At This Moment 10 | Lifestyle

Hello loves! It's been a few months since I've done one of these posts so what have I been up to?! Read on.

WATCHING

I've just powered through The Alienist on Netflix, which I loved, and now I'm watching La Mante (The Mantis) about a serial killer from the 90s and her modern day copycat. It's a French show with English subtitles. I love subtitled shows because they force me to concentrate and take my head out of my phone. Due to the nature of the show, there is some gore in the trailer. Finding a trailer with English subtitles to embed here was impossible, but you can see it here.

READING

I'm currently reading No Man's Land by David Baldacci. He certainly writes a long ol' book! I think the last one I read by him was well over 500 pages long, and this one is just over 600 pages long.

MAKING

I'm making money disappear out of my bank account. I've got a bee in my bonnet about getting a capsule wardrobe together due to space and financial constraints. I've always bought what I fancied without any thought to whether it goes with anything else. No wonder I've gotten through so many clothes and donated so many over the years. I need to shop smarter, not harder. I mentioned I was thinking of starting a capsule wardrobe in my clothing haul post and in the last few weeks I've invested in a few classics that should help my goal. Unfortunately the quest for a capsule wardrobe is not helping my bank account at the moment, although it will do long term when I've got loads to wear because I'll have all the basics.

STARTING

I'm still talking about my capsule wardrobe, sorry! I read this post by Danielle Vanier -16 key pieces to help you build a plus size wardrobe. I urge you to have a look if like me you have 67 dresses but barely any basics and feel like you never have anything to wear! I had a bunch of these pieces in my possession already, and I've bought a few more essentials in the last month. There are a couple of items that just aren't me - like a trench coat, and I'm not a fan of knitwear even in winter - but my personal peccadilloes aside, there's a load of good advice in that post. It's funny how quickly my opinion changed as well - I saw culottes were on the list and thought 'Nah, not for me!' Then last week I was in London on a boiling hot day and saw LOADS of women wearing culottes and I basically fell in love with the idea of getting my ankles out. Go me. Victorian ladies would be scandalised. 😝😝😝

I bought some black culottes and a plain white shirt dress tonight. All I need to finish off my capsule wardrobe are some skinny ankle grazer trousers, a plain black jumpsuit and (if I find some soft ones that don't irritate my skin) a good pair of skinny jeans. After that I'm putting myself on a spending ban!

FINISHING

Spending money! Earning some would be better. 😜

ENJOYING

The lovely weather we've been having. It's a different kind of depression when the sun is shining than when it's cold and rainy.

LISTENING
(This section used to be TEXTING but music is far more interesting than texting).

I love this cover of The Cranberries' Zombie by Bad Wolves.



LOVING

The Royal wedding! I was out most of the day so I didn't watch it, but I enjoyed the highlights I saw on the news, specially Harry biting his lip when he told Meghan she looked amazing. So cute! See it here.

HATING

Umm, I'm a lover not a hater. No hate from me today.
 
You can read previous posts here.
One Two Three
Four Five Six
Seven Eight Nine

Thanks for reading. Leah xoxo

At This Moment #9 | Lifestyle

Hello loves! I'm back with my monthly-ish heads up of what I've been up to.

WATCHING

I've seen a couple of films at the cinema recently. A few weeks ago I saw The Commuter, with Liam Neeson. I dare say he's getting a little old for these action roles now but it was an enjoyable enough watch. Less than a week ago I saw Den of Thieves, the new Gerard Butler film. It was really good - lots of action and foul language - right up my alley! Pablo Schreiber played one of the lead roles. You may know him from his comedy role Pornstache in Orange is the New Black but he's so beefed up in 'Thieves to be virtually unrecognisable. Hubba hubba!

I've just started watching Altered Carbon on Netflix. I've loved Joel Kinnaman (the lead role) since I saw him in another Netflix drama, the American version of The Killing. That's well worth a watch if you've never seen it. Here's a teaser trailer for Altered Carbon. I've only watched one episode so far so I don't really know what's going on, but I'll get stuck into some more episodes soon. My current mental health battles bring short attention span so I only watch 1-2 hours of Netflix a week, compared to probably 3+ hours a day before the split with James.



