Surviving a fat Christmas


Christmastime can be difficult in so many ways, but one of the most trying things can be interacting with people you might only see once a year - people who might think because you share blood or a tenuous  connection that they have the right to comment on your body, and invariably the food you put into it in their presence.

So much of Christmas is centred around sharing food in the presence of other people and this can be a minefield, although it should be joyful. In the past I have dreaded (and starved my way through) social occasions where there's food because of the judgement I know will be coming my way if I should so much as dip a chunk of carrot into some hummus at the buffet. Not any more. It's always the way that you might have a plate full of salad but a body judger will fixate on the pork pie you've got in there. It just speaks of their superiority complex and little as a reflection of you, so I'm going to create some comebacks as possible retorts to shaming fools. Feel free to leave your own in the comments.

Really rude relatives/family friends

"Wow, you've got fat/piled on the weight/etc!"

  • And you're just as charming as ever!
  • Thanks for noticing. It's hard work maintaining this physique!
  • What gives you the right to assume you can comment on my body? (For particularly annoying pillocks, put emphasis on the YOU.)
  • Wow, how rude are you?
  • I didn't realise you were with the diet police.
  • What has it got to do with you?
  • How dare you!
  • Are you drunk? I assume you'd have to be to think you had the right to comment on MY body.
  • Fuck off. 
  • Call them out on it - say to their spouse or another family member "Did you hear this? Uncle Alan just told me I'd put on weight! How rude!"
The food moderator

"Are you going to eat that/are you really having seconds?"

  • Yes, thanks! *cram food in your face sideways, slurping appreciatively*
  • Lick it thoroughly then say "Why, do you want it?"
  • I was going to, but now you've been so rude, perhaps not. 
  • Why, is it poisoned?!
  • What has it got to do with you?
  • Fuck off. 
  • Well since we drove 2 hours to be here and missed lunch, yes I bloody well am!
  • *side-eye their 3rd helping* Are you serious?!
The health judger

"Wow, that gateau/cheese/whatever is really fattening/calorific etc"
  • No shit, Sherlock!
  • Noooo! I thought it had the calorific make up of celery!
  • Where did you obtain your doctorate, oh wise one?
  • I know! *crams into face*
  • I find having a treat now and then is better than being an uptight arsehole (this is better with a toss of the hair and flouncing off in a cloud of fabulousness.)
  • How does that affect you, exactly?
  • Fuck off
The thing you have to bear in mind is this: people who feel they can comment on your body or what you put into it in the presence of other family members and friends are self-righteous tools who assume you will be too ashamed to reply with the same rudeness they've shown you. In family situations we often feel we should respect people no matter what (especially if they're older than us) but I say bollocks to that! Respect is earned, not given, and if someone shows me no respect and actively tries to humiliate me in front of other people, the gloves are off. Don't be afraid to show people up for the rude, ill mannered fools they are. They are bolstered up with self righteousness and assured you'll never dare to answer them back. You deserve better than that. Don't take any crap. Put them back in their place and carry on having fun. It's what Christmas is all about! Don't let anybody's judgement spoil this time of year for you.

I have my own way of dealing with such people, but it might not be for everyone. I have an uncle who sometimes greets me with 'Hello fatty!' when he sees me so I reply with 'Hello short arse!' Our family is weird though, because we insult people out of fondness. Of course I didn't get this when I was a kid though, and had a really hard time at Christmas especially.

I almost hate to say it but the people who've shamed me about food or my weight at Christmas have almost always been men (and older men at that.) Because of male privilege a lot of men feel they have the right to comment on women's bodies. Our bodies are our own yet due to the patriarchy people think they're public property, to be commented on at will. A big bucketful of nope. I find it only takes a time or two of giving someone an attitude adjustment about their rudeness before they back off. If not, you are within your rights to remove yourself from the situation telling them that until they keep their opinions to themselves they will be missing out on your company. I have to say I haven't had any rudeness at Christmastime for quite some time, as most people know better than to put their nose into my business. Should it happen though, I'll be happy to let them know what I think about it. ;)

What are your tips for dealing with rude people at Christmas?

Thanks for reading.
Leah xoxo

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