Today is a special day for me and my husband, and I want to mark it in some way, hence this post. It's the third anniversary of the day I almost died. I've touched upon what happened when I had my second ectopic pregnancy many times before, so I'm not going there today, as I want this post to be about gain, not loss.
I've not always been the most positive person in the world. In fact 10 years ago I'm sure I was a negative nelly. Since meeting the man who became my hubby his enthusiasm has rubbed off on me, I'm glad to say, but I think what has REALLY made a difference to my life - and a life which now comes with two chronic illnesses - is that sense of perspective given knowing I'm lucky to still be here. The alternative is so final!
You could say this is my second chance at life. My sunny outlook belies the fact I'm in pain every day. My looks have changed - I'm no longer able to be active like I once was and I've put on weight because normal day-to-day activities cause me too much pain. Not moving much is the only way I can cope - a lifetime zombiefied on hardcore painkillers doesn't appeal. Thanks to the combined effect of IBS bloat and the constant basketball-up-my-shirt look that ovarian cysts cause, I look 6 months pregnant a lot of the time (which is why you don't see very many side-on shots of me.)
I *could* choose to focus on the negative crap I've brought up to illustrate a point, but I focus on being present, day to day, surviving and enjoying life however I can. My happiness may be heavily helped by an addiction to clothes and shoes and make up and and and, but it could be worse - it could be crack cocaine. (Not that drug addiction is funny, mind.) Of course there are moments where I wonder if the recent slide in health is a sign of things to come, but on the whole I'm SO thrilled to still be here that I try to put that out of mind and be thankful for what I can do.
The point of this post is you don't need to nearly meet your maker to be really thankful for life. You can do it without the traumas and scars. It took me that much of a reminder because I'm a doofus. ;) I think we put too much pressure on ourselves and sometimes each other. I have to wonder if we dropped the worries we carry around with us - the could be's and should be's - and concentrated on just BE-ing, would we be happier?
I've had some of my choices in life removed - for the foreseeable future I can't work, and my mobility is limited so I'm pretty much dependent on the hubby chauffeur so you could say that's simplified life for me. But I do have choices in other areas, and the biggest one is to be happy and thankful for each new day. My husband helps me stay sane, because he's the biggest ray of sunshine you could imagine. He goes through a lot of crap by virtue of being married to me. He works his balls off to keep us afloat. He doesn't understand me all the time, but he tries. And how he makes me laugh. He's shy in front of other people, so I get to see the hilarious side of him - the dancing around in his pants, the knob-in-the-ear morning wake up call, and all the other stuff he does that cracks me up. I'm very fortunate, and I try not to forget it.
So this is me giving my thanks - to luck, the skill of the surgical team, or a higher power - for the chance to give life another crack with more gratitude.
Thanks for reading.
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