READING

I'm not reading anything at the moment, for shame, although I did pick up Patricia Cornwell's Red Mist in a charity shop last week. It was only £1 so I couldn't resist, although I don't have an attention span for reading (or writing, or anything else) at the moment either. A few people have lent me books which have gone unread. It's a little annoying as I'm bored a lot but can't get into things.

MAKING

I'm not making anything currently, although I'm enjoying the app Sandbox, which is a colour by numbers app. I usually pick small and easy things that I can deal with (attention span again) but sometimes I get my teeth stuck into a big project on there.

STARTING

I've just started a new anti-depressant after a month without any. My old ones were making me very ill (nausea, etc) and although I'd come up with some coping strategies, I was still really suffering. I'm taking Sertraline (Zoloft) and have been warned the first couple of weeks will be rough. I'm feeling quite low, but then I was before I started them. I hope to feel better soon - I'm a week in today.

FINISHING

Umm, I wouldn't say I'm finished with social media, but I'm certainly on it a lot less than before, with regards to Instagram particularly. I don't love my face as much as I used to so I'm not such a selfie queen, hahaha! I'm on Snapchat more than anything these days - I love those flattering filters!

ENJOYING

I've just started seeing a new man, so I'm enjoying that a lot, lolololol. It's casual but enjoyable.

LISTENING
(This section used to be TEXTING but music is far more interesting than texting).

I LOVE this song by The Fallen State. The lyrics are so sad though, and I'm glad they brought out a second video because the first one was of a little girl who died of cancer. 



These lyrics get me in the feels every time:

Why are you always on my mind?
In my solar system you’re the sun
My supernova
And those heavy hearts
Refuse to run
In my solar system you’re the sun

LOVING

Sleeping! Last month my love was napping and this time it's sleeping. Life is still really tough for me and I'm doing my best to cope but sleep is the best escapism. I love my bed. Well it's my aunt's bed, but let's not be pedantic! 😆

HATING

I don't really hate anything. My new antidepressants bring really low appetite so that sucks a bit, and I'm still adjusting to life without my husband (soon to be ex husband). It's been 5 months - it feels like 5 years - and I never thought splitting with a partner would break me, but it has. I've a long way to go to rebuild myself and I'm still under an awful lot of stress, but there are people far worse off than me. I'm not liking life, but I'm not hating it either. It just is, and it'll get better.

You can read previous posts here.
One Two Three
Four Five Six
Seven Eight 

Tell me what's new with you.

Some of my comments have disappeared from my fat girl in horizontal stripes post. Dandi and Dianne - thank you for your comments. I can see them in my email but they haven't posted on my blog. I'm so sorry! I was very touched by both of them.

Thanks for reading. Leah xoxo

At This Moment #8 | Lifestyle

WATCHING

I'm currently watching Season 2 of Frontier, which features my bae Jason Momoa. Here's the trailer. Season 2 is a bit slow so far and doesn't have much J-Mo in it but hopefully it'll pick up soon.



READING

I'm not really reading any more as bipolar makes it REALLY hard for me to focus. I'm either too sluggish or too hyper. I'm skim-reading You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay at the moment but it's a bit hippie-dippy for my current frame of mind. One day I hope to be able to immerse myself in books again, especially as at some point I'd like to get back into education.

MAKING

Right now I'm making my hair fall out from stress and poor diet. My bipolar tablets interact with my anxiety meds and make me throw up nearly every time I clean my teeth, which sucks. They also make me feel really nauseous at all other times, affecting my appetite. On top of that I'm on such a low income I can't feed myself properly, so I'm probably malnourished, hence the hair loss.

STARTING

To take a daily walk, no matter how exhausted I am.

FINISHING

I've finished taking my anxiety meds. As mentioned above, I'm nauseous on them all the time. I'd rather be anxious and not feel ill than take them and want to vomit all day.

ENJOYING

Naps! I love to nap. The nap is the world's greatest invention.

