How does being chronically ill make you feel?
I came across this question (but worded differently) accidentally during CBT and the answer is WEAK. It took me a long time to be able to describe it in one word.
Before I felt strong, invincible even, and now I feel weak. My body is certainly weaker than it was. It's hard for me to feel empowered or powerful when I struggle to open a bottle of water. ;) I think one of the reasons I get panic attacks sometimes when I'm out is because I don't feel able to defend myself any more. Prior to being ill I was always out on my own wearing my 'shit-kicking' New Rock boots, which are a weapon in themselves. I knew if some random guy decided to prey on lil' ol' me out on my own at stupid o'clock then I'd kick him in his baby makers and run like hell. Now? Well, it's likely I'd lift a leg off the floor and fall on my arse because my balance is so crap. Hahaha.
I guess the crux of it is I never wanted to be the type of woman most men want. I didn't want to be weak, vulnerable, in need of help. I wanted to blaze my own trail, and being physically strong felt good. Perhaps I can try to make up for my lack of physical strength with mental fortitude?!
Thanks for listening to me ramble!
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