There are many trolls doing the rounds on social networking in Fatsville this week. Mama's gonna have a rant about people who are deliberately sour to others on the internet, thus onwards referred to as trolls, or other rude words. Go get a gin and some earplugs. P.S. This post is heavy on the caps lock. My bad. This is aimed at them, not your, kind readers.
Hello
Being nice is so much better than being hateful but this is something which doesn't apply to certain corners of the internet. There are a number of people (in the loosest sense possible, I would assume) who seem to stalk the internet waiting for a person to be caught being all FAT in front of a camera, then locate and prime their shitty gene, crack their hairy knuckles and swot up on the insult and cliche dictionary before letting loose with some bile.
I get it, I get it. It's 5 weeks between paydays for most people and it's still so far away, we're all skint, and some of us are a bit fatter than we were on, ooh, Christmas Eve. The whole damn world is obsessed with dieting right now and we're all a bit grouchy. On top of that the weather's shit, the news is all doom and gloom, oh and did I mention everyone's skint?
Now you bilious keyboard warriors need something to do to pass the time till February, when the hopes of a Valentines Day bunk up and a few Cadbury's creme eggs will tide you over alongside a few daffodils sprouting and a bit of sunshine. What to do, what to do? Can't kick kittens any more, got told off by the RSPCA. Oh yes, let's hang out on Facebook pages and wait until they put a plus size blogger's photo up without asking or telling them.
Let's imagine a troll's day.
TROLLSDAY, JAN 2014
Wake up, shave troll toes. Could donate toe hair to make wigs for 14 bald people, such is daily regrowth, but no, am here to spread malice on this earth only.
Eat breakfast, a couple of small children.
Log on to the Trollternet. Scratch hairy arse. Sniff. Approve.
Limber up sausagey troll fingers. Whose day to ruin today? So many choices. Oh, so many fat people I could be horrible to. I don't know where to start! Mummy!
I know, let's pick on one who looks a bit confident. We can't have that, can we my precious? (Did I just liken trolls to Gollum? Well he lived in a cave too, so it seems fitting.) Oh, this one is wearing something a fat person shouldn't! They're not in a shapeless billowing black creation. How DARE they. How dare they LIKE themselves? We can't have this. Imagine the disorder if fat people actually start LIKING themselves. Sound the FATTY KLAXON! HIDE ALL THE CAKES!
I know, let's not make any comment on the CLOTHES they're wearing at all. I mean, it's not like these websites put photos up so people can look at and buy clothes, is it?! Don't be stupid! They do it for my entertainment! Right, let's tell this one she's a minger, infer she smells and tell her her very existence is the cause of the OMFG OBESITY EPI.....oh fuck, we trolls never were much good at spelling, grammar and all that other good stuff which help you get jobs.....EPI ...DEMMIK. There, that'll do. They'll still know they're fat, which is my job. I mean, they can't KNOW they're fat can they, or else they'd be hiding down a deep hole, like me, surely?
It's my job to tell people they look shit in clothes, so they take a long hard look in the mirror and cry, just like I do when I look at myself. It doesn't matter if they look great, I can't tell them that can I? I mean, they're all jumped up as it is, daring to stand in front of a camera. Just because they can stand in front of one without cracking the lens, not like me. It's not fair and everyone else has to pay for it! Everyone has to feel as shit about themselves as I do. C'mon, after all, the whole world revolves around me, you know? YOU KNOW?!
It's freedom of speech, innit? People fought wars and died so I could be an arsehole to people I don't know on the internet. I bet if my grandad wasn't a troll and had fought in a war he'd be proud of me. Look how far we've come. I mean years ago we used to fight wars to protect people and now we start wars on the internet.
So yeah fatty, don't go around being all happy with your friends and family who love you and think you're awesome just as you are. You have to be as miserable as me, covered in mud up to my troll monobrow, and all alone. It's not my fault I have a hideous personality and no one loves me. Nothing is my fault. I go around blaming everybody else for everything to make me feel better. Like Homer Simpson says, excuse me for having enormous flaws I don't work on! It's far easier for me to find fault in other people than it is look at myself. I mean, I'm such a knobflap making other people miserable gives me the only pleasure I have in life.
I think I'm done for the day. I might have made a few people cry. *proud face* Oh, I'm so tired after riling up so many people, I think I might snack on a few more small children and rest up for tomorrow's fat-baiting.
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Hi, it's me, Leah. I'm back again, I've exorcised that troll demon. Bleeurgh. Nasty breath. Jeez, get some Listerine, trolls.
Wait, what? I've just been rude about trolls? Hurt your troll feelings? OH NO. Imagine how horrible it must be for people who have that happen to them ALL THE DAMN TIME. Just for daring to exist.
"IT'S JUST THE INTERNET."
"IT'S JUST MY OPINION."
"I'M JUST BEING HONEST."
"I'M EXERCISING FREEDOM OF SPEECH."
"DON'T GET WOUND UP."
Isn't that the kind of thing you say if someone dares answer you back?! Sorry, suck it! This shit goes both ways.
We do NOT have to be nice to you to prove we're 'better' people than you. You're actually better than you, the YOU you're being when you're a grade A cuntosaurus on the internet. When you look back on your greatest moments on your death bed do you think being a catty arsehole is going to be one of them?! Do you think your parents are proud of the person you are when you're going out of your way to spoil someone else's day?! THINK BEFORE YOU TYPE. TAKE OWNERSHIP OF YOURSELF. GROW UP. Don't think just because you're too uptight to wear tight, bangin' clothes fat people shouldn't either. We OWN that shit. And if you're a fat woman on the internet going round telling other fat women what they should and shouldn't wear, you could do a lot worse than read some of the blogs of the women you're bitching about. You might learn something, like how to love yourself, and then others.
Stop thinking you rule the world, you pocket despots.
Thanks for reading. Now pass me the gin.
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