LISTENING
(This section used to be TEXTING but music is far more interesting than texting).

I'm really digging this Naughty Boy ft. Beyonce song at the moment. Although the lyrics are intended romantically, these really get me in the feels right now:

Ain't runnin' from myself no more
I'm ready to face it all
If I lose myself, I lose it all

A reminder I have to face this current time head on and I have to prioritise me.



LOVING

Hmmm.......am I loving anything right now? Think positively, woman! I'm loving the support my family and my good friends are giving me through this time.

HATING

Hate is a strong emotion. I don't think I hate anything. I wouldn't choose to go through what I'm going through, but I hope it's going to make me as tough as a uterus. I would say tough as balls but a uterus is way tougher!

I think the worst thing about my situation at present is the exhaustion. Fibromyalgia is painful and pain is tiring. ME is tiring. Bipolar is tiring and the meds they put you on are tiring. I'm a sloth, ha! I live for my daily nap. I hope things get better when spring arrives and my Seasonal Affective Disorder fades a bit.

You can read previous posts here.
One Two Three
Four Five Six Seven

Let me know what you're watching in the comments - especially if there's something good I should be checking out on Netflix!

Thanks for reading. Leah xoxo

At This Moment #7 - What I'm reading, watching and doing

Hello lovebugs! I missed this post last month but I'm back again with the latest installment of what I'm up to!

WATCHING

I'm loving Star Trek Discovery on Netflix. I'm a proud Trekkie! I'm also loving S2 of Designated Survivor.

READING

I'm reading South of the Border, West of the Sun by Haruki Murakami. It was a recommendation from a guy I went on a date with. The guy didn't last but the book has. 😄 I can't read much right now as I'm too hyper and I can't concentrate, but I look forward to being a bookworm again.

MAKING

Plans for my future! The future is wide open but I've got to shape it. I want my own place and I want to study psychology to the highest level. I want to be a counsellor so I can help others through  relationship breakdowns with damaging individuals. I'd do anything I could to help others going through what I'm going through right now.

STARTING

I need to start saving for a deposit on my own place as I need my independence. I'm also starting to think moving back to Kent was a good thing and this is where I'll stay. I'm also starting to date again. It feels good.

FINISHING

My grieving for that man is done. It was quite a few weeks ago. That was helped by the cruelty of his discard - every cloud has a silver lining! 😁😁😁😁😁😁

ENJOYING

Freedom! Less anxiety about using public transport - since I've been single I've been HAVING to use it and I'm gadding about here and there on trains all the time with no anxiety at all now. 

LISTENING
(This section used to be TEXTING but music is far more interesting than texting!)

I LOVE this song. When I found out who it was by I was ashamed of myself, but I can't help but adore this song so much, especially the final 90 seconds or so. I sing along loud and often!



LOVING

I'm really into Sia at the moment too. She's bipolar and I identify so much with her lyrics. Music in general is helping me so much.

HATING

Bipolar! Having bipolar and being a bi-polar-bear 🐻 are so hard. It affects everything from how many typos I make when I write (a lot, my thoughts race so much I can't spell or do grammar, and I was educated at a grammar school, FFS!) to the way I walk (seriously, bipolar mania makes you hypersexual and I walk like a panther on the prowl!) Everything is different. Even my handwriting is different when I'm manic. But it's the ups and downs, the feeling on top of the world then doubting everything which is the most painful. Well, that and all the people rushing out of my life now I have bipolar. The stigma IS HUGE. People have no idea what bipolar actually IS.

It's a mood disorder which means you go through Mount Everest level highs and Mariana Trench lows. It's not 'madness' per se, you just feel everything so deeply. But people are SO scared of it (and me) and I've been losing support left and right. It feels shit. Bipolar is shit. It affects everything - how much I eat and sleep and how energetic I am. So I need support.......and I'm so thankful to the people I still have in my corner.

What's new with you?

You can read previous posts here.
One Two Three
Four Five Six

Thanks for reading. Leah xoxo

At This Moment #6 - what I'm reading, watching & doing

Hello lovelies, it's time to see what I've been loving for the last month or so. 

