Valentines Day - if I was single

Hello lovelies,

I did a post in last week's Tuesday Chat about Valentines Day.

Valentines Day is a very coupley thing, obviously. But it needn't be. If I was single I'd want to reclaim it for myself, either by having a sort of pamper evening on my own, or by having a fun girlie night out.

Because I'm a lazy bastard here is a humourous look at how a Valentines Day 'celebration' might go down in my casa.

This would be my list of things needed for the evening:

Bath oil
Body lotion
Fluffy dressing gown & slippers
Photos of Ryan Gosling
Copy of The Notebook on DVD
Selection of sex toys or a large tubular vegetable
Ear plugs for the neighbours
Several bottles of wine, or vodka...fuck it, vodka
Pizza delivery menu


6pm- Begin by having a long, luxurious bath filled with oils, so when I make mad passionate love to myself later on I will enjoy it more.
7.00 - Get out of bath looking like a septuagenarian's happy sack. Apply copious amounts of body lotion.
7.15 - Don dressing gown and slippers. Exhale contentedly.
7.20 - Begin the romance by staring at lots of photos of Ryan Gosling in Google Images.
7.30 - Check batteries.
7.31 - OoooOOOOooooOOOOhhhhhhhhh my teeth are vibrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrating!
7.35 - Now I know what Buddhist monks are on about when they talk about Zen. Exhale contentedly.
7.40 - Slap the DVD in the laptop. The TV is too far away and I need to see The Gosling up close and personal.
7.45 - Pour a large one.
7.50 - And another. Start singing 'You are the sunshine of my liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiife!' and stroking Ryan's face.
7.55 - Eat so many Dairy Milk my teeth ache.
8.00 - Order pizza. They don't do Feat Meast pizzas any more but they tell me they do a Meat Feast, which is very similar. Then they start giggling. Fuckers.
8.05 - Vodka is my friend.
8.15 - Where's my fucking pizza?
8.16 - Ooh, shiny!
8.45 - *woken up by doorbell* My eyes must've got a little bit tired.
8.46 - Answer door to pizza boy. Ashk him if he wants tah come in for a slice of something hot an' spishy.
8.47 - Pizza boy burns rubber in his haste to leave. Ahve never seen a scooter burn rubber before *hic*
8.48 - Notice one tit has fallen out of dressing gown and there's drool all over my face.
8.53 - I feel a bit sick.
8.55 - I shall overcome!
8.56 - Whasht's better than Meat Feast? Meat Feast with Dairy Milk! Whilst watching Ryan Gosling!
8.57 - I love chooooo Ryan Gosling. Why you so perfick? I don' need noooooo one else but choooooo!
9.00 - Ahm sho very tired shuddenly.
5.00 - Wake up with hangover from hell with pepperoni in my hair and cheese all over my face. Someone is using a pneumatic drill INSIDE MY HEAD. I SHALL NEVER DRINK AGAIN! Now I must go quench a lake. Baconnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!

Since my husband is the most unromantic man in the history of mankind, this might actually BE my Valentines Day.

Single and ready to mingle? Tell me how you'll be spending Feb 14th!
Coupled up folks - are you doing something romantic?
Women like me, married to cave men - will you be joining me in a Gosling-fest?

Thanks for reading!