweet crap other people say don't piss me off again when I look to see why I'm not following them. If you have nothing to say for yourself why the hell should anyone follow you, least of all me, a person with the patience of a honey badger on the rag.
5. So teenage number-collecting eejits who tweet things like 'The person below smells' don't find themselves almost liberated of their virginity when I put my size 7 boot up their underpants area, metaphorically speaking, naturally. They're almost always number collectors as well, something which makes me curl my nose up as I've probably blocked more people than I've ever followed. (Oh God, this is probably so true.) What can I say? I have a trigger finger.
6. So creepy chubby chasers can't follow me. I don't like feeling like a fetish. The only man who gets to call me sexy without me feeling a little skeeved out is my husband. After many years of fine tuning my strange people antenna (I'm being polite) I can usually tell when someone is going to become problematic. There are ways of saying things - your hair looks nice, you look pretty - without turning the conversation sexual. If I see a guy has send loads of creeptastic tweets to other girls, I block.
7. When people who I follow back immediately send me a DM begging me to follow them on Youtube, donate to save their mum's pubic wig collection or any other such grasping bollocks. Oh do one, you're not that important love. Usually the more followers a person has the more likely they are to pull this crap. Block.
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8. When a musician from a music genre I hate follows me then spams me incessantly with requests to check out their acid jazz/rap/folk hybrid. Feck right off. I are metalllll.
9. When someone has 90 million followers and follows about 3 people back, but says in their profile they follow back. No, you follow then unfollow to bump up your numbers, you total and utter bottom feeder.
10. When someone loves the Tories with a passion and is loud and proud about it. Sorry, but if you think they're doing a beautiful job, we ain't evarrrrrrrrrrr going to get on. I would sooner let an escaped mass murderer give my lady place a shave with a straight razor. If you think the party who are going out of their way to kill off as many sick and disabled people as possible with their welfare reforms whilst chumming it up with billionaire tax evaders are the best thing since sliced bread, it's a sure fire bet we're not going to be bosom buddies. Le block.
Thanks for reading.