WATCHING

Not a lot! I've run out of things. Game of Thrones has finished, Power has finished - I'm at a loose end. I'm still watching the second series of Shooter, with Ryan Phillippe, but I need more things to watch. Here's the series 1 trailer in case you're interested.



I've also recently watched The Story of Diana, on Netflix, about (of course) the late Princess of Wales. It followed her from childhood up until her tragic death. I need some recommendations for shows on Netflix please. I especially love subtitled shows (they force me to concentrate), Scandi dramas, crime dramas etc.

READING

In the last couple of weeks I've read two Khaled Hosseini books - The Kite Runner and A Thousand Splendid Suns. I loved them both, they're phenomenal books and I'm a fan for life. I've also started reading Jes Baker's Things No One Tells Fat Girls, which is also great. I read a chapter before bed every few nights so I go to sleep with good thoughts in my head. Right now I'm reading a Dennis Lehane book - The Given Day, which is set around WWII and follows the lives of two families - one white and one black. It's a long book (an opus like the bloody Bible!) but it's captivating. Beware if you read it - it has a lot of racial epithets in it.

MAKING

Umm, as usual I'm making money disappear from my bank account. Last weekend's Curve Fashion Festival was a wonderful event (blog post to come!) but it was an expensive outing. I've also been buying things to help me go on walks in crappy English A/W weather - a waxed jacket to go with the walking boots I mentioned in my last At This Moment post. These bad boys are half price at £29.99 here. They're really padded around the ankle which is great for hypermobile people like me with super-bendy ankles.

This wax rain coat from ASOS is out of stock at the moment. I hope it comes back - it's already sold out twice so they're onto a winner.

STARTING

I'm starting to look forward to Autumn, even though S.A.D. makes my life a misery for 5 months of the year. This year I'm determined to go walking in all weathers, hence the wax jacket and the walking boots. I'm going to try to exercise my way out of the fog the dark months bring. I'm really looking forward to leafy walks in the park, warm A/W colours like mustard and burgundy and green, hot chocolate, Halloween and Bonfire Night! And dare I say it, I'm looking forward not to being sweaty all the time. 😆😆😆😆

FINISHING

Well, it's been another busy month. We've had three family visits in the last 5 weeks and James and I are a little bit frayed around the edges. We've had a really busy summer - we've been to Manchester, Weymouth and Bath, and I've been to Liverpool. We have some friends coming to stay in about 10 days (which we're looking forward to immensely) but after that I think we'll shut down the 'hotel' and have some time just for ourselves. God knows we need to save some money for Christmas anyway, so laying off social events for a while sounds like a plan.

ENJOYING

Being me! Going to the Curve Fashion Festival in Liverpool last weekend and being surrounded by so many vibrant, beautiful fat women has made me even more focused on living my best possible life, and that means giving no fucks! I just want to be a fat mermaid/unicorn and smother myself in glitter, so I shall. People are going to stare anyway as I'm fat, so let's give them a show!

LISTENING
(This section used to be TEXTING but music is far more interesting than texting!)

When I was in the car with Mookie and her husband Mike on the way up to Liverpool they introduced me to a band called The Cardiacs, and I fell in love with this song. It doesn't get going till halfway through, but wait till that guitar solo kicks in! I love it.



LOVING

Wearing glitter as makeup. Why use highlighter when you can highlight with glitter?!

Gratuitous glitter shot. I've had it in all day (I did it myself) but this was the first time I've found good light to show it off. #makeupover40 #glitter #alternativecurves #altgirl

A post shared by Leah - Love Leah (@loveleahblog) on Sep 9, 2017 at 7:04am PDT

HATING

All these weather events all over the world. It's so scary! It feels like the world is going to hell in a hand cart. There have been lots of wild fires on the US west coast, hurricanes on the east coast, landslides in Sierra Leone and other places, an earthquake in Mexico. People who deny global warming are bananas. It's so awful how many people are being displaced.

What's new with you?!

Thanks for reading. Leah xoxo

At this moment #5 - Lifestyle

Hello lovelies, it's time to see what I've been up to for the last month or so. 

