#BEDM Day 20 - Newsflash

Hi all!

Today is day 21 of 31 days of 'Blog Every Day in May.' Today's remit is: Talk about something that is in the news today.

Well, my cousin told me something yesterday from the news, and it's in the forefront of my mind now. Now, a disclaimer. We can't believe everything we see in the news. Half the time the 'news' is there to distract us with fripperies while mass genocide goes virtually unnoticed, but I'm not going to talk about anything as important as war - I don't know enough about it. (We seem to have reached a Catch-22 already.)

Celebrity I do know a lot about, shallow bitch that I am - although having said that, I made a conscious decision to stop reading trashy mags and newspaper articles about who was shagging who because it's so transient. However, when someone has been in the public eye for so long, we tend to feel we know them, and that leads me onto...

I first became aware of Johnny Depp when he was in 21 Jump Street (the old TV show, not the hilarious film of recent times.) Or was it in Nightmare on Elm St where I saw him first? Either way, I fancied his part-Native-heritage butt off. He had his wild model-shagging days and then settled down to a life of domestic bliss in France with the gap-toothed sylph Vanessa Paradis. Although he was taken out of our daydreams and into the arms of the person responsible for 'Joe Le Taxi' (Youtube it if you're not familiar) it was somehow OK because Vanessa was relatively normal by Hollywood standards. She wasn't made of hair extensions, acrylic nails and silicone. She probably reeked of red wine and garlic and may have swallowed a few snails and frogs legs in her lifetime. You can't be jealous of someone who's chewed on a snail, surely?! Anyway, I digress. 

Then the news came that Johnny and Vanessa were splitting up, and there were rumours it was because he'd fallen cock over vagina for smokin' hot Amber Heard, Johnny's co star in The Rum Diaries. If you haven't seen it, please watch the mano-a-mano bouncing up and down in the car scene below. I think I laughed up a kidney. Anyway, back to the tale of the middle aged man making a total arse of himself...so he's *allegedly* left the mother of his two children for a woman for 20 years his junior. Oh, it's all amicable, of course - methinks because Vanessa Paradis is too classy to drag their business through the gossip columns. Why, Johnny, why? Why think with your cock? (Actually, why do any of you male earthlings think with your purple heads instead of the one with eyebrows?! Rhetorical question, obvs, you're still thinking about Amber Heard.)

All things age Johnny, even you. In 2, 5, 10 or 20 years Amber Heard might have effed off for someone who's in better restorative order and then you'll have whiskey-soaked nightmares of the gap-toothed baby-mama you left for a taste of younger poon. Is it worth it, when in a few years your kids may call another man 'daddy'? Are you planning on recycling your life and having a couple of kids with your new squeeze and her younger womb? Did you do it just because you can? Have you for all these years hoodwinked us? Was the staggering drunk Cap'n Jack Disney-ola persona just a front for what is essentially an alcoholic tramp with entitlement issues? And why is the rum always gone?

Or have I got it all wrong? Is it wrong to suppose blame on the part of the one who shacks up first post-break up? Is it biased of me to think that because men have left behind their 'old' families for aeons to life afresh with younger partners Mr Depp is doing the same? Or is there no smoke without fire?

What did you think when you heard those 'Johnny loves Amber' rumours might actually be true? Or do you not give a care for who he dips his wick in?

This, my friends, is why I stopped reading the gossip columns. My time could be so much better spent. 

I will now go and watch grass grow for an hour to free myself from the headache I got trying to work out what drives Johnny Depp's dick radar.

Thanks for reading, it's been a ride!

Now for the love of all that's good and holy, watch this scene. 

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