On being a mental case and a blogger

Hello readers dearest.

Apologies if the title of this blog offends anyone with mental illness. I have depression and anxiety disorder and use black humour to cope.

Yesterday I was soaring with the eagles and today I'm down in the sewer with the rats.

I wanted to talk about mental health and being a blogger, and how that works for me. I often feel like I'm being left behind or am stagnant. I don't drive, I'm disabled, and I have anxiety disorder and depression. I'm in the wrong place for blogger meet ups, for a start. I'm not oop North, and there seems to be a higher amount of fat bloggers up there (no offence - the North and your fine people - but most of the fat ladies I know and love and all the good fat shops are 300 miles away from me.)  Thus I'm PHYSICALLY removed from most of the blogging world. I'm physically removed from everything - any further South and I'm in France. I can't just get on a train to go meet people like normal people do. It took me 2 weeks to get over going to London to meet Gok Wan because of Fibromyalgia and CFS/ME.

Secondly because I'm so skeeeeered of rejection I don't talk to people on Twitter that I might want to. I spoke on Twitter briefly over the weekend about being blanked by some better known plus size bloggers, and it's happened so many times now I don't feel able to get stuck in with conversations I want to. I see newer bloggers coming along getting on with everyone with such ease and it just goes to remind me how fucking socially awkward or unlikeable I am, and how little confidence I have. I have this 'I'm not worthy!!' about me which probably comes across as me being a stuck up bitch but it's the furthest thing from that you could possibly imagine. I do psbloggerschat on a Sunday about once a month because being ignored makes me feel like a piece of shit on someone's shoe. I have to be feeling really mentally strong before I can put myself in that place of being left out while everyone else is chumming it up in grand style. So as well as being physically removed from most of the plus size clan, there are mental obstacles too.

WHY IS EVERYTHING ALWAYS SO HARD? Why do I even go on Twitter when it only seeks to remind me that nothing about me or my life is normal? 

Why do I put myself through this?! I honestly don't know. Maybe I'm stupid to try to 'compete', when at every level I'm coming up at a loss.

Emo bitch out.

Thanks for listening to my depressive wailings.

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