Hello loves, it's time to see what I've been up to for the last month.WATCHING

I'm watching series 4 of Power right now. It stars, and is produced by 50 Cent and has a predominantly black cast. James says it's kinda like Sons of Anarchy, but in the nightclub/drugs world rather than the biker world. It's really good, great story lines and suspense. Warning - it is violent. The lead role is played by Omari Hardwick and he's serious eye candy. Here's the series 1 trailer.



I also just started watching Stranger, on Netflix. It's a subtitled Korean drama - which seems to be called Secret Forest in Korea - and it's brilliant. If you're familiar with Sense8 it has the brilliant Doona Bae in it, who played Sun Bak. It's about corruption in the police and prosecutorial system. The lead role is a prosecutor who has no empathy after undergoing a lobotomy as a child. He's a cold fish but a deep thinker. I'm up to episode 4 and I have NO CLUE what's going on. Everyone's a suspect, and I suppose that's what makes it fun.

I LOVE foreign drama and discovering great new actors. Here's the trailer.



READING

I've just read about 5 Arnaldur Indridasson books, thanks to Snoskred, who kindly supplied me with a bunch. They're crime books but they concentrate more on the dynamics between people rather than gory details of murders, which is nice. We all know terrible things go on, but I don't always want to read that kind of thing before bed or when I'm already weighed down by all the real evil in the world. I've just started reading Noble Beginnings by LT Ryan. It's about a pair of American soldiers who get dragged into a conspiracy that goes right to the top of the US government. There are some predictable parts but the characters are likeable so it's not too bad.

MAKING

Making plans! James and I are going on holiday again in October, and this time we're taking my dad with us. Can you believe I've never had a holiday with my dad in my life?! He and my mum split up when I was 7 but they'd been unhappy since I was a toddler. We were too poor for holidays back then, so it'll be nice to spend some time with the ol' goat. We're going to Weymouth (again) and hopefully the weather will be OK for that time of year.

STARTING

To exercise! Rawwwwwr. I bought my first pair of walking boots today. As I said in this post I'm trying to get fitter and more mobile. I'm trying to listen closely to my body and push myself further than I think I can go, but rest up when I know I'm exhausted. It's going to take some finessing for me to get to a point where I feel well and not in constant pain, but I'm a tenacious bugger so I'll get there.

FINISHING

Well, less than 2 weeks ago we got back from our family holiday with James's mum, dad, brother, sister in law and little niece, who's 4. It was lovely to spend so much time with them, especially with my niece. My two nieces are the light of my life, and I'm seeing my older niece tomorrow. She's coming to stay for 5 days along with my dad, my aunt and my cousin.

ENJOYING

A kind of social media hiatus. I had quite a pronounced social media hiatus while on holiday and I'm trying to limit my time on social media ongoing. As much as I love catching up on everyone's news, there aren't enough hours in the day to be as nosy as I want to be.

TEXTING

My brother. He works funny shift patterns so I normally text him then he rings me when he's free. The last thing I want to do is wake him up if he's barely had any sleep.

LOVING

Being with my little niece on holiday. When we were saying goodbye on the last evening of our holiday she gave me about 15 hugs one after another and I said "I'm using up all your hugs!" She replied "It's OK, I'm FULL of hugs!" She's such a loving child.

HATING

1. Tiny rooms in caravans. The caravan we stayed in with James's mum and dad on holiday was lovely, but the second toilet was pointless. There was a main shower room with a loo and a sink, and a separate loo and sink. It was about 2/3 the size of an airline toilet. I wish I was joking, but I'm not. On the first day when we got there someone had put the heating on, and as it's such a small 'room' I had to open the window and lean out of it whilst peeing to prevent burning my arse on the radiator! 😆😆😆
2. Pain. I was in such a lot of pain on holiday and it really spoiled my fun. Too much exercise is painful, and so is too little. It's all about hitting that sweet spot. I'll let you know if I ever find it, lolol.

What have you been up to recently?

Thanks for reading. Leah xoxo