For me bipolar means a lot of pretending, both to others and myself. Pretending I'm ok, pretending this hasn't changed my whole life, pretending I don't notice the people who've abandoned me as they don't know what to say. Pretending everything is rosy and a whirlwind of fun when there are a lot of moments where I'm lower than a sausage dog's knackers.
It involves a LOT of positive thought and planning for happy times in the future as some moments are so bleak as to be breathtaking. There have to be things to look forward to to get me through the days.
There's a HELL of a lot of restlessness. There is a very slim window of feeling at ease in my own brain and skin now. I'm too happy or too sad, rarely if EVER on an even keel. But it's a physical restlessness too. I fidget a lot. I hate people who dilly dally - if I'm going to be doing something shortly I want to get going NOW. I also have to walk and exercise every day or I'll burst from inactivity.
Sadly this means I'm not always patient now and I hate it. I'm also irritable a lot, which upsets those around me, which upsets me. It's like I have no filter any more. My words come out harshly without meaning to.
My bipolar does still involve some gratuitous spending around my period, but nowhere near as badly as when I was with James.
It also brings a very high sex drive. Awkward when I'm as single as a pringle! (But I AM dating and I have some dating posts planned!)
It makes me a very NOW person. My feelings are so intense that there's little past and future. The now is so intense that it blots out a lot.
My memory is AWFUL! I live second to second and constantly need reminding of the plans I've made. @mookie7x7 is like my PA, she knows what's going on in my life better than I do!
My concentration is also awful. I can't read, I can hardly blog. My thoughts come so fast I can't catch them. I can't read and I can barely watch tv. The best way to describe bipolar to you (my bipolar at least) is like having an electric current running through you, vibrating so loudly that you can't concentrate on anything, can't cope with anything.
But it's not all bad. 😁 There's a lot of old me left in there. My humour. My sense of fun. My old friends are here for me and new ones too. It is a struggle but I'm still me. If you have a bipolar person in your life, be gentle with them. They're battling to feel at one with their brain every day. You may not understand it, but please try to be there for them. People with bipolar have a high risk of suicide and need a lot of support.
From bipolar-lives.com:
Never doubt the risk of bipolar suicide. Many studies indicate a 15% rate of suicide amongst individuals with bipolar disorder. This rate is about 30 times higher than than that of the general population.
Do you know anyone who has bipolar?
Thanks for reading.
Leah xoxo
You should talk to my sister. She's been diagnosed since the 80's. She had struggles in the beginning, and was hospitalized a couple times. The first time she was completely manic she did not sleep for an entire week and never stopped talking. My mom, being a mom, I guess she thought she could fix her. My sister had to be hospitalized and once they got her on the proper meds, she stabilized. Then she met this fantastic doctor who was really important in her mental treatment. One thing he told her was not to let bipolar define who she was, that she could do anything. And she has. She went to college and has a degree in English. She has travelled, lived in major cities, and works full time. She has some limitations like she has to avoid too much alcohol and zero drugs like smoking pot. I often wonder how many of my family have some form of mental illness. I know I suffer from depression and some of my other sister's do as well. I think my brother may also be bipolar. My youngest sister is the only one diagnosed. Hang in there Leah. Things will get better. I think we all pretend to some degree. Like fake it till you make it. Find a good doctor is key. If you have to, search till you find someone who makes a difference.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for the kind words Christie. Things feel very bleak for me right now. I'm in the depressive phase of bipolar now and I'm really low. Really in a bad way. But I have my family and I'm trying to think of reasons to stay alive. I will get there. xxxxx
DeleteHi Leah, you are doing a good job raising awareness for people with bipolar, just as you previously did for fibromyalgia sufferers and the and plus size community. Sening you big hugs and positive vibes xxxxx Christy
ReplyDeleteThank you so much Christy. It's all worth it if I can help other people through this. xxxxxxx
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