It's not you, it's me.
Have you ever felt like you were too much? I have, from a very young age, and sometimes that feeling comes back to haunt me.
I grew up fat, dirt poor, brainy and loud - not a great combination for a child. I often got reminded I was too much, and sometimes I feel like that's the case today. Sometimes you just can't cast off those childhood demons. I often feel like a square peg in a round hole.
I'm know I'm not a popular blogger, and sometimes I wonder about it. Is it because I swear for emphasis? Is it because I'm at the upper end of the fat blogger scale? Is it because I'm frank about my mental and physical health? Because ill health is not sexy or marketable, is it? I feel like if I were to expunge every hint and mention of mental and physical health from this blog I'd be more popular, but I'd hate myself. Is it because my blog is shit?!?! Is it because I don't find it natural or comfortable to constantly self-publicise all over the net? (I'm trying, God knows I am but it feels so wrong!) It doesn't come naturally to me to be all jazz hands and fanfare about myself. I don't shit tinsel or anything, I'm a woman trying to make her way in the world and figure it out, just the same as anyone else. Maybe that's it? I don't pretend to be happy all the time. I'm not all glitter, puppies and rainbows. Sometimes I'm so happy I could cry tears of joy and other times I feel as if I'm at the bottom of the Mariana trench and I will share it all. I'm real, and sometimes real is ugly.
I suppose it's natural to have doubts, to feel like you don't belong. I always try to be honest with you and honestly, this is how I feel now. Often writing about things helps me process them and I hope this is the case here, too.
Do you ever feel wrong or too much?
Is it natural, healthy even, to have self doubts?
Thanks for reading and I promise something far more cheerful will be up later.
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