Chronic illness and consistency

Hello pickles,

One of the most annoying things about chronic illness for me is the lack of consistency it brings to my life. I feel better in myself when I eat well and take gentle exercise, but there are vast periods of time when that just isn't possible.

Generic past 'healthy' meal photo for the purposes of having a photo in this blog entry.

It's ironic that when I need nutrients most of all, I'm least likely to be able to take care of myself. I've just come out of a couple of months where I haven't juiced anything at all, and have basically lived off of pre-packaged salads and other quick fixes. About a week ago, despite feeling like hell I decided I was going to start cooking again and make a concerted effort to cram in as much fruit and veg as possible, as well as drinking plenty of water.

I'm not looking for 'good fatty' approval, nor am I here to moralise about food choices. When I eat lots of fruit and veg I have more energy, I sleep better, my IBS is less problematic and I feel slightly better in myself.

As much as I'm tempted to all gung ho and promise myself this is the new me, I know at some point through choice or necessity I'm going to overdo it physically again (or have a mental health slump) and then I'll be thrown into months of not being able to take care of myself properly again. Last time my family stayed with us I took loads of exercise, and I felt bloody fantastic for a couple of days afterwards. And then the fatigue set in - not sleeping properly even though I'm exhausted, getting up and feeling the need to sit down as soon as I've cleaned my teeth as it has wiped me out. Going hungry as I don't have the energy to eat, and when I do having some pre-packaged shit or a sandwich. Not cooking anything beyond the occasional bacon sandwich for weeks on end, and feeling shit about it.

So what to do? What is there to do?! I can fight against it, making myself even more ill through stress, or I can try to accept there are times when it's too hard to take good care of myself. The thing is that when I feel so low and devoid of energy, it's beyond me to think about rustling up a quick omelette or beans on toast. EVERYTHING feels like too much effort. I simply can't brain looking after myself. The fatigue is all-encompassing, mentally and physically, and it's hard to explain to those who are well. I can best describe it as feeling as if you are under siege.

By far the most annoying thing for me about Fibromyalgia and CFS/ME is never feeling I can to do enough to make a difference. I can only take care of myself when things are going well, and that's not very often.

Gentle hugs to my fellow spoonies battling to do what's right for you but not having the spoons to do it.

Thanks for reading.
Leah xoxo

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