Today's post is about fears. I'm going to throw some of my longest standing fears out there, but rest assured I don't think about these things too often. I don't want this to be a sad post.
- Anything happening to James. I dread losing this lovely man who makes me laugh every single day and accepts me faults and all, and I can't bear to think of me dying first and leaving him alone either.
- Anything happening to my family. I know my parents are most likely to die before me, but that doesn't mean I'm at peace with it. I want them to die at the age of 110, peacefully in their sleep. There comes the time for everyone when they have no older relatives to rely on for help or advice, and frankly that scares the piss out of me! I don't want to see my brother die either.
- Anything happening to my friends, be they friends I've not yet met, friends I haven't seen in ages, even people I may no longer get on with, or people I see all the time. Horrible things do happen to good people and I can't bear to think of anyone I care about going through a horrible time.
- Being buried alive. Yes, I'm weird! When I was a kid I saw a Hitchcock or Hammer thriller where a man was buried alive. The person who was supposed to rescue him from the coffin (I think it was a prison escape) turned out to be the body underneath him in the coffin. Just thinking about it makes my breath catch!
- Creepy crawlies which move fast. I don't mind slow-moving critters, but anything which flies at my face or scurries quickly makes me jump, and when I jump I get the heart palpitations from hell. So that means huge moths, bees, wasps and spiders scare me. I don't mind the little spiders you sometimes get in the house who stay in one corner minding their own business. I generally name them and talk to them, but those monsters who break the land speed record dashing across the living room scare the crap out of me.
- The dark - I'm not the greatest fan of being outside on my own after dark, being indoors alone when it's dark and coming home to an empty house when it's dark. I think one of the reasons I like living in a flat is because I feel more secure than I would in a house, especially so on the upper levels as you're less likely to get burgled or intruded upon. I know some of my fear of being indoors alone comes as a result of the childhood experiences I had with my mum's previous partner, the alcoholic git I posted about previously. Because I came home late at night to find him smashing the house up in a drunken rage (twice) I carry that fear of something scary happening again. I think the mind plays tricks on us in the dark.
- I fear what'll happen to me when the Government stop my ESA around February next year. My illnesses get progressively worse with each passing year, yet like thousands of other people too ill to work, I'm being thrown to the wolves by a Government who are crushing the sick and disabled to enable them to pander to the filthy rich. Will I go back to work in order to bring in money and face guaranteed physical and mental ruin? Or will there be even more pressure on my poor husband to bring home the bacon? It's a really scary time and I need to try to find a way to make money without adding to the strain my body is already under. Ideas on a postcard please!
- I also fear how my health is going to go in the next 10 years or so. I see the way things have gone since 2007 when I became ill, despite eating so much more healthily, reducing stress and doing gentle exercise when I'm able. I notice things I did a year ago becoming more and more problematic for me now, and it scares me rigid. I don't want to end up in a wheelchair. I don't want to dependant on anyone else for my care.
As I'm learning from the CBT I'm having, our fears are often WAY bigger than any possible reality. I'm learning how to examine my thoughts and recognise when I'm stuck in a vicious circle of worry. Something my counsellor said today resonated with me about bad thoughts - what is the PROBABILITY of them actually happening? 50%? 10%? 1%? So small it'll be a cold day in hell before it happens? ;) I think rationalising fears is useful, and it'll be something I'll be trying to master so I can live a fuller and happier life. Something else I've realised after just 2 sessions of CBT is sometimes in life, in times of depression, anxiety or stress we tend to focus on the things that go wrong. I want to focus more on the things that go well. I'm thankful for the NHS so I can have this treatment free of charge. I think it's going to be really useful alongside the meds I'm on, which are making a great difference.
If you've got time, would you care to tell me one thing you're scared of and one thing you're thankful for?
Thanks for reading